Dear K...

Dear K,

Who are you? You've lied about a multitude of things. From the very beginning. You never were who you claimed to be. You probably never will be. You don't even know who you are. You wear so many different masks. You're trying desperately to find one that fits. You feel ashamed that none of them do.

You mask your wickedness with moralism. You have a knowledge of the truth, but refuse to embrace its power. You continue to walk in deceit, trading wisdom for attention. But know, everything you do in the dark, will eventually come to light.

You mask your insecurities with accusations of others. Instead of trust, and dealing with your feelings head-on, you create chaos around you. You're conviction is that no one could ever want you, you're so "sure" of it that you become paranoid. You question the motives of everyone you meet, and eventually drive them away. So, in a sense, you're right. People don't want you, because of your own doing.

You mask your hatefulness with self-pity. You lie, then cry over being lied to. You mistreat others, then wallow when you're labeled a bitch.

But worst of all, you mask your sorrow with an outpouring of wickedness, insecurity, and hatefulness. The truth is, you're a scared girl. Scared of being rejected, scared of not being good enough, scared of loving and losing, scared of yourself.

You're so lost.

You don't know who you are. You don't know who you want to be. You're afraid of being taken advantage of. You're afraid of appearing weak. You're afraid of being alone. You're afraid of pain. You're afraid of losing control.

But your fears have created a storm. A violent one. One that threatens your very existence. Your fear would love nothing more than to drag you to the depths and watch you suffocate on all of your "what-ifs", as you try to grasp for the control you so desperately seek. I know you think that control is your lifeline, that once you have a hold of it, it will pull you to safety. But it won't. It's a current that has control over you. And it's dragging you down faster than every breath you take. It will kill you...it will take your life. It will take your relationships from you, it will take your friendships, it will take your ability to be a stable worker, it will take your ability to think rationally, it will take your ability to function normally. It will take all you have, and all you hold dear. It will not save you. It will be your demise.

I know you're scared. I know you've done things you regret. I know you portray something different than what you feel. I know that people no longer trust you. They have caught you behind your masks, and there is an opinion formed of you from that. But I also know what you truly feel. I know the struggles you face. I know how you view yourself, and what your desires really are. You don't want to be the monster you have become. You don't want to be an adversary, a chaotic beacon who wreaks havoc. You don't want to lie anymore. You don't want to be weak. You don't want to sacrifice truth on an altar of worldly things.

You want to bring joy to people's lives. You want to smile, and mean it. You want to see others uplifted and loved. You want to be gentle, compassionate, and kind. You want to think of others before yourself. You want to live a life of service and sacrifice to others. And you know why.

I'll be honest, it's not realistic to think this can be achieved on your own. You are wicked. You are insecure. You are flawed and broken. It is not in you to fix this. You know the truth. There is a living hope.

Don't let your brokenness and sorrow lead you to despair. Let it be a catalyst into newness. For the first time, come alive. Breathe, see, touch, allow yourself to be affected. No more lies, no more anger, no more self-pity, no more paranoia.

Let go of everything holding you back. Let go of the control. Rise to the surface and take a breath. You don't need to fight anymore. Just let it go.

A letter to myself.

"The heart is deceitful above all things

and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9

Goodbye Christmas

Sorry for the lack of updates, things have been up and down, all over the place.

Christmas is over. I'm not really sad because it didn't really seem like Christmas. I tried to enjoy it, but with all the arguing, and not getting out, and being constantly lonely...it didn't really work out the way I wanted.

I don't really have much to update about. Still purging. I'm going to try to restrict this next week.

Oh, and I seriously considered killing myself. About two weeks ago. I had it all planned, wrote notes and everything, but in the end I realized just how permanent it would be, and despite what others may think, Hell is far worse than any earthly pain. And quite frankly, suicide is probably the most selfish thing a person could do. They may not see it that way through their pain, but that's exactly what it is. Selfish. Granted, I don't have that many people in my life who love me or care...but one is enough.

Needless to say, things haven't really improved. I hate my brain. I'm broken. It can't be fixed. I'm going to go lay down now, I'll write more later. Alone, once more...even with J laying right next to me.

I love you all.

xoxo

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." -Matthew 11:28

12/15/10

I've been purging non-stop for the last few days. I feel good and I feel bad. I feel good because I can get all of the food out and purging has started to give me a euphoria-like feeling. I feel bad physically from all of it, and of course, it's messing with my head...as usual. You all know this is nothing new, we all go through it.

