Laxies

Yesterday was a purge-fest. My body was so exhausted, so I took some laxatives. I woke up this morning weighing half a pound less than yesterday, so it was worth it. It made my morning. I needed something good after J called me. He asked me for money. I just sat there in silence, listening to him. When he was done talking, all I said was "Is that the only reason you called?". He started mumbling about how he also wanted to know how I was doing, blah blah blah. I just sat there in silence. Finally he said "I'll just call you back later". He hasn't yet, and I doubt he will. He doesn't care how I'm doing, he just needs my help. He's already let me know how much happier he is without me, so I know he doesn't give a shit about me. I'm not giving him money. Period.

I haven't purged today yet, but I haven't had much to eat. I figured I would try restricting today, but I know it probably won't happen. Maybe once my anxiety and depression levels are more under control, then I'll be able to go back to restricting instead of the constant binging and purging. It's really rough on my body, so I'd like to go back and forth a bit...give my throat a break.

I'm trying to keep my mind completely focused on food and weight so I don't have to think about J. I want to be happy with the way I look and be confident. Then I can just say "Fuck you" to J and move on, knowing I'm somewhat happy with myself. I know I'll never be completely happy...that's the problem with this disorder...but I can at least be happier than I am right now.

I hope you're all well.

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