Just Thinspo

I need it today.

x

11/26/11

Last night I took 150mg Seroquel, and then slept for nearly 24 hours. I woke up not too long ago and I've purged 4 times already. I think I might go lay back down. Purging always makes me feel tired...I think that's the one thing I hate most about it.

I hope you're all doing well, I'll update more when I'm not sedated :)

x

p.s.- I found this. Just for giggles :P

Warmth.

I want wine and a fire.

Ballet Thinspo...because it's lovely.

My family had Thanksgiving this past Saturday, due to my younger sister not being able to make it on the actual holiday. I excused myself from the table twice to purge and get more food. I spent more of the day in the bathroom than with my family and friends. But at least the food was good.

I saw my therapist today, it had been a while. Stuff kept coming up, but anyway....

We talked about a lot of things. She told me how I shouldn't feel ashamed, but should have compassion toward myself because this isn't something I wake up and choose to do. It's a complicated illness. She explained that most people with eating disorders tend to be intelligent and talented, and we don't like it when we can't figure something out ourselves, so we automatically feel shame. She also gave me her recommendation for treatment, talking about the three different branches of treatment depending on severity. She suggested residential, followed by intensive outpatient. But it's so expensive, and I would have to put my entire life on hold for something I'm ambivalent about anyway. Meh, I don't know.

Uncertain.

I don't know if I'm ready to recover. I think therapy and medical attention will help me either way, so I'm going to continue to go to the Eating Disorder Clinic I've been going to, but overall, I don't know if I'm ready. I continue to purge multiple times a day, I've lost another 2.5 pounds, and I'm continually attracted to ED thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Maybe I just need a little more time to really get there.

I've started keeping a very detailed food journal again like I used to. I've started weighing myself everyday again, and I'm starting some of my more rigid habits again. It helps me control my fear of my unknown future, it helps me have control in general. I need that right now. I have good days and bad days, but I'm afraid they would all be bad days if it weren't for the small bit of control I have now with my ED.

Anyway, I'm thinking about doing one of the more popular diets among our ED community. My throat needs a break from all of the purging. I just hope I can control the urge to binge. I haven't picked one yet, any suggestions?

Stay strong lovelies.

x

Retreat Behind Ribs

That's the name of the documentary link I'm posting below. I watched it last night, along with another shorter video series about pro-ana websites. Both were great, well done, by a lovely someone brave enough to put herself out there for the world to see. If you haven't already seen it, please watch. It's a good reminder to each of us that we're not alone.

Love to you all.

x

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GY8YyI20xEc&feature=channel_video_title

Words in Pictures.

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