Last Meeting...

with my therapist until I return from residential. I still have time to back out. I'm nervous and anxious.

I want to be normal. I don't want to hurt anymore.

X

Me, I'm a creator...

...thrill is to make it up.

I've done assessments with two different residential eating disorder clinics. Went today and had blood drawn for labs, an EKG, and vitals. I could be admitted as early as the end of the week according to my doctor. But I'm pretty sure I'm going to be waiting until the first of the year at least. I want to spend Christmas with my family.

So I guess I'm really doing this. I'm scared. And anxious. And I feel like I'm not "sick" enough to be going. I told my therapist that, and she said that's what everyone says, and that she, and my nutritionist, wouldn't have recommended it if I didn't need it.

I don't know. I'm nervous. And tired.

I slept with J again. I don't know why. I just wanted to get laid I guess. This time was different though. He kissed me. A lot. I don't like that. It brings up too many feelings, it's too personal. I just feel dead inside.

x

Reality sets in.

"There are some other financial options if, for some reason, your insurance wouldn't come through. Sometimes churches will help out with this sort of thing."

"I know, but I feel guilty for asking for that. I mean, there are the homeless and poor who need that money. There are people out there who can't eat..."

My therapist interrupts my Mother quickly, but gently, "But that's where she is." She points to me. "She can't feed herself. This is life and death. She can't eat." I hear the urgency and compassion in her voice, see it in her eyes. She repeats herself, motioning to me as if placing her hand over my heart from across the room, "She can't eat."

Tears well up. I feel truly helpless for the first time... ever. And there it is. The truthfulness of the situation is exposed. There's nothing for me to hide behind, nothing to cover it up.

It hurts. It stings.

I've fought for years to gain control over my life, my emotions, my head, my body...and the reality is, I can't even feed myself now. I've worked so hard trying to pretend to be grown up. "Yeah, I've got it all together. I'm fine. Leave me alone." All the while, I've been spiraling down, deeper into despair, doubt, hopelessness, fear, anger, sadness...reverting back years and years. I'm an infant. The most simple task has become too difficult.

I bow my head and stare at my feet. Shame overtakes me. How could this happen? How did I get here? Why am I hurting this badly...to cause me to literally become a scared child?

My dietitian and therapist continue the conversation with my Mother. I see in her eyes some enlightenment after that statement. She's beginning to understand. She reaches over and puts her hand on mine.

________________________________________________________

They recommended with urgency a residential stay for me. They said that my chances for recovery are extremely low if I don't get the proper level of care for the severity of my ED. They estimated 5-7 or more years for complete recovery. It's such a long climb up a mountain that seems impossible to scale.

And I'm ambivalent.

After the assessment appointment with my Mom, the reality of my situation has become clear, and there's a stirring in me....for normalcy, for health and happiness. But I'm holding on so tight to my ED. It's been there for me when no one else was. It got me through so many things. I don't know that I would even be here without it. How could I betray something that is so much a part of who I am?

I'm torn. I'm broken and sad.

My Mom has decided to take their advice and look into some of the facilities they suggested.

"Everything is going to be alright. We need to get you well."

Ultimately, I have to make the choice.

x

Icarus.

Tomorrow my therapist and dietitian meet with my mother. I'm kind of nervous. I'm afraid my Mom will react negatively...because she won't want to accept or believe the truth of what's been going on. But I hope she does accept it. I hope it changes her ideas and opinions about my ED for the better. Maybe she might grasp just a tiny bit of understanding that she didn't have before. That's all I want.

J and I talked tonight. He randomly started talking to me, like nothing happened. I guess that's the game we're playing now. I don't want to care anymore. I just want to be over it all... J, my ED, all the bad things that live inside me, the constant conflicting voices of love and hate. I want to curl up in the corner, my hands covering my ears with my eyes closed, until it all goes away. I want to reopen my eyes to an emptiness, a blank canvas. Nothing, but the possibility of everything.

