7/31/11

Hello all, sorry it's been a few days. Things have been a bit stressful lately. I had to work some things out with J about getting my stuff out of the house, which was not fun. He got angry, he blamed me for things we weren't even supposed to be talking about, then he apologized, then he said he just wanted to be done with me completely. He was just all over the place. Sometimes he's more emotional than I am. It's exhausting trying to keep up.

I don't see my therapist this week, she's going on vacation. I'm still doing everything she asked me to, but I can't really tell if it's helping or not. I'm trying to get all I can out of it, but maybe it's too soon to tell.

I've lost two pounds, I'm overjoyed. Surprised, but definitely happy. I've tried to cut back on the purging, but then I just don't eat hardly at all. Ah, how wonderful it would be to be normal.

Hope you're all well.

x

Reality.

What does it really mean to purge? Just vomiting up our food for the sake of a single pound? Well, yes, that's definitely part of the equation. But the word equation suggests that there are two equal expressions involved...which is exactly why I used that word. But what is the other side of it? What is the other expression? I think it varies for many, but I can tell you exactly what it means for me.

Purge- verb

1. to rid of whatever is impure or undesirable; cleanse; purify

2. to free from moral or ceremonial defilement

I think those are my two favorite definitions for the word purge, because they are personally significant for me. When I purge, it's getting rid of what I ate in the interest of my weight, yes...but it's much deeper than that. When I vomit, I'm getting out more than just the food. I'm purging negative thoughts. I'm purging bad memories. I'm purging disgust, anger, fear, regret, loss, grief, hopelessness, guilt, my own weakness, the uncleanliness I feel within myself, tears, stress, doubt, uncertainty, the inability to control, the inability to say what I need to, the sadness of having to pretend. In short: pain. Seemingly unspeakable anguish, sadness, loneliness. A pain to which words would do no justice. It can only be felt. And feeling it, is exactly what I'm purging.

Vomiting isn't just about food, it's my outlet. It's my voice. It speaks when I'm silent. It goes where I can't...or more so, where I'm afraid to go. It is the echo of what awaits me on the inside. It has been my friend when others fell short. It has been my confidant when I didn't want to speak. It has heard my cry when no one was listening. It has been there for every tear shed.

Eating disorders are vastly personal. It's not about vanity, it's not about fashion, it's not about cigarettes and diet coke, it's not about our own personal brand of cocaine. Those things have been pushed to the surface level of the pro-ED community. It fascinates us. It's a world in which we have our own culture, we make up our own rules. But those things merely revolve around, and in my opinion, take away from what it's really about: Us, on the inside. The reality of pain, and for whatever reason, our belief that this behavior is the only way to deal with it. And so it becomes us. It defines us. We love it and we hate it.

That's what it's about. That's the reality of this disorder, it's very core. For those of you who truly suffer from an eating disorder, we share a bond that is only known to us.

I know why. I'm walking right next to you.

x

After a rough day...

Yesterday was pretty crappy. I was depressed and sad. I ate, I purged. I woke up today and had lost 2 pounds. I have NO idea how that happened, but I'm not going to lie, it makes me feel really REALLY good. It helps ease a broken heart. It helps give me motivation and plans for the future. I want so badly to be confident and happy with myself, I want to be able to enjoy my life no matter what my circumstances are. I hope I make it there one day.

For now, I continuously get pulled down into the black hole of mia. I feel like I'm being crushed. All I can do is pull my knees to my chest, and breathe deep. The silence is so loud.

I'm wishing the best for all of you.

x

I can't tell...

...if things are getting any better for me or not. I'm trying to not think about anything, and trying to stay around people at all times. When I'm alone, my thoughts consume me. I suppose it might help to get it out of my system.

I wonder...

I wonder why J ignored me from the beginning. I wonder why I was never good enough to keep his attention. I wonder how he could be so cold. I wonder if he knows that I know he's lying. I wonder how much longer he'll go on doing things for selfish reasons. I wonder why it didn't occur to me earlier that J does everything in pursuit of his own desires...never for anyone else, unless it benefits him. I wonder when he'll learn to love people unconditionally. I wonder why, at a time I need him most, he's turning his back on me. He said he wanted to help me get better, he wanted me to be okay. But I realize, he only wanted to make our break-up nice and clean and easy, rather than angry and messy and hurtful. He wanted to be able to move on without feeling bad about it. Even then, it's still all about him. Mainly, I wonder how long it will take me to get over it. I don't want to be any more damaged than I already am.

