The last few days have been bad. I cut myself again tonight. I didn't eat anything until this evening, binged and purged twice, which is actually pretty good considering I usually do it a lot more.
My sister is moving to Maryland. I feel like I'm losing my best friend. I don't know what to do. I really have lost everything important to me. What else is there to take away? I feel so alone. I don't feel safe with anyone. I have no comfort.
I'm scared of the future. I'm terrified of being alone. But I know at some point I just have to do what needs to be done. I've got to make it on my own. I have to be okay with just myself. In some ways, being alone doesn't seem all that bad to me...I don't have to deal with "guy drama", don't have to be paranoid about trust issues, and I'm not responsible for anyone except myself. But at other times, I feel like I'm not good enough to make it. I'm too stupid, too weak, too ugly, too fat, too broken. But I have to do this for myself. I have to push through the pain and hope that it makes me stronger. I have to become who I want to be, and push myself to get there. Rely on myself, get angry at those who have abandoned me, and set out to prove them wrong.
I will either sink or swim. Now is the time.
x
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