And then, watch me go.

Higher. Higher.

This vomit will turn to gold.

x

Ugh...

So something happened...

I had sex with J last night. He called me randomly, asked me to come over, and we ended up in the backseat of my car...

He told me some bullshit about still having feelings for me and being attracted to me, he just doesn't want a relationship. He said he doesn't want to sleep with random people and it not mean anything *eyeroll*, and that he wants to sleep with me and no one else. He proposed a "friends with benefits" scenario. I don't even know what to think. He's so hot and cold. He basically just wants to use me for sex. How do I deal with that? Part of me is still so addicted to him, and part of me wishes he would just go away forever.

I met with my dietitian today. She wanted to do a final assessment with me before meeting with my family on Monday with my therapist. They're both going to explain to my family the severity and nature of my bulimia, and make their "recommendations". They've already told me that they would like to see me go to a residential facility for a while. I just don't know that I'm ready. Right now I kind of just act like I've got it all together. We'll see what happens on Monday I guess.

I hope you're all well.

x

Just Thinspo

I need it today.

x

11/26/11

Last night I took 150mg Seroquel, and then slept for nearly 24 hours. I woke up not too long ago and I've purged 4 times already. I think I might go lay back down. Purging always makes me feel tired...I think that's the one thing I hate most about it.

I hope you're all doing well, I'll update more when I'm not sedated :)

x

p.s.- I found this. Just for giggles :P

Warmth.

I want wine and a fire.

Ballet Thinspo...because it's lovely.

My family had Thanksgiving this past Saturday, due to my younger sister not being able to make it on the actual holiday. I excused myself from the table twice to purge and get more food. I spent more of the day in the bathroom than with my family and friends. But at least the food was good.

I saw my therapist today, it had been a while. Stuff kept coming up, but anyway....

We talked about a lot of things. She told me how I shouldn't feel ashamed, but should have compassion toward myself because this isn't something I wake up and choose to do. It's a complicated illness. She explained that most people with eating disorders tend to be intelligent and talented, and we don't like it when we can't figure something out ourselves, so we automatically feel shame. She also gave me her recommendation for treatment, talking about the three different branches of treatment depending on severity. She suggested residential, followed by intensive outpatient. But it's so expensive, and I would have to put my entire life on hold for something I'm ambivalent about anyway. Meh, I don't know.

Uncertain.

I don't know if I'm ready to recover. I think therapy and medical attention will help me either way, so I'm going to continue to go to the Eating Disorder Clinic I've been going to, but overall, I don't know if I'm ready. I continue to purge multiple times a day, I've lost another 2.5 pounds, and I'm continually attracted to ED thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Maybe I just need a little more time to really get there.

I've started keeping a very detailed food journal again like I used to. I've started weighing myself everyday again, and I'm starting some of my more rigid habits again. It helps me control my fear of my unknown future, it helps me have control in general. I need that right now. I have good days and bad days, but I'm afraid they would all be bad days if it weren't for the small bit of control I have now with my ED.

Anyway, I'm thinking about doing one of the more popular diets among our ED community. My throat needs a break from all of the purging. I just hope I can control the urge to binge. I haven't picked one yet, any suggestions?

Stay strong lovelies.

x

Retreat Behind Ribs

That's the name of the documentary link I'm posting below. I watched it last night, along with another shorter video series about pro-ana websites. Both were great, well done, by a lovely someone brave enough to put herself out there for the world to see. If you haven't already seen it, please watch. It's a good reminder to each of us that we're not alone.

Love to you all.

x

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GY8YyI20xEc&feature=channel_video_title

Words in Pictures.

x

10/30/2011

Things have been all over the place lately, but I think I'm finally starting to get back on my feet. Things with J have been rough, but I'm finally starting to let go and realize that what I thought he was, isn't reality. I was miserable with him, he didn't love me, and I want to be happy. I'm still hesitant in admitting that, but I have to move on.

