Friday Night.

I'm at work, getting ready to leave with a few of my co-workers to grab some dinner and drinks. I'm so glad this week is over, it's been crazy at work, and crazy at home. I've felt very chaotic lately. My place even looks chaotic. Clothes thrown everywhere, my bed is never made, my garbage can is completely full, my pantry is disheveled and there are empty boxes/bags still left in there. Ugh, its a mess. I guess that will be my Saturday....cleaning.

I've been doing better about getting up early to practice....as long as I go to bed on time. It's like, as soon as I actually get in bed, I WAKE UP. It's ridiculous. But my practice is getting better. Slowly but surely. I hate having to wait for things to happen.

As far as food goes, I'm again, chaotic and all over the place. Some days I do fine and eat "clean" and feel good. Some days I binge and purge. Some days I eat things that don't make me feel good, but don't purge. I don't have a game plan, a meal plan, or even a shopping list. I don't know where to start. I hate to admit it....but I think I need a dietitian again.

Anyway, I'm off for drinks! I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend.

X

7/21/2013

Just finished my Primary Series practice. I'm tired, but I feel good. I can tell I made quite a bit of process by the way my muscles are already starting to feel. The "full" practice of Ashtanga is done 6 days a week, with Saturdays off. I'm working up to that, but right now I'm at 4 or 5 days a week. Traditionally you do the practice early in the morning before sunrise, but I find it ridiculously difficult to get myself up that early, even if I've had a full 8 hours of sleep throughout the night. In fact, I have issues waking up at all! I think I have thyroid issues, but no doctor has ever said anything about it, even when I've had labs done (multiple times). I don't know...My psychiatrist prescribed Trazodone to help me fall asleep, but I'm terrified to take any sort of med that induces sleep because it's nearly impossible for me to wake up on them, so I haven't actually taken it.

Anyway, as far as food....I've done pretty well with just eating when I'm hungry and not binging or purging. The problem is, I still don't know WHAT to eat, or how much to eat. It's frustrating, and sometimes it makes me feel so crazy. I hate cooking, I despise it....but I'm trying. I'm trying to navigate my way through this whole recovery mess. Right now, that's exactly what it is. A mess. Maybe I'll post some of the recipes I try.

I hope all is well with all of you out there.

X

Love the transformation of this girl <3 p="">

7/14/2013

So sorry for the lapse in posting...particularly for the last year >.<

 I moved out!

 I'm in my own place, working my own job, driving my own car, paying my own bills.....and it's awesome. I'm loving the freedom, the independence, and the quiet time. I've always been a person that needs "me time". I love being around people, but I also need some time to myself, to unwind for the day.

I'm currently working 40 hours a week, I do my traditional Ashtanga yoga practice every morning (or sometimes evening) 6 days a week, still see my therapist every week, and started seeing a new psychiatrist. Those are the "staple" activities of my week. I also make time to go out with friends, mostly on the weekends, and spend plenty of time with my boyfriend, without being attached to his hip every second.

It's.....refreshing.

It's literally like a breathe of fresh air to be okay on my own. To not be co-dependent, financially dependent, or feel lazy. It's wonderful.

That being said, I am still struggling with the bulimia. I've found myself feeling like my head is going to explode trying to think about what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, etc... That's one part of recovery that I never really grasped. When I was inpatient, the model that was used was "intuitive eating", which can be great, depending on the person and the progression of the eating disorder. I DON'T think it was beneficial for me at all. I mean, I'm bulimic....I don't know what a "normal" portion is. I don't know what "moderate" hunger is supposed to feel like. I don't know where the line is between still hungry and "full". I used to binge and purge 10 times a day or more, and I've never had "normal" eating habits. My body has been fucked with so much that I don't get normal hunger/fullness signals.

There are so many questions....how do I eat a "binge food" in moderation? What IS moderation? What if I feel too full? What if I'm still hungry? Where is the line between too much and too little?

Ugh. I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. I keep going back and forth...some days I'll do nothing but binge and purge. Other days, I don't purge, try to eat in moderation, but I'm always worried in the back of my head about if I've eaten too much. Then there's the issue of my body. I don't love it. I don't like it. I feel trapped in it. I want to lose weight.

Some days, my yoga practice helps me appreciate my body. Other days....not so much. Especially when I kick up into a handstand and am trying to work on balance, but my body won't cooperate for as long as I would like. Sometimes I get mad at my body.

Anyway, that's my updating/rambling/venting session. I will try to update at least 3 times a week from now on! I will be catching up on all of your blogs to see what you've all been up to!

X