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So J and I just got home from a 9 hour trip to my grandparents' house. We were supposed to go to my parents' house, but the day before we left, I found out that my grandfather died. So we ended up seeing my parents in a different city for the funeral. It was really nice, and good to see a lot of family I hadn't seen in a long time. It was sad though, I'm really going to miss my grandfather. He was so sweet.

I hope all of you are doing well.

xoxo

Red wine & ambien, You're talking shit again...

So J left for his job training today. I miss him, but I keep reminding myself that he'll be back Wednesday evening.

We leave for my parents' house Thursday morning, and while I was never thrilled about it, I've officially lost any optimism I may have had about it. My mom and I talked today, and she made me feel guilty for leaving home when I did, and because of J's work schedule we'll only be able to visit them for 3 days. I love my mom, I love my entire family, but sometimes I wish they would just mind their own business. I have to live my life. I can listen to their advice, but in the end, the choice is mine to make. I know they mean well, and they think they're helping me, but all they've done is make me feel overwhelmed and upset. I feel so pressured from every side. I feel like I've been thrust into the world, unprepared, with a million different voices shouting at me to do a million different things. Seems like somehow, I'm supposed to be able to navigate the murky waters of decision and consequence correctly, and yet, they all tell me that all I have for a paddle is apathy. How ironic.

I'm sure most of you know exactly what I'm talking about. It all seems to be commonplace among "our kind". I hope all of you have a little more direction and a little more luck than I.

Then again, it could be a lot worse.

Thinspo update later.

xoxo

3/20/2010

So I think I'm doing a little bit better emotionally. But then again, considering that I always feel hungry AND I'm female...I doubt it will last.

I'm getting ready to go have coffee with J, and I'm really hoping that today will be good. We both need a good day. He's leaving tomorrow afternoon to go to job training for two days. I can't go with him. After that, he's coming back to get me and we're driving 8 hours to visit my family for three days. Joy. I love my family, but I know the whole time I'll be pressured to eat. It's bad enough getting it from J, but my family loves to make a fuss over it. I hope it goes better than I expect it to.

Thinspo for you:

xoxo

J'ai Faim

I'm pretty sure I drank my weight in alcohol last night. It was fun at first...until I started noticing that I was feeling more emotional than usual. Like everything I've been feeling for the last few days was amplified by 2934u9052435234720...if that makes any sense.

I'm lonely and depressed, and I feel completely unwanted and unloved. My head knows that it's ridiculous to feel this way, especially with a fiance as wonderful as mine, but it just won't go away. I've tried to ignore it, I've even tried talking to J about it. It just makes him irritable. He feels like I'm just making a huge list of everything he's doing wrong. And maybe I am. I don't know anymore. He's the best thing to ever happen to me and I don't want to screw it up by acting on emotions that are unreasonable. But I don't know how to deal with them. I feel like he's not attracted to me at all, and he can tell me its not true all he wants, but it still feels that way, and I can't get rid of those feelings.

It's driving me insane. I can't sleep. I just lie there dwelling on those feelings and trying not to cry. What am I supposed to do? I keep thinking "If I lose more weight, things will get better." And I truly believe that, but I know it won't fix everything. I'm at a loss. I feel desperate. I don't know what to do to reconcile this. I'm trying to be rational, I really am. I guess I'll just have to fake utter happiness until it really comes. I don't want to cause problems in my relationship over insecurity that has no bearing on reality. I wish I could wish them all away. And I wish I had 3 wishes to do it.

"I got pretty bored waiting, so I started going over the lines in my head for this French play I'm in at school. I play a rabbit called Janot Lapin, who's the leader of a group of farm animals. It's not the most interesting play in the universe, but we only know three verb tenses so far so we didn't have a lot of choices. There's this one scene where I'm really hungry because the landowners aren't feeding us, and I keep saying 'J'ai faim.' In case you didn't know, that means 'I'm hungry,' but it really means 'I have hunger.' That's what real French people say. I think it's neat how French people have hunger, but they aren't hungry like Americans are. I mean, it's a lot easier to try not to have something than to try not to be it."