Moved this weekend to a different house. I've been sore and sweaty all weekend, it's gross. But hey, at least it has been a good workout. I've still been purging, but I'm trying to restrict more because I hate going to the bathroom every time I eat. I'd rather just try to control myself and not worry about it.

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything. I was really hopeless there for a while. I'm ready to be okay, and be happy. We'll see how it all works out.

Hope you're all well.

x

Friends,

Things are not getting better. I don't know what to do. The bulimia, the cutting, the emotional pain...it's a wave that washes over me every single day, the very moment I wake up. I feel absolutely tortured. I dream about J, and I don't want to. I constantly think about him, and I don't want to. I'm exhausted all around. I feel completely hopeless. I feel like I've dug my own grave, and there's no getting out.

I wish I were strong enough to help myself.

Everything I loved is gone.

x

Randomness.

I was prescribed Seroquel because apparently I'm "mildly bi-polar". I've only taken it twice. I don't like being so tired that I can't function a

nd it's literally painful for me to be awake. That's what those kind of medicines do to me unfortunately. They started me out on the lowest dosage, but I'm only going to take half of one when I decide to take them.

I haven't been sleeping well at all. I don't know what's going on with that.

I'm going to try to become the person I want to be. Appearance, personality, everything. I will be what I want. I will be okay. I'll prove everyone wrong. I'll make them regret what they've thought and said about me. I don't think I'm ready to give up Mia just yet...but I'll continue to go to therapy for the other issues I have. I can certainly learn some other ways to cope with my circumstances.

I don't really have any other updates. Life is pretty boring right now. Hope you're all well.

x

Updated.

So I went to the ED clinic. They weighed me, but wouldn't let me see the numbers. After talking with the doctor for about an hour, he basically reinforced the Bulimia diagnosis. He said it seems pretty severe given the amount of purging I do daily and because I sometimes use laxies as well. He drew blood because he wanted to check my electrolytes and potassium levels. He laid out a couple of treatment options, but I just decided to do regular outpatient, which involves see a dietitian and therapist once a week, and seeing the psychiatrist every couple of weeks. We'll see how this goes. I felt really comfortable there, though. I think they might just be able to help...

x

Btw- this made me giggle:

9/3/11

I know it's been forever since I updated my blog, but I haven't made much progress and I felt like maybe it was a waste of time to keep writing about how I can't move forward with my life because I'm so pathetic.

I'm there. In that place. It still hurts just as much as it did 2 months ago. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling in a way that will help me move on. I can barely stand to be awake and alive every single day.

I couldn't do my collage for my therapist. I tried...but I just couldn't do it. She said she could tell I'm depressed and she thinks I need to go see my psychiatrist to have my meds regulated. Yeah...because that will fix everything apparently.

I have an "assessment appointment" with an eating disorder clinic on the 12th. Physical and psychological testing for like 2 hours, and then we work out a "treatment plan". I don't know that I'm ready to recover, though. I just want help with my emotions...the binging and purging...I don't know if I'm ready to give it up. It's really the only outlet I have right now. I'm afraid of what might happen without it.

I hope you're all well, let me know.

x

8/19/11

Today is...well, I don't really know. I feel drained. My throat is reeeeeally sore. It hurts to swallow, which is fine, it will keep me from eating today.

I've been told that everything is my fault....as if I didn't know that already. But it's official, every important person in my life has said it directly to my face. Wonderful.

I finally saw my therapist yesterday. My homework for this week is cutting out pictures of things I like in magazines and making a collage of "who I am"...or rather, exploring it. I have no clue who I am, I have no identity. I usually just conform to whatever someone wants me to be. I don't know who I want to be though.

Tonight is my last night with my sister. She leaves early tomorrow morning. I feel completely alone. I don't know how I'm going to feel once she's actually gone, but I'm preparing myself for the worst.

I'm still purging and cutting. I really don't have any plans to stop, I don't know how else I would deal with everything. I really don't feel like caring anymore.

x

I want to be free.

