I can't tell...

...if things are getting any better for me or not. I'm trying to not think about anything, and trying to stay around people at all times. When I'm alone, my thoughts consume me. I suppose it might help to get it out of my system.

I wonder...

I wonder why J ignored me from the beginning. I wonder why I was never good enough to keep his attention. I wonder how he could be so cold. I wonder if he knows that I know he's lying. I wonder how much longer he'll go on doing things for selfish reasons. I wonder why it didn't occur to me earlier that J does everything in pursuit of his own desires...never for anyone else, unless it benefits him. I wonder when he'll learn to love people unconditionally. I wonder why, at a time I need him most, he's turning his back on me. He said he wanted to help me get better, he wanted me to be okay. But I realize, he only wanted to make our break-up nice and clean and easy, rather than angry and messy and hurtful. He wanted to be able to move on without feeling bad about it. Even then, it's still all about him. Mainly, I wonder how long it will take me to get over it. I don't want to be any more damaged than I already am.

In other news...I saw my shrink again this week. He gave me Geodon for anxiety and sleep. It's a medicine for bipolar disorder and sometimes used to treat schizophrenia. It pretty much knocked me out, and I'm not going to lie...I liked it. I liked not having to think.

I see my therapist on Saturday. It can't come fast enough. The doctor appointments help keep me busy for the time being. I haven't been going out with people lately...mainly because my sister hasn't been, and a lot of times she's my ride since my family is currently playing an endless game of musical cars. I actually want to go out, but she doesn't. She just wants to sit on the phone all night, which is lovely, if you actually have someone to talk to. I have this male friend, who tries to talk to me every night before bed. He says he loves me, that he always has....truth be told, I can't stand him in that way. He's too whiny. Guys aren't supposed to be whiny. It makes him seem weak and more of a chick than I am. Bleh. Makes my stomach turn just thinking about it. He's so pushy and he asks waaaaay too many questions. I think I'm just going to avoid him for a few days. But I digress...going out makes me feel better. Being around other people and having a good time is good medicine, but my sister is being anti-social.

My Dad apologized to me last night. He said there's no excuse for the way he talked to me, and he's right. I'm glad he could admit it and make it right.

Anxiety rating today: 8. My stomach is turning, my mind won't shut off, and I feel anxious.

I hate this. To all of you belonging to the "pro-ana lifestyle" community, you have NO idea what you're asking for. Why would you want any of this? It's not at all what you have glamorized it to be. It's sick, and dark, and lonely. It's tears, blood, vomit, and anguish. Take my advice....grow up. You want attention? Get it somewhere else.

To all of you who really struggle, you're in my thoughts and prayers.

x