J and I are better. I'm trying to just let go of things and be happy. I think he's doing the same. I hope I can make a permanent change that lasts. I don't know what I would do if I lost him.

I hope you're all well. I'll update more later.

xoxo

8:34 am

So, thanks to someone's advice (thanks JJ!), I talked to J about everything. I think we both got a better understanding of how the other one feels. I just hope all the talking actually turns into action. I hope we don't fall back into the same place we've been recently.

After we finished talking about all of the issues we've been having, he started talking about my work. Right now I'm in the process of working out some demo recordings of songs that I've written to sell. J wants me to do that full time. I'm working with another songwriter that's been in the business for years, he's kind of "mentoring" me. He has full time contracts where he's agreed to write so many songs, and gets paid for them no matter what. It's actually a good income while still having the ability to have your songs used for different artists. I might end up doing something like that, rather than just shopping my songs around all the time. At least at first. It's kind of exciting and scary at the same time. I've been playing piano and writing since I was young, I've performed original songs before audiences, but I've never really entered into the "business" side of the music realm. But I'm not going to pass up the opportunities I have, I'd regret it for the rest of my life if I did.

Yesterday I restricted instead of binging and purging. I was proud of myself. I just needed to give my body a break. My heart was hurting all day, but it wasn't that bad, just little stings here and there. I'll probably end up having to go to the doctor, just to make sure things haven't become worse health-wise. I feel okay today emotionally and mentally, its the first time I have in a while. I'm watching Christmas shows, still trying to wake up while writing this. This weekend we're getting our Christmas tree, which makes me happy...I'm looking forward to the weekend decorating the house and relaxing after our move from last weekend.

I hope you're all well. Honestly, reading your blogs, I can say some of you are the sweetest girls I've ever had the privilege of knowing, even though I only "know" you by your blogs. This community has a lot of haters, but it's one of the most supportive and understanding communities there are.

xoxo

Shame.

Binged and purged again all day. When J came home, he started looking for something to eat, and started questioning me about where all the food had gone. I started to cry and locked myself in the bedroom for three hours. When I finally came out, he asked me if I had puked. I said no. After that, he didn't talk to me anymore. I'm sure he knows what happened. I'm also quite sure he doesn't care.

I feel completely alone. Exiled. Ashamed. He could find a million girls who are better than me, skinnier than me, prettier than me, happier with themselves than me. And who knows, maybe he will. He certainly doesn't give a shit about me anymore. He didn't care that I spent three hours alone and crying, hanging my head in shame, feeling unloved and unwanted. And the harsh truth is that's exactly what I am...unloved and unwanted. I have no one. No one. They've all gone. They all have their own lives. The one person who promised to love me and take care of me has abandoned me for his own selfish motivations. He has rejected me daily for months, made me feel like the smallest person on earth. I'm angry, and yet, all I want is for him to love me. I'm unlovable.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to respond. I don't know how to get anyone's attention, to tell them what I need. Would they even care enough to give it to me? Or would they think I'm just some sort of attention whore? I don't know how to keep myself together. I just want this day to be over.

I'm sorry that I have nothing happy or uplifting to write about lately. I wish I could fake it like other people do. I wish I could lie and convince myself that everything's fine, and go on living it. I hope you all can forgive me.

xoxo

New.

J and I got a new place. It's a nice house. I've been busy unpacking for the last three days. I probably won't be completely finished until next week, but that's alright, it gives me something to keep myself occupied.

Today was rough, as far as eating goes. Well, it was rough all around actually. Things with J haven't improved much. He doesn't really notice me at all, unless he's asking me to do something. He doesn't really touch me at all. He doesn't really look at me at all. Last night I wondered if he even remembered what my face looks like...I mean, all the details of it, the color of my eyes, the shape of my nose, the outline of my lips. And then I realized, probably not. And he probably doesn't care. That made me cry. I broke down. I want so badly for him to hold me, and kiss me, and tell me everything will be alright. But he doesn't. The break down from last night continued to manifest itself throughout the day today (as if sobbing last night wasn't enough). I binged and purged. Five times. In about two hours time. I finally calmed myself and stopped eating everything in sight. It was a pretty rough experience overall though. My eyes are puffy, they have broken blood vessels all around them, they burn, my throat is unbelievably sore, my head is pounding, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be in extreme pain in the middle of the night because of the medical problems I now have...all because of purging. Sigh. I do it to myself. I have no one to blame but myself. Not that I would want to blame anyone else...in a way, it'a all a part of my identity. I love it, and hate it. It defines me, its something personal to me, yet I feel ashamed of it, I hide it.