The last two days have been pretty normal (for me, at least)- binging and purging, crying and cutting. My weight is at a stand-still right now, which is kind of normal for me. I'll be the same weight for a day or two, and then lose a pound or more. I need to start exercising more, any ideas on a good workout routine?

I'm trying so hard to be released from my emotions. I just hope this passes quickly.

I haven't seen my therapist in two weeks, but I see her Thursday evening. I'm sure have to reschedule all of my appointments hasn't really helped with the whole "getting better" thing. I'm trying to stay positive, trying not to think about things, and trying to find adequate distractions to fill my time with. Anyone have any suggestions? Maybe a good ED book or something?

I've also checked out the residential facilities my therapist suggested for me. Half of me wants to go, but not to "recover", just to have a safe place to be with other people who have the same problems I do. It would be like a break from reality, but I know that's not the right reason to go. I should go to get better, but I just don't know that I'm at that point yet.

J still hasn't called. I'm trying not to think about him. I know he doesn't care, and it kills me that I do. I wish I didn't. I wish I could be as cold as he is.

I hope you're all well. I'll be catching up on all of your blogs today.

x

Tears are words the heart cannot express.

Today wasn't great, but it was an improvement from what I've been going through lately on a daily basis. I chickened out and canceled picking up my stuff from J's. I just couldn't do it. I talked to him today for about 15 minutes. We just talked about normal stuff, I tried to be as normal as possible. He said he'd call me back later. He never did.

I went out tonight with friends, which is always good. I got a break from thinking about everything for a few hours. But as soon as I walked in the door, it all came flooding back.

I wish the heartache would stop.

Struggling.

It's been another long day of scarf and barf. My stomach, chest, head, and throat hurts. It only gets worse.

Tomorrow I'm getting my things from J. I'm dreading it. I don't want to see him, I know it will only throw me back into a depression. I might chicken out and tell him I'll stop by on a different day. I don't want to go through this pain anymore. I just want it to go away. I don't want closure, I don't want to acknowledge that it's really over. I just want it all to fade away slowly and as painlessly as possible.

I miss him, and he hates me. How do I deal with that?

x

Runaway.

You close your eyes and cried, dying for the right to feel...Nobody knows the trouble we've seen, nobody knows the price of this dream, nobody knows what it took to believe...Nobody. She wants to be free."

I feel like I'm stuck. I can't go forward, and I can't go back. I'm gripped with fear and anguish, sadness and sickness. I look behind me, I look in front of me. I can't believe the mess I've made. I want to collapse thinking about what it's going to take to undo all of it. Part of me wants to just give up, and part of me really wants to move forward. I go back and forth with my thoughts and emotions all day long. People look at me and see a smiling face, and they have no idea what's going on inside. They will never know. That's part of the beauty of this struggle...you have something that is genuinely yours. It's personal, it's your best friend in certain ways. But that's also what makes us so lonely.

I want to be okay. I want to be happy. I want to love myself. I want this burden off my back. Too bad it's easier said than done. I don't even know where to start.

x

8/6/2011

The last few days have been bad. I cut myself again tonight. I didn't eat anything until this evening, binged and purged twice, which is actually pretty good considering I usually do it a lot more.

My sister is moving to Maryland. I feel like I'm losing my best friend. I don't know what to do. I really have lost everything important to me. What else is there to take away? I feel so alone. I don't feel safe with anyone. I have no comfort.

I'm scared of the future. I'm terrified of being alone. But I know at some point I just have to do what needs to be done. I've got to make it on my own. I have to be okay with just myself. In some ways, being alone doesn't seem all that bad to me...I don't have to deal with "guy drama", don't have to be paranoid about trust issues, and I'm not responsible for anyone except myself. But at other times, I feel like I'm not good enough to make it. I'm too stupid, too weak, too ugly, too fat, too broken. But I have to do this for myself. I have to push through the pain and hope that it makes me stronger. I have to become who I want to be, and push myself to get there. Rely on myself, get angry at those who have abandoned me, and set out to prove them wrong.

