Bleeding Love

I'm finally updating again...I'll try to do better about it.

Last night was complete shit. I felt this compulsion all day to eat, just stuff my face and eat anything and everything in sight. But I fought it. Alllllll day I fought it so hard. I ended up eating about 600 calories...not a fantastic victory, but not a loss either. That was until my boyfriend called me. He's incredible, and nothing but good to me...but I, on the other hand, am a bitch.

Due to my intense desire for food, I found myself in a VERY crappy mood. So I picked a fight. I don't even remember what it was about, nor did I care at the time. I just wanted to be mad at him so I'd have a reason to go all emotional and binge. I just wanted him to let me get off the phone. And he did. And I binged.

It was a MASSIVE binge. The worst I've had in so long. I felt so horrible. And the worst part was, I couldn't purge. My younger sister was still awake, and she would've heard me. Unfortunately, she wouldn't have bought into my excuses either. "I'm sick...I don't feel well..." doesn't work on her. So there was nothing I could do to get rid of it.

And out of nowhere, this overwhelming feeling came over me, and I did something I swore I would NEVER do. I cut myself. I just did it. Without really thinking about it. And afterward, I sat there in awe...I couldn't believe I had just done that. And I still can't believe it. That's something I told myself I would never do, and if any of you really knew me, you'd never think I'd be the type to do it. Not only does it not fit my personality type, but I can't stand the sight of blood. Especially my own. But last night it didn't bother me at all. I'm still amazed and disgusted with myself at the same time.

Anyway....so today I've had 310 calories. And I'm done for the day. I'm going to go apologize to my boyfriend, and try to keep my grumpy ass in line.

Hope you're all doing well. Stay strong.

Thinspo for you:

Gaga

Sorry I haven't been updating lately. I've been a bit lacking in the motivation department. But I'm back now.

I'm going to be moving out of my house soon...hopefully. I moved home a few months ago after going through a rough break-up, and I am SO ready to get out of this house. I love my family and all, but they drive me crrrrraaaaazzzzyyyy alot. I'll be relieved to be on my own.

I've had around 190 cals. so far today. I'm going to try not to go over 300. We'll see how it goes.

Anyway, thinspo for you: The lovely Lady Gaga

Wait It Out

So it's almost 5 in the morning where I live, and I have yet to sleep. Although I'm hungry, my lack of sleep isn't because of that. I've always had really weird sleeping habits. It's like I can never go to sleep when I want to. My body refuses to cooperate with the schedule I attempt to impose on it. Ah well, I guess that's just how it goes...

I have a new boyfriend. He's great. Not like anyone I've ever been with before. So compassionate towards me. I feel safe with him. I feel like everything is going to be alright when I'm with him. He loves me despite all of my craziness. I need that.

I guess I'm going to stay awake until I just have to sleep. I don't like sleeping in late. I'd rather get some things done early, and just take a nap in the evening...If I don't collapse before then.

Thinspo for you:

It's been forever...

Sorry for the lack of posts for the past couple of months...I've been really busy, although I know that's not much of an excuse. I hope you're all doing well.

I've been doing alright, not as well as I would like though. I feel like I've lost a bit of motivation. Maybe it's because I haven't been keeping up with this site, and the ones that I used to read regularly. Things like that have always been a motivation for me.

Thinspo for you:

Aches

Sorry for the lack of updates, I've been a bit busy.

My restricting is still going pretty well. I'm not the type that usually has alot of ups and downs unless there's something else going on. The only real problems I've been having are aches all over. But that's to be expected...I've gone through it all before. I've been this way since I was 12.

Anyway...Thinspo:

My Delirium

So things have been going really well for me. 170 calories so far today. I'm pretty sure that's all I'll have.

I thought I would use one of my favorite music artists as thinspo today- Ladyhawke:

The Cheesecake Factory

So I just survived dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. Of all the places my family wanted to go eat at, they had to pick the resturant that serves extremely fattening food in gigantic portions. Ugh. But I did really well. I ordered a salad, and only ate a couple of bites of the chicken that was on it. I didn't touch anything else. I feel good about it.

Thinspo:

I live in an ice cube...

...not literally, of course. But lately it feels like I really do live in an ice cube. Partly because my Dad likes to keep the house freezing cold, and partly because I don't eat "enough". It's July, and I feel the need to wear sweaters around my house all the time. But I guess I shouldn't complain...

Thinspo:

The Sick

So whenever I'm sick, I usually categorize my sickness by how bad it is. There's "kinda sick", "pretty sick", and "THE sick". Unfortuantely I have THE sick at the moment. Two days, and I feel miserable. The only good thing about it is that I have no real desire to eat anything at all. I hope I get better soon, I hate feeling like this.

It's day 6 of my 30 day plan, and I've done wonderfully. I feel really proud of myself. I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere, finally heading in the direction I've wanted to go for so long.

There are some not so good things that have happened as well. For reasons I can't really say, I might have to postpone college until next semester. *Sighhhh* I don't want to. At all. I want to get the things done that need to be done in order for me to apply for Law School, but everything is having to be postponed, and it's incredibly annoying. Ugh.

Thinspo for you:

So...

I'm going to start posting on here again. It seems that the majority of pro-ana websites and blogs out there only last for a few months at the most, and then they're either shut down or abandoned. I refuse to be one of the many doing that sort of thing, so I'm going to start posting regularly on here.

I've decided to do this plan for 30 days without breaking it at all. Usually I restrict for a couple of weeks and then have a day or two where I fail. Terribly. I'm getting incredibly worn out by that process though, so I've started the 30 day no-tolerance-for-cheating-crap...thing.

It's day 4 and I've done wonderfully. I'm proud of myself.

So I thought about putting up my stats like most other pro-anas would on their sites, but after much consideration, I've come to the conclusion that I'm simply too much of a cow to post them. Maybe I'll post them after the 30 days when I'm half the cow I am now.

Until the next post...Stay strong.

Thinspo:

2/2/09

So I'm finally moved in. I've been doing really well with everything. Restricting calories has seemed to be easier than normal...not that I'm complaining ;)

Thinspo for you:

Moving

It's been a while. I'm in the process of moving, so I haven't been able to update this thing. Anyway, some thinspo for you...

First Post

Okay, so this is pretty much just an online thinspo diary because someone will probably find it if I keep an actual one. Spontaneous posting should be expected.

;)