Broken.

Thank you all for your comments, it helps so much to read them and remember that I'm not so alone after all.

Last night was horrible. My Dad went off on me after I purged. He told me I have an "evil spirit", that I'm selfish, that if I die he would curse me every day for the rest of his life, threatened to force me into a treatment facility, and then just said he doesn't want me here anymore if I can't stop immediately. I tried to tell him that eating disorders don't work that way, that you don't just wake up one morning and not do it anymore. He said he knows all about it since he has a counseling degree, and that I should be able to just stop. It's laughable. He knows nothing of it. Later my Mom tried to talk to me. I explained to her that having this disorder is hell, I bawled right in front of her, telling her how I wish every single day that I had a normal relationship with food and my body. I told her about the emotional and mental pain it causes, and how it's not just about food anymore, it has it's roots in other issues. I tried my best to explain it to her, and she was more understanding than my Dad was...but then again, she always is. She's usually the voice of reason in the midst of my Dad's craziness.

I feel so broken. I lost my house, my fiance, my dog, a lot of my belongings, and now my family...when I need them most. I've lost everything. I keep reaching out for help, and no one will help me. J is heartless, cold, and distant toward me, now my family wants me out and I have nowhere to go. I feel like I have no motivation to live. I feel dead already.

The only good news I have is that I lost another pound. It's really my only comfort right now. I'm more dependent on my ED right now than I've ever been. It's my solace. Everyone is pushing me toward it more everyday.

I hope you're all doing much better than I am.

x