I will either sink or swim. Now is the time.

x

Bloody Mary.

The pain I feel on the inside carries so much weight, it is a burden of unbearable measure, and nothing can take it away. Nothing can quench the dry thirst of a brokenness so gripping, so consuming, so painful. It punches the heart and strangles the throat. It leaves me alone and broken into so many pieces that I wonder if I'll ever be whole again. I see it every time I look in the mirror...it stares back at me with dead eyes. Void and uncaring. It leaves me desperately desiring to be dead inside. And all at once, it becomes too much. It overflows from the very core of my being to drops of blood streaming down my arm. And I see it...the physical manifestation of what is going on inside of me. I am alone, and my wounds comfort me. They provide a solace, a sanctuary from myself. Relief and anguish in one swift motion after another. I bleed the tears I cry alone in the dark, the fear I feel when I'm alone, the food I vomit. It is soothing, it is safe. I can physically carve out my emotions on a map of skin, and I feel comforted. My wounds are with me. They always will be.

7/31/11

Hello all, sorry it's been a few days. Things have been a bit stressful lately. I had to work some things out with J about getting my stuff out of the house, which was not fun. He got angry, he blamed me for things we weren't even supposed to be talking about, then he apologized, then he said he just wanted to be done with me completely. He was just all over the place. Sometimes he's more emotional than I am. It's exhausting trying to keep up.

I don't see my therapist this week, she's going on vacation. I'm still doing everything she asked me to, but I can't really tell if it's helping or not. I'm trying to get all I can out of it, but maybe it's too soon to tell.

I've lost two pounds, I'm overjoyed. Surprised, but definitely happy. I've tried to cut back on the purging, but then I just don't eat hardly at all. Ah, how wonderful it would be to be normal.

Hope you're all well.

x

Reality.

What does it really mean to purge? Just vomiting up our food for the sake of a single pound? Well, yes, that's definitely part of the equation. But the word equation suggests that there are two equal expressions involved...which is exactly why I used that word. But what is the other side of it? What is the other expression? I think it varies for many, but I can tell you exactly what it means for me.

Purge- verb

1. to rid of whatever is impure or undesirable; cleanse; purify

2. to free from moral or ceremonial defilement

I think those are my two favorite definitions for the word purge, because they are personally significant for me. When I purge, it's getting rid of what I ate in the interest of my weight, yes...but it's much deeper than that. When I vomit, I'm getting out more than just the food. I'm purging negative thoughts. I'm purging bad memories. I'm purging disgust, anger, fear, regret, loss, grief, hopelessness, guilt, my own weakness, the uncleanliness I feel within myself, tears, stress, doubt, uncertainty, the inability to control, the inability to say what I need to, the sadness of having to pretend. In short: pain. Seemingly unspeakable anguish, sadness, loneliness. A pain to which words would do no justice. It can only be felt. And feeling it, is exactly what I'm purging.

Vomiting isn't just about food, it's my outlet. It's my voice. It speaks when I'm silent. It goes where I can't...or more so, where I'm afraid to go. It is the echo of what awaits me on the inside. It has been my friend when others fell short. It has been my confidant when I didn't want to speak. It has heard my cry when no one was listening. It has been there for every tear shed.

Eating disorders are vastly personal. It's not about vanity, it's not about fashion, it's not about cigarettes and diet coke, it's not about our own personal brand of cocaine. Those things have been pushed to the surface level of the pro-ED community. It fascinates us. It's a world in which we have our own culture, we make up our own rules. But those things merely revolve around, and in my opinion, take away from what it's really about: Us, on the inside. The reality of pain, and for whatever reason, our belief that this behavior is the only way to deal with it. And so it becomes us. It defines us. We love it and we hate it.

