I know it's been forever since I updated my blog, but I haven't made much progress and I felt like maybe it was a waste of time to keep writing about how I can't move forward with my life because I'm so pathetic.
I'm there. In that place. It still hurts just as much as it did 2 months ago. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling in a way that will help me move on. I can barely stand to be awake and alive every single day.
I couldn't do my collage for my therapist. I tried...but I just couldn't do it. She said she could tell I'm depressed and she thinks I need to go see my psychiatrist to have my meds regulated. Yeah...because that will fix everything apparently.
I have an "assessment appointment" with an eating disorder clinic on the 12th. Physical and psychological testing for like 2 hours, and then we work out a "treatment plan". I don't know that I'm ready to recover, though. I just want help with my emotions...the binging and purging...I don't know if I'm ready to give it up. It's really the only outlet I have right now. I'm afraid of what might happen without it.
I hope you're all well, let me know.
x
Glad you are at least taking a step towards treatment even if you aren't sure you are ready to commit. It's something at least.
ReplyDeleteI see you will be understanding many things about which you currently express confusion, as you begin talking to a dietician. You mentioned doing a collage for a therapist and that you couldn't. It is for you, not your therapist. Perhaps not understanding that you would gain insight into who you are by doing it will help you do it. I used to do collages every day when I was recovering from anorexia.
ReplyDeleteYou said you didn't know why you are having trouble sleeping and that you want help with your emotions. Both of those things require chemicals. A certain balance of chemicals is required to be able to fall asleep, a different set is needed to stay asleep, and still a different set to be able to fall back asleep if one is awakened. To regulate emotions, a whole host of factors are necessary. Hormones need to be in balance, and hormones are made from the fuel that we give our organs through what we eat and drink. It is necessary to have enough stomach acid to digest what we eat too. Stomach acid is reduced when there is even one episode of vomiting. This affects the entire 24 day's worth of nutrient intake. In order to want to give up binge-eating, one first has to give it up, and then one becomes enthused about continuing. To wait until you want to is not how people operate. It doesn't work. It is like asking an alcoholic to want to not drink. That desire doesn't usually go away until months of not drinking have passed.
ReplyDeleteThen you wrote that you had no other outlet right now. This is not accurate. When there is a void, it gets filled. This is the nature of life. With time and energy on your hands, you will do things that you have done in the past or that you have observed and want to try. Examples include dancing, listening to music, reading, writing, running, playing a sport, screaming, talking, yelling, visiting an animal shelter, watching people in a police station or in a court room, movies, etc. Try very, very hard to be honest with yourself because you are all you really have that is truly yours, and you will have yourself forever and ever.
ReplyDelete