You're giving me a breakdown.

I'm having chest pains this morning, so I'm skipping church.

Yesterday was a bad day. I had a dream about J, which ruined the entire day. I tried to forget about it, but it stirred up all of the emotions that I've been running from. I hate that I can't control what I dream about. I had crying spells all day, the worst being after a particularly bad binge and painful purge episode. I broke down and cried on the bathroom floor, I begged for help. I went back upstairs and wanted to cut, but I didn't. I called a friend instead. I still feel some leftover anxiety from yesterday, but I'm trying to control my thoughts and not get carried away with emotion like I did.

Emotions are deceitful, at best.

As of right now, all I want to do is sit in silence and slowly waste away. I want to bear the image on the outside of the pain I feel on the inside. I especially want J to cringe the next time he sees me. I want him to look at me and instantly feel his heart drop. I want him to know how he's made me feel. I want him to feel like the jerk he is for the way he treated me all those months and now acting as if I don't matter at all. I'm not good enough for him to even converse with, I was never good enough. I want him to see the crippling pain on the outside and then I'll ask him, "Am I good enough now?" I want him to see the reflection of his hatefulness in my bones. I hope it crushes him the way he crushed me.

But who am I kidding? I doubt he would even care. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. It's a cruel game he plays.

I wish I could find the others like myself that live where I do. Having a friend close by that I can share everything with would be lovely. No matter how much I get along with other friends, there's still a wall that separates us...a wall of secrets that they wouldn't understand.

Anxiety level today: 8

Please keep me in your thoughts today, and I'll do the same for you.

x