That's what it's about. That's the reality of this disorder, it's very core. For those of you who truly suffer from an eating disorder, we share a bond that is only known to us.

I know why. I'm walking right next to you.

x

After a rough day...

Yesterday was pretty crappy. I was depressed and sad. I ate, I purged. I woke up today and had lost 2 pounds. I have NO idea how that happened, but I'm not going to lie, it makes me feel really REALLY good. It helps ease a broken heart. It helps give me motivation and plans for the future. I want so badly to be confident and happy with myself, I want to be able to enjoy my life no matter what my circumstances are. I hope I make it there one day.

For now, I continuously get pulled down into the black hole of mia. I feel like I'm being crushed. All I can do is pull my knees to my chest, and breathe deep. The silence is so loud.

I'm wishing the best for all of you.

x

I can't tell...

...if things are getting any better for me or not. I'm trying to not think about anything, and trying to stay around people at all times. When I'm alone, my thoughts consume me. I suppose it might help to get it out of my system.

I wonder...

I wonder why J ignored me from the beginning. I wonder why I was never good enough to keep his attention. I wonder how he could be so cold. I wonder if he knows that I know he's lying. I wonder how much longer he'll go on doing things for selfish reasons. I wonder why it didn't occur to me earlier that J does everything in pursuit of his own desires...never for anyone else, unless it benefits him. I wonder when he'll learn to love people unconditionally. I wonder why, at a time I need him most, he's turning his back on me. He said he wanted to help me get better, he wanted me to be okay. But I realize, he only wanted to make our break-up nice and clean and easy, rather than angry and messy and hurtful. He wanted to be able to move on without feeling bad about it. Even then, it's still all about him. Mainly, I wonder how long it will take me to get over it. I don't want to be any more damaged than I already am.

In other news...I saw my shrink again this week. He gave me Geodon for anxiety and sleep. It's a medicine for bipolar disorder and sometimes used to treat schizophrenia. It pretty much knocked me out, and I'm not going to lie...I liked it. I liked not having to think.

I see my therapist on Saturday. It can't come fast enough. The doctor appointments help keep me busy for the time being. I haven't been going out with people lately...mainly because my sister hasn't been, and a lot of times she's my ride since my family is currently playing an endless game of musical cars. I actually want to go out, but she doesn't. She just wants to sit on the phone all night, which is lovely, if you actually have someone to talk to. I have this male friend, who tries to talk to me every night before bed. He says he loves me, that he always has....truth be told, I can't stand him in that way. He's too whiny. Guys aren't supposed to be whiny. It makes him seem weak and more of a chick than I am. Bleh. Makes my stomach turn just thinking about it. He's so pushy and he asks waaaaay too many questions. I think I'm just going to avoid him for a few days. But I digress...going out makes me feel better. Being around other people and having a good time is good medicine, but my sister is being anti-social.

My Dad apologized to me last night. He said there's no excuse for the way he talked to me, and he's right. I'm glad he could admit it and make it right.

Anxiety rating today: 8. My stomach is turning, my mind won't shut off, and I feel anxious.

I hate this. To all of you belonging to the "pro-ana lifestyle" community, you have NO idea what you're asking for. Why would you want any of this? It's not at all what you have glamorized it to be. It's sick, and dark, and lonely. It's tears, blood, vomit, and anguish. Take my advice....grow up. You want attention? Get it somewhere else.

To all of you who really struggle, you're in my thoughts and prayers.

x

Broken.

Thank you all for your comments, it helps so much to read them and remember that I'm not so alone after all.