-Lori Gottlieb, Stick Figure: A Diary of my Former Self p. 132

<3

So I was thinking about how isolated I am today. Not only I, but it seems that most eating-disordered people tend to isolate themselves. Surprisingly, I wasn't too bothered by the thought. What did bother me is the fact that I wish I were surrounded by like-minded people.

One of my very best friends used to be bulimic. We shared our eating disorders, and while she still struggles with it, she's not even close to the mindset that I'm still in. I wish I had real life friends that shared my struggles, problems, goals, and thoughts. I love the online community, but it's not quite the same.

Thinspo: Gaga from her "Telephone" video:

Showers...

...at 4 am are always nice. Especially after sex. The only part I hate about it, is that it's 4 am. I should be asleep. But instead, I'm sitting in bed next to my fiance, (we'll call him 'J') writing this, listening to him breathe while he sleeps. I should be laying next to him sound asleep with absolutely no worries about whether or not he loves me. I should be feeling secure in how much he loves me. But I'm not.

I hate myself. That causes me to be unable to trust people, because I find it ridiculous to even try to believe that I'm "lovable". As much evidence as there is to the contrary, I refuse to believe that anyone would ever want me or love me. And yet, he does. He tells me everyday. He makes it known to everyone. He's good to me. Even when I'm difficult. But still...I pick everything apart. "He doesn't kiss me enough. He doesn't show enough affection. He doesn't look at me enough." Yes, those things have gone through my head. And then I stop and think, "I'm getting aggravated and mopey because... he doesn't look at me enough?" That's the DEFINITION of childish and insecure. I keep trying to reason with myself because I don't want him to feel like he's doing something wrong. I don't want to "pick" at him. I don't want to cause an argument. But I wish I could silence the insecurity and the childishness. I wish I wasn't so threatened by the thought of being unlovable, just waiting for the day when he walks out of my life forever. And these insecurities are the very thing that would cause it, that would make me unlovable. It's a downward spiral, and I'm fighting it as hard as I can.

I wish I could love myself enough to let him love me.

Thinspo:

xoxo

I left my heart on the dance floor...

Well apparently I have a knack for screwing things up. My fiance now feels the need to "think about life" because of me. And I've only been living with him for 2 weeks! Wtf? What is wrong with me? Why do I have to be so difficult? Ugh. I hate dealing with drama. Sometimes I just hate dealing with people in general. Which is why I choose to spend the majority of my time alone. I don't feel the slightest need to be around people (especially people my own age), to put on a fake smile and pretend to be interested in what they're saying. And it has absolutely nothing to do with any type of superiority complex. I just get tired of people. And their shit.

I'm so tired of the ups and downs of emotions. I wish I was one of those people who could just shrug off emotions and think rationally about things without effort. People who have themselves in check and under control. I've only known a few people like that in my life, and I've always envied them. I've always watched in awe at how they handle themselves, and their circumstances. Even very tough circumstances. I wish I were as controlled as they.

Anyway, I suppose I just needed to vent a little. I'll post thinspo later little anas. Stay strong <3

"Trust can be fixed like a broken mirror...but you always see the crack in that mother fucker's reflection." Or something like that :)

Well, it's been forever since I posted anything, and that is due to the fact that my life has pretty much completely changed in a matter of weeks. I've moved (thank God, literally), and I'm living with my fiance states away from my family. I miss them though, but I guess that's how it always is. You can't stand them when you live with them, but once you move out you miss them like crazy. I guess it's probably not like that for everyone, but it is for me.

Anyway, my eating has been perfection for the last few weeks. I've been a very good girl, and I'm actually proud of myself. I feel completely in control, and it's the best feeling in the world. My fiance has actually been making it alot easier on me as well. He doesn't buy junk food, he lets me get whatever I want, and he doesn't try to monitor my eating. It bothers him that I don't eat, but he doesn't say much about it.

I hope you'll all let me know how you're doing.

Stay strong little anas <3