Reality.

What does it really mean to purge? Just vomiting up our food for the sake of a single pound? Well, yes, that's definitely part of the equation. But the word equation suggests that there are two equal expressions involved...which is exactly why I used that word. But what is the other side of it? What is the other expression? I think it varies for many, but I can tell you exactly what it means for me.

Purge- verb

1. to rid of whatever is impure or undesirable; cleanse; purify

2. to free from moral or ceremonial defilement

I think those are my two favorite definitions for the word purge, because they are personally significant for me. When I purge, it's getting rid of what I ate in the interest of my weight, yes...but it's much deeper than that. When I vomit, I'm getting out more than just the food. I'm purging negative thoughts. I'm purging bad memories. I'm purging disgust, anger, fear, regret, loss, grief, hopelessness, guilt, my own weakness, the uncleanliness I feel within myself, tears, stress, doubt, uncertainty, the inability to control, the inability to say what I need to, the sadness of having to pretend. In short: pain. Seemingly unspeakable anguish, sadness, loneliness. A pain to which words would do no justice. It can only be felt. And feeling it, is exactly what I'm purging.

Vomiting isn't just about food, it's my outlet. It's my voice. It speaks when I'm silent. It goes where I can't...or more so, where I'm afraid to go. It is the echo of what awaits me on the inside. It has been my friend when others fell short. It has been my confidant when I didn't want to speak. It has heard my cry when no one was listening. It has been there for every tear shed.

Eating disorders are vastly personal. It's not about vanity, it's not about fashion, it's not about cigarettes and diet coke, it's not about our own personal brand of cocaine. Those things have been pushed to the surface level of the pro-ED community. It fascinates us. It's a world in which we have our own culture, we make up our own rules. But those things merely revolve around, and in my opinion, take away from what it's really about: Us, on the inside. The reality of pain, and for whatever reason, our belief that this behavior is the only way to deal with it. And so it becomes us. It defines us. We love it and we hate it.

That's what it's about. That's the reality of this disorder, it's very core. For those of you who truly suffer from an eating disorder, we share a bond that is only known to us.

I know why. I'm walking right next to you.

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