Seething.

I absolutely hate, hate, hate lack of control. In any area of my life. It literally pisses me off. Especially when it comes to people. People who take others for granted. People who like to point out every flaw. People who, in your own perception, make it unmistakably clear how they feel about you through their actions, and though their words say differently, it is not love that they feel for you. And the lack of control I'm talking about? It takes its form in letting that person in. Loving them, despite all of the ways they unintentionally hurt you...and the ways are many. It's a depiction of what it really means to love without condition, and that is an undeniably beautiful thing. But at what point does the need for control outweigh love? It shouldn't. It just shouldn't. Yet here I am, angry with myself for loving someone. It's anger and sadness at the state of my condition. It's brokenness.

So So Sorry...

...for the lack of updates. J and I have been trying to find an apartment, arguing, making up, and what not. It's been quite a roller coaster lately. Luckily, despite the craziness of emotions, ups and downs with my eating, the stress of trying to find a new place to live, dealing with the constant nagging of family members, and a sister who is, quite frankly, a bitch, this post will be seemingly non-depressing.

The last two days have been a rather large improvement for the state of my relationship with J. We've avoided fighting, and I've worked my grumpy ass off trying to be overly positive in all situations. It's worked. We're back on track. Let's hope we can stay there.

As far as my restricting goes, it's been an on-and-off kind of month. The days where I don't restrict, I usually purge all day long. It's kind of become second nature. I realized this when I actually noticed myself continuing to watch tv while I was purging one day. I wasn't even thinking about it. It's kind of a strange feeling to realize that something has become completely normal to you that is not normal to most people. But I put it out of my head and move on. I've also become accustomed to covering up the broken blood vessels around my eyes with makeup. I usually don't get those, but then again, I usually don't purge this much.

I also find that I'm addicted to South Park. J and I watch it almost every night while we fall asleep. I love it, not only because it's funny, but it usually gets its point across very well, and I usually agree with that point in some respect. It's really a show about common sense if you think about it...which is something other shows in the same category seem to be lacking. It's no longer pointless gutter "comedy" (although it has its moments), it actually serves a purpose with its voice. That's what I like to see.

Last weekend J and I went to a haunted house. It was actually 3 in 1 attraction, and J loves that kind of stuff, so I decided to go along with it. I hated it. I've never been in a haunted house before. I've never celebrated Halloween before. My family being Christian, we didn't celebrate the holiday because of its distinctively pagan origins, which was fine with me, I still got candy anyway. I never felt like I really missed out on anything, probably because I somewhat agree with my parents' stance on it. Not that celebrating it would make someone a "bad" Christian, but if you're uncomfortable with its origins (which happen to be the exact opposite of your faith), then you shouldn't celebrate it. Anyway, I hated the haunted house, not because of what was in it, but because of the feel of it as a whole. You know you have control issues when it comes into play in a haunted house.

We went through the first one which was okay, but the second one...I started to get kind of...mad. I suddenly realized that I had not only freely subjected myself to, but had actually paid, to put myself in an environment where I had absolutely no control. People dressed in costumes had not only the right to, but were supposed to get in your face, chase after you down dark hallways, follow you around making loud noises in your ear, practically reach out and grab you...and there's nothing you can do about it. You can't run, can't smack them across the face, can't yell at them. All of the normal reactions a person might have, given the situation were real, you can't do. For someone who's never been in that kind of situation before, it's very frustrating, particularly when an "evil" clown is following you around doing high pitched clown laughs directly in your ear. It wasn't amusing, or funny, or scary. It was annoying. I just wanted out. I wanted to punch the clown in the face and laugh really really loud in his ear. I don't think he would have been pleased, and J wouldn't have been either, considering we would have been kicked out. But...I had a choice to go. He was paid to be annoying. So...what can you do? There were other issues I had with it...the glorification of human depravity as a means of amusement, for instance, but I kept that to myself. J doesn't exactly see the same things I see. Maybe I think too much.

I genuinely hope you're all doing well. I hope you get the chance to be happy every now and then.

xoxo