In other news...I saw my shrink again this week. He gave me Geodon for anxiety and sleep. It's a medicine for bipolar disorder and sometimes used to treat schizophrenia. It pretty much knocked me out, and I'm not going to lie...I liked it. I liked not having to think.

I see my therapist on Saturday. It can't come fast enough. The doctor appointments help keep me busy for the time being. I haven't been going out with people lately...mainly because my sister hasn't been, and a lot of times she's my ride since my family is currently playing an endless game of musical cars. I actually want to go out, but she doesn't. She just wants to sit on the phone all night, which is lovely, if you actually have someone to talk to. I have this male friend, who tries to talk to me every night before bed. He says he loves me, that he always has....truth be told, I can't stand him in that way. He's too whiny. Guys aren't supposed to be whiny. It makes him seem weak and more of a chick than I am. Bleh. Makes my stomach turn just thinking about it. He's so pushy and he asks waaaaay too many questions. I think I'm just going to avoid him for a few days. But I digress...going out makes me feel better. Being around other people and having a good time is good medicine, but my sister is being anti-social.

My Dad apologized to me last night. He said there's no excuse for the way he talked to me, and he's right. I'm glad he could admit it and make it right.

Anxiety rating today: 8. My stomach is turning, my mind won't shut off, and I feel anxious.

I hate this. To all of you belonging to the "pro-ana lifestyle" community, you have NO idea what you're asking for. Why would you want any of this? It's not at all what you have glamorized it to be. It's sick, and dark, and lonely. It's tears, blood, vomit, and anguish. Take my advice....grow up. You want attention? Get it somewhere else.

To all of you who really struggle, you're in my thoughts and prayers.

x

Broken.

Thank you all for your comments, it helps so much to read them and remember that I'm not so alone after all.

Last night was horrible. My Dad went off on me after I purged. He told me I have an "evil spirit", that I'm selfish, that if I die he would curse me every day for the rest of his life, threatened to force me into a treatment facility, and then just said he doesn't want me here anymore if I can't stop immediately. I tried to tell him that eating disorders don't work that way, that you don't just wake up one morning and not do it anymore. He said he knows all about it since he has a counseling degree, and that I should be able to just stop. It's laughable. He knows nothing of it. Later my Mom tried to talk to me. I explained to her that having this disorder is hell, I bawled right in front of her, telling her how I wish every single day that I had a normal relationship with food and my body. I told her about the emotional and mental pain it causes, and how it's not just about food anymore, it has it's roots in other issues. I tried my best to explain it to her, and she was more understanding than my Dad was...but then again, she always is. She's usually the voice of reason in the midst of my Dad's craziness.

I feel so broken. I lost my house, my fiance, my dog, a lot of my belongings, and now my family...when I need them most. I've lost everything. I keep reaching out for help, and no one will help me. J is heartless, cold, and distant toward me, now my family wants me out and I have nowhere to go. I feel like I have no motivation to live. I feel dead already.

The only good news I have is that I lost another pound. It's really my only comfort right now. I'm more dependent on my ED right now than I've ever been. It's my solace. Everyone is pushing me toward it more everyday.

I hope you're all doing much better than I am.

x

You're giving me a breakdown.

I'm having chest pains this morning, so I'm skipping church.

Yesterday was a bad day. I had a dream about J, which ruined the entire day. I tried to forget about it, but it stirred up all of the emotions that I've been running from. I hate that I can't control what I dream about. I had crying spells all day, the worst being after a particularly bad binge and painful purge episode. I broke down and cried on the bathroom floor, I begged for help. I went back upstairs and wanted to cut, but I didn't. I called a friend instead. I still feel some leftover anxiety from yesterday, but I'm trying to control my thoughts and not get carried away with emotion like I did.

Emotions are deceitful, at best.

As of right now, all I want to do is sit in silence and slowly waste away. I want to bear the image on the outside of the pain I feel on the inside. I especially want J to cringe the next time he sees me. I want him to look at me and instantly feel his heart drop. I want him to know how he's made me feel. I want him to feel like the jerk he is for the way he treated me all those months and now acting as if I don't matter at all. I'm not good enough for him to even converse with, I was never good enough. I want him to see the crippling pain on the outside and then I'll ask him, "Am I good enough now?" I want him to see the reflection of his hatefulness in my bones. I hope it crushes him the way he crushed me.

But who am I kidding? I doubt he would even care. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. It's a cruel game he plays.