I don't know what my weight is, and its driving me crazy. J doesn't want me to have a scale. We had one before we moved back with my family, but he got rid of it. I really need one. I hate not knowing. I hate not being able to monitor it day by day.

I hope you're all well. You're in my thoughts.

xoxo

The day after...and some hope.

Thanksgiving went well...somewhat. J and I got along for the majority of the day, until around 7 pm last night. He got really mad at me over something so trivial, something I hadn't intended to turn into an argument. I was devastated. I locked myself in the bathroom, away from everyone, and just cried for a while. I didn't want anyone to see or hear me, I just wanted to feel what I was feeling, let it out, and move on. When I returned, J sat next to me on his laptop, ignoring me...but then something happened. He stopped, and looked at me for a second. Not just a glance, he really looked at me. He looked at my eyes. And then everything changed.

He moved past it. He just...let it go. He was kind to me, and somewhat compassionate. I think maybe, just maybe, he saw it all in my eyes. The hurt, the sadness, the grief, the exhaustion. And I think maybe he thought about what I was feeling, if even for a second.

Things are okay for now. We're not fighting...but he's not exactly loving either. But hopefully what he saw in my eyes last night will stay with him for a while. Maybe he can get a glimpse of what I feel, and it might change how he feels. I hope.

I successfully avoided eating everything in sight, thankfully. I enjoyed the company of my family and caught up with a childhood friend. I love that my grandparents already have their Christmas decorations out. It reminds me of being a kid, mesmerized by colorful lights, watching little plastic people skating on mirror ice, and anticipating my favorite Christmas cartoons that will undoubtedly appear on tv. It's a nice feeling in the midst of this unpredictable, unstable heartache.

I wanted to purge, but there was no way that was happening in a house full of people. I think it would have made me feel better, it usually does now days, but I'm glad I didn't. This morning I woke up in horrible pain from the medical problems I'm having, all because of purging, and I know it would have been so much more painful if I had actually purged yesterday. I popped one of the pills I was given to help ease the pain, so it's bearable for now. Still, the desire to purge is there.

J and I are staying with my family until Sunday, which is a good thing I think, having a break from the rest of the world. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, I'll be thinking of you.

xoxo

Thanksgiving.

As everyone knows, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. J and I are leaving tonight when he gets home from work to go 5 hours away to be with my family for the holiday. I'm praying that this trip goes well. I don't know though, with all of my family around (and there are quite a few of us), it might be just another excuse for him to ignore me the entire time, and I would end up feeling like I should have just spent Thanksgiving alone anyway.

I feel tired and alone. I feel like giving up. I feel like he already has.

As for Thanksgiving dinner...my family goes all out. They fix tons of food. Bleh. Actually, it usually isn't that bad for me. I see alot of family that I haven't seen in forever, and I get nervous eating around them, so I usually don't. I feel like everyone is watching what I eat constantly and they always have to make comments about it, whether it be too much, or too little. But I'm looking forward to seeing them all nonetheless.

I'm weary, and emotionally hung over. I hope you all survive your Thanksgiving meal with no guilt, no matter how much you eat. And I hope you all have a wonderful holiday. Much better than mine.

xoxo

Quiet.

First of all, thank you for your comments. It really does help to know that others can relate to the way I feel.

Currently, my fiance is still here. I don't know why, but he is. Things aren't any easier between us, but at least he hasn't left yet. We decided to go out of town to spend Thanksgiving with my family. I was shocked that he agreed to go. I thought he would go visit his family and make me spend the holiday alone. I just hope he keeps his word...

I feel emotionally drained. I just feel like being quiet. Mainly because lately everything I say or do is wrong and just makes him angry. If I just stay quiet, keep my thoughts in my head and not out of my mouth, maybe things will get better. Maybe.

I feel like I'm at the point where, after so long of being completely hated and torn down and hurt so badly by someone I'm so in love with, all I can do is just stop. Just...stop. Stop everything. Stop feeling. Stop talking. Stop thinking. Just exist. Not agitate, not provoke, not analyze, not argue, not cry, not try to reason.... just exist. That's where I'm at. It's all I have right now.