Last night was horrible. My Dad went off on me after I purged. He told me I have an "evil spirit", that I'm selfish, that if I die he would curse me every day for the rest of his life, threatened to force me into a treatment facility, and then just said he doesn't want me here anymore if I can't stop immediately. I tried to tell him that eating disorders don't work that way, that you don't just wake up one morning and not do it anymore. He said he knows all about it since he has a counseling degree, and that I should be able to just stop. It's laughable. He knows nothing of it. Later my Mom tried to talk to me. I explained to her that having this disorder is hell, I bawled right in front of her, telling her how I wish every single day that I had a normal relationship with food and my body. I told her about the emotional and mental pain it causes, and how it's not just about food anymore, it has it's roots in other issues. I tried my best to explain it to her, and she was more understanding than my Dad was...but then again, she always is. She's usually the voice of reason in the midst of my Dad's craziness.

I feel so broken. I lost my house, my fiance, my dog, a lot of my belongings, and now my family...when I need them most. I've lost everything. I keep reaching out for help, and no one will help me. J is heartless, cold, and distant toward me, now my family wants me out and I have nowhere to go. I feel like I have no motivation to live. I feel dead already.

The only good news I have is that I lost another pound. It's really my only comfort right now. I'm more dependent on my ED right now than I've ever been. It's my solace. Everyone is pushing me toward it more everyday.

I hope you're all doing much better than I am.

x

You're giving me a breakdown.

I'm having chest pains this morning, so I'm skipping church.

Yesterday was a bad day. I had a dream about J, which ruined the entire day. I tried to forget about it, but it stirred up all of the emotions that I've been running from. I hate that I can't control what I dream about. I had crying spells all day, the worst being after a particularly bad binge and painful purge episode. I broke down and cried on the bathroom floor, I begged for help. I went back upstairs and wanted to cut, but I didn't. I called a friend instead. I still feel some leftover anxiety from yesterday, but I'm trying to control my thoughts and not get carried away with emotion like I did.

Emotions are deceitful, at best.

As of right now, all I want to do is sit in silence and slowly waste away. I want to bear the image on the outside of the pain I feel on the inside. I especially want J to cringe the next time he sees me. I want him to look at me and instantly feel his heart drop. I want him to know how he's made me feel. I want him to feel like the jerk he is for the way he treated me all those months and now acting as if I don't matter at all. I'm not good enough for him to even converse with, I was never good enough. I want him to see the crippling pain on the outside and then I'll ask him, "Am I good enough now?" I want him to see the reflection of his hatefulness in my bones. I hope it crushes him the way he crushed me.

But who am I kidding? I doubt he would even care. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. It's a cruel game he plays.

I wish I could find the others like myself that live where I do. Having a friend close by that I can share everything with would be lovely. No matter how much I get along with other friends, there's still a wall that separates us...a wall of secrets that they wouldn't understand.

Anxiety level today: 8

Please keep me in your thoughts today, and I'll do the same for you.

x

Shrunk.

Anxiety level so far today: 4

Pretty good today I think. I finally met with my psychiatrist for the first time today. Everything went fine, he upped my dosage of Prozac and just talked to me for a bit. While we were discussing the cutting, he mentioned something that made me think a bit. He talked about how there was a tribe of Indians that used to cut themselves, mainly as a way of saying "Look what I did to myself. You think you can hurt me?" He went on to compare that to me. I found it interesting. He wants to see me again next week, which I thought was a bit odd. Usually shrinks give you a prescription and then expect to see you back in a month.

I'm excited for tomorrow. I'm going out for the entire night and having as much fun as possible. I need that right now.

Now I'm off to catch up on all of your blogs, sorry it's been so long.

x

Homework

I had my first therapy session yesterday evening. I actually like my therapist, she seemed lovely. She gave me "homework" to do this week until our next appointment, and the first thing I'm supposed to do is rate my anxiety level for today, with 1 being "I'm fine", and 10 being "I want to jump out of my skin". Today's rating: 9.

I saw J yesterday as well. Everything went fine, but I had to give him my dog. My family didn't want another dog around the house, so he agreed to take her so I could still see her from time to time. I also had to pick up a few things from the house, but my anxiety was through the roof the entire time I was there. I was physically shaking, and couldn't control it. After I got home, I completely broke down. I just have a hard time accepting that after all we've been through, he acts like I never existed. But maybe I never did. That's what it always felt like anyway.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I just want to hide away.

