Sinking

I'm literally dying to be loved. Every bite of food I eat, every time I stick my fingers down my throat...it's a scream. As loudly as I can muster, I'm screaming. For love, for help, for someone to love me because who I am, who I've always been, is enough. Good enough. And I'm screaming because of pain. A pain that never seems to go away. An ache that never dulls. Any relief I find is only temporary. I'm pleading, in my own way, with people. Begging them to see something in me that is enough for them. But every time, it ends the same way. I am thrown away. I'm told time and time again that there's nothing about me that will ever be enough for anyone. And it's devastating. Even more so with each passing moment, each encounter piling up.

I can feel myself giving up. It's a slow process, but I'm fully aware of what's happening. I wake up every morning and try desperately to hold on to life, to pull myself out of the rough waters of doubt and despair...but it seems like everyday I just let go a little more.

I'm sinking.

Where is the hand to pull me up? Where is my life line? Nowhere in sight. I can't see them from here. All I know is the water is rising, and I'm sinking. Soon I will be drowned out completely.

Help.

Update.

I'm living with my parents. Still trying to figure it all out. J and I don't speak very often. I guess he's just completely done. I'm struggling with trying to stay positive about the future, and being quite sad.

My emotions fluctuate alot, especially the last two days. I'm on Prozac, which helps some, but I wish I could just be completely numb.

I'm still binging and purging, even more now that I'm going through all of this. I always feel tired and drained, my hair is falling out. But I don't really care.

I had my sister pierce my cartilage with a sewing needle. The pain actually helped get my mind off of my anxiety...I guess it kind of replaced cutting for one night. I still want to cut. I think about it all the time, especially looking at the scars on my arms.

My outpatient appointments aren't until the second week in July, which sucks....I need to talk to someone now, but I don't have any control over that.

I hope you're all well.

x

On the edge.

J and I are completely over. He's been flirting with other girls. He blocked me on everything I could've contacted him on. He's broken every promise he made.

I feel so abandoned. So hopeless.

I really wish I had never been born. I'm struggling with an intense desire to not exist anymore. Please please pray for me.

Death just looks like the only way out of this right now.

One more shot before we kiss the other side. I'm on the edge of something final we call life.

Crazy House.

Okay, so....

J and I broke up.

But we're seeing where things go. We're starting out as friends, and seeing where our relationship leads...but for now, he needs time to himself, and I need time to figure things out for myself as well.

I'm incredibly sad...but remarkably, I'm okay I think. It might get worse as the days go by...I don't know. For now, I'm just trying to focus on the present, one day at a time.

I just got out of the hospital today after a 5 day stay in the psychiatric unit. My Mom took me to the ER after I cut myself, and asked me to stay until they discharged me. They found out about my ED, I was diagnosed as Bulimic. They attempted to treat that, as well as my self mutilation.

The only really bad thing.....I'm now living with my parents. J asked me to leave (for now, at least), so that we could both have some space between us. I'm trying to fight depression, anxiety, and negativity at every turn. I'm trying to stay calm and be rational. But it's so hard.

I hope you're all well, and you'll be hearing some of my stories from the "crazy house" soon.

x

Crossroads.

Today could be the day it all ends. J and I are going to have that talk tonight. I don't know what he will say. I don't know what I will say. All I know, is I'm tired of being miserable. I'm tired of being ignored, and I'm not going to beg him to stay. I've cried so much over him already, and I don't know what else to do. If he loves me enough, he'll stay. If not, then I suppose I should desire to find someone who would love me that much.

Please pray for me.