The truth is, I'm so torn up over the way this relationship has gone. Too torn up. I can't deal with it. Not right now. The heartache I expressed in my last post is still very much there. I don't know what to do with it. I wish I could give some inspirational line about how hurting only makes me better, only pushes me to be better...but it doesn't. It just hurts. More than I know how to handle. So for now, I'll just be quiet, and just exist.

It's just so dark here. And lonely.

Disappear.

Everything is falling apart. My fiance isn't sure he loves me anymore, I've spent the last two days in solitude because he's decided to "shun" me. He's mad at me because of an argument we had, and now everything is shit between us. I apologized, I've tried to give him space, but it's not enough. He's so angry. He hates me. Literally.

I don't know what to do. I've been crying off and on for two days. I feel sick. I just want someone to hear me, to hold me. To tell me everything will be alright, and mean it. I have nothing left. Only pure emotion I can't contain. And there's nothing I can do, except cry, and scream, and pray.

I don't want anyone else. I never will. Even if it ends, I never will. I just want to die. I wouldn't have to feel any of this anymore. I can't sleep, I can't think. I'm just alone. Alone. For two days straight. He doesn't care anymore. I can't breathe. And he doesn't want me anymore.

Please hear me. Please. I'm begging you. Please forgive me. Please let it go. Please allow your heart to soften toward me. Please don't leave. You're all I have. You're all that matters to me. I'll never be the same without you. Please. I need you. I wish you could feel what I feel. I wish you cared enough to try. I love you.

I don't know why I bother to cry. I don't exist anymore. No one is left. They've all gone away. The only person I have is halfway out the door. I'm not worth staying for.

Please don't break me.

And so it begins...

The downward spiral of failing health. The last 3 days have been a nightmare. The pain in my heart and stomach has been nearly unbearable. My mother is an RN, and when I told her my symptoms and what was going on after the first night of being up for hours throughout the night, she confronted me about my recent streak of purging. I've been doing it...alot. Even when I restrict. I've just gotten into the habit of doing it. Or was. I stopped a couple of weeks ago and got back to just restricting. Unfortunately, it has taken its toll. My mom went through this long list of possible problems that might be causing my pain...all of them serious...all of them due to purging and restricting. She went on to tell me the probable permanent effects this will have on my health. I very well may be dealing with excruciating pain on and off for the rest of my life. It has been a nightmare, and one that isn't going away. The second day, I couldn't even get out of bed. All day. Luckily, my mom has given me some medicine to help with the pain for now. I might get roped into going to the doctor. If that happens, I'll get a lecture-and-a-half about how horrible that behavior is, and how I might ought to consider seeing someone about it (which my mother has already suggested), etc... /facepalm

I'm trying not to think about it all really. That way I don't have to worry about it. But that doesn't make it go away.

Being thin...is it really worth its weight in "gold"? This is exactly why no person with a real eating disorder would EVER try to "teach" others how to do it. Not that you could anyway. It goes far deeper than just not eating for a while.

xoxo

Moving...again.

J and I will be moving again in a couple of weeks. Joy. I have moved 20 times in my lifetime. 20 times in 22 years. I think it's safe to say, I'm just a little bit sick of moving. Ahem.

I'm starting to let go of some of my control issues. I really had to, I didn't have a choice. It was either that, or lose J. I love him more than anything, I don't want to ruin everything because I'm insecure. So I've just stopped allowing myself to indulge in destructive thinking. Suspicion, paranoia, anxiety....all of it had to stop. Not only for J's happiness, but for my sanity.

I've been doing well in restricting because we have no food in the house, and quite frankly, I like it that way. I've lost another two pounds after going up and down five pounds in the last few months. If I could just lose a few more pounds I know that I'd be happier. I know everyone says that, and yet it never happens...but I have to believe that it's true. If not, then it makes everything I've done worthless.

J drinks every night when he gets home from work. It's either because I've driven him that crazy, or he's just always done that. And he has. Since the beginning of our relationship, he's always usually had a drink or two at the end of the day. He never gets "drunk", and he usually doesn't drink on the weekends...but still, I don't know what to make of it. I guess as long as he doesn't become an alcoholic, then I should just leave it alone. When things get better and he actually wants to spend time with me again, things will change. They always do.

I hope you're all far better off than I am. I really do.

xoxo

Seething.