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7/10/11

I went to a birthday party tonight. It was nice to hang out with people and not think about J for a while.

My throat has been in bad shape all day. It feels like I'm being chocked constantly. It's like my throat is refusing to swallow, and every time I try, it's incredibly painful. I assume it's from all the purging. Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow.

Emotionally, I'm a bit more stable than I have been, but I'm still sad. There's still an ache, a constant pain that won't go away. I hope I can get past all of this quickly and painlessly. I've been hurt enough as it is.

Love you guys

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Laxies

Yesterday was a purge-fest. My body was so exhausted, so I took some laxatives. I woke up this morning weighing half a pound less than yesterday, so it was worth it. It made my morning. I needed something good after J called me. He asked me for money. I just sat there in silence, listening to him. When he was done talking, all I said was "Is that the only reason you called?". He started mumbling about how he also wanted to know how I was doing, blah blah blah. I just sat there in silence. Finally he said "I'll just call you back later". He hasn't yet, and I doubt he will. He doesn't care how I'm doing, he just needs my help. He's already let me know how much happier he is without me, so I know he doesn't give a shit about me. I'm not giving him money. Period.

I haven't purged today yet, but I haven't had much to eat. I figured I would try restricting today, but I know it probably won't happen. Maybe once my anxiety and depression levels are more under control, then I'll be able to go back to restricting instead of the constant binging and purging. It's really rough on my body, so I'd like to go back and forth a bit...give my throat a break.

I'm trying to keep my mind completely focused on food and weight so I don't have to think about J. I want to be happy with the way I look and be confident. Then I can just say "Fuck you" to J and move on, knowing I'm somewhat happy with myself. I know I'll never be completely happy...that's the problem with this disorder...but I can at least be happier than I am right now.

I hope you're all well.

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7/5/2011

Lately I've been up and down emotionally and mentally. One minute, I'll be out with my sister and friends and be perfectly fine, enjoying myself....but when I'm alone, I feel like life just isn't worth this pain. I'm struggling through it all, trying to figure things out. I just don't know what to do anymore. J hasn't been talking to me at all, other than to tell me how well he's doing. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that a person I love so much is happier without me.

I'm still binging and purging. I haven't cut myself lately, which is good I suppose. My hair is falling out...my sister mentioned it when she was fixing my hair the other day. I've started taking vitamins, which will hopefully help with that. If you guys have any other good suggestions, please let me know. Physically, I'm doing okay, although I know my body is getting weaker day by day. I can just feel it. Sometimes I get bad migraines, but they don't last for more than a minute or two.

I'm going to start looking for new work soon. In the next month or so. I hope I feel better by then. I have my psychiatrist appointment on the 14th and my therapist on the 11th. I'm nervous about it...I really hope it helps.

Let me know how you're all doing.

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Sinking

I'm literally dying to be loved. Every bite of food I eat, every time I stick my fingers down my throat...it's a scream. As loudly as I can muster, I'm screaming. For love, for help, for someone to love me because who I am, who I've always been, is enough. Good enough. And I'm screaming because of pain. A pain that never seems to go away. An ache that never dulls. Any relief I find is only temporary. I'm pleading, in my own way, with people. Begging them to see something in me that is enough for them. But every time, it ends the same way. I am thrown away. I'm told time and time again that there's nothing about me that will ever be enough for anyone. And it's devastating. Even more so with each passing moment, each encounter piling up.

I can feel myself giving up. It's a slow process, but I'm fully aware of what's happening. I wake up every morning and try desperately to hold on to life, to pull myself out of the rough waters of doubt and despair...but it seems like everyday I just let go a little more.

I'm sinking.

Where is the hand to pull me up? Where is my life line? Nowhere in sight. I can't see them from here. All I know is the water is rising, and I'm sinking. Soon I will be drowned out completely.

Help.