I wish I could find the others like myself that live where I do. Having a friend close by that I can share everything with would be lovely. No matter how much I get along with other friends, there's still a wall that separates us...a wall of secrets that they wouldn't understand.

Anxiety level today: 8

Please keep me in your thoughts today, and I'll do the same for you.

x

Shrunk.

Anxiety level so far today: 4

Pretty good today I think. I finally met with my psychiatrist for the first time today. Everything went fine, he upped my dosage of Prozac and just talked to me for a bit. While we were discussing the cutting, he mentioned something that made me think a bit. He talked about how there was a tribe of Indians that used to cut themselves, mainly as a way of saying "Look what I did to myself. You think you can hurt me?" He went on to compare that to me. I found it interesting. He wants to see me again next week, which I thought was a bit odd. Usually shrinks give you a prescription and then expect to see you back in a month.

I'm excited for tomorrow. I'm going out for the entire night and having as much fun as possible. I need that right now.

Now I'm off to catch up on all of your blogs, sorry it's been so long.

x

Homework

I had my first therapy session yesterday evening. I actually like my therapist, she seemed lovely. She gave me "homework" to do this week until our next appointment, and the first thing I'm supposed to do is rate my anxiety level for today, with 1 being "I'm fine", and 10 being "I want to jump out of my skin". Today's rating: 9.

I saw J yesterday as well. Everything went fine, but I had to give him my dog. My family didn't want another dog around the house, so he agreed to take her so I could still see her from time to time. I also had to pick up a few things from the house, but my anxiety was through the roof the entire time I was there. I was physically shaking, and couldn't control it. After I got home, I completely broke down. I just have a hard time accepting that after all we've been through, he acts like I never existed. But maybe I never did. That's what it always felt like anyway.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I just want to hide away.

x

7/10/11

I went to a birthday party tonight. It was nice to hang out with people and not think about J for a while.

My throat has been in bad shape all day. It feels like I'm being chocked constantly. It's like my throat is refusing to swallow, and every time I try, it's incredibly painful. I assume it's from all the purging. Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow.

Emotionally, I'm a bit more stable than I have been, but I'm still sad. There's still an ache, a constant pain that won't go away. I hope I can get past all of this quickly and painlessly. I've been hurt enough as it is.

Love you guys

x

Laxies

Yesterday was a purge-fest. My body was so exhausted, so I took some laxatives. I woke up this morning weighing half a pound less than yesterday, so it was worth it. It made my morning. I needed something good after J called me. He asked me for money. I just sat there in silence, listening to him. When he was done talking, all I said was "Is that the only reason you called?". He started mumbling about how he also wanted to know how I was doing, blah blah blah. I just sat there in silence. Finally he said "I'll just call you back later". He hasn't yet, and I doubt he will. He doesn't care how I'm doing, he just needs my help. He's already let me know how much happier he is without me, so I know he doesn't give a shit about me. I'm not giving him money. Period.

I haven't purged today yet, but I haven't had much to eat. I figured I would try restricting today, but I know it probably won't happen. Maybe once my anxiety and depression levels are more under control, then I'll be able to go back to restricting instead of the constant binging and purging. It's really rough on my body, so I'd like to go back and forth a bit...give my throat a break.

I'm trying to keep my mind completely focused on food and weight so I don't have to think about J. I want to be happy with the way I look and be confident. Then I can just say "Fuck you" to J and move on, knowing I'm somewhat happy with myself. I know I'll never be completely happy...that's the problem with this disorder...but I can at least be happier than I am right now.

I hope you're all well.

x

7/5/2011

Lately I've been up and down emotionally and mentally. One minute, I'll be out with my sister and friends and be perfectly fine, enjoying myself....but when I'm alone, I feel like life just isn't worth this pain. I'm struggling through it all, trying to figure things out. I just don't know what to do anymore. J hasn't been talking to me at all, other than to tell me how well he's doing. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that a person I love so much is happier without me.

I'm still binging and purging. I haven't cut myself lately, which is good I suppose. My hair is falling out...my sister mentioned it when she was fixing my hair the other day. I've started taking vitamins, which will hopefully help with that. If you guys have any other good suggestions, please let me know. Physically, I'm doing okay, although I know my body is getting weaker day by day. I can just feel it. Sometimes I get bad migraines, but they don't last for more than a minute or two.

I'm going to start looking for new work soon. In the next month or so. I hope I feel better by then. I have my psychiatrist appointment on the 14th and my therapist on the 11th. I'm nervous about it...I really hope it helps.

Let me know how you're all doing.

x