I absolutely hate, hate, hate lack of control. In any area of my life. It literally pisses me off. Especially when it comes to people. People who take others for granted. People who like to point out every flaw. People who, in your own perception, make it unmistakably clear how they feel about you through their actions, and though their words say differently, it is not love that they feel for you. And the lack of control I'm talking about? It takes its form in letting that person in. Loving them, despite all of the ways they unintentionally hurt you...and the ways are many. It's a depiction of what it really means to love without condition, and that is an undeniably beautiful thing. But at what point does the need for control outweigh love? It shouldn't. It just shouldn't. Yet here I am, angry with myself for loving someone. It's anger and sadness at the state of my condition. It's brokenness.

So So Sorry...

...for the lack of updates. J and I have been trying to find an apartment, arguing, making up, and what not. It's been quite a roller coaster lately. Luckily, despite the craziness of emotions, ups and downs with my eating, the stress of trying to find a new place to live, dealing with the constant nagging of family members, and a sister who is, quite frankly, a bitch, this post will be seemingly non-depressing.

The last two days have been a rather large improvement for the state of my relationship with J. We've avoided fighting, and I've worked my grumpy ass off trying to be overly positive in all situations. It's worked. We're back on track. Let's hope we can stay there.

As far as my restricting goes, it's been an on-and-off kind of month. The days where I don't restrict, I usually purge all day long. It's kind of become second nature. I realized this when I actually noticed myself continuing to watch tv while I was purging one day. I wasn't even thinking about it. It's kind of a strange feeling to realize that something has become completely normal to you that is not normal to most people. But I put it out of my head and move on. I've also become accustomed to covering up the broken blood vessels around my eyes with makeup. I usually don't get those, but then again, I usually don't purge this much.

I also find that I'm addicted to South Park. J and I watch it almost every night while we fall asleep. I love it, not only because it's funny, but it usually gets its point across very well, and I usually agree with that point in some respect. It's really a show about common sense if you think about it...which is something other shows in the same category seem to be lacking. It's no longer pointless gutter "comedy" (although it has its moments), it actually serves a purpose with its voice. That's what I like to see.

Last weekend J and I went to a haunted house. It was actually 3 in 1 attraction, and J loves that kind of stuff, so I decided to go along with it. I hated it. I've never been in a haunted house before. I've never celebrated Halloween before. My family being Christian, we didn't celebrate the holiday because of its distinctively pagan origins, which was fine with me, I still got candy anyway. I never felt like I really missed out on anything, probably because I somewhat agree with my parents' stance on it. Not that celebrating it would make someone a "bad" Christian, but if you're uncomfortable with its origins (which happen to be the exact opposite of your faith), then you shouldn't celebrate it. Anyway, I hated the haunted house, not because of what was in it, but because of the feel of it as a whole. You know you have control issues when it comes into play in a haunted house.

We went through the first one which was okay, but the second one...I started to get kind of...mad. I suddenly realized that I had not only freely subjected myself to, but had actually paid, to put myself in an environment where I had absolutely no control. People dressed in costumes had not only the right to, but were supposed to get in your face, chase after you down dark hallways, follow you around making loud noises in your ear, practically reach out and grab you...and there's nothing you can do about it. You can't run, can't smack them across the face, can't yell at them. All of the normal reactions a person might have, given the situation were real, you can't do. For someone who's never been in that kind of situation before, it's very frustrating, particularly when an "evil" clown is following you around doing high pitched clown laughs directly in your ear. It wasn't amusing, or funny, or scary. It was annoying. I just wanted out. I wanted to punch the clown in the face and laugh really really loud in his ear. I don't think he would have been pleased, and J wouldn't have been either, considering we would have been kicked out. But...I had a choice to go. He was paid to be annoying. So...what can you do? There were other issues I had with it...the glorification of human depravity as a means of amusement, for instance, but I kept that to myself. J doesn't exactly see the same things I see. Maybe I think too much.

I genuinely hope you're all doing well. I hope you get the chance to be happy every now and then.

xoxo

Hello, again.

I know it's been such a long time, my apologies for that.

Well, updates on things: J and I are looking for an apartment. We were supposed to have our own place a while ago, but that fell through. Haven't been doing much, or going out much, which actually really sucks. For some reason I'm always in the mood to go out and just be away from the house constantly. Other than that, things are pretty normal...well, from the outside. My emotions have been running crazy. And I mean literally crazy. I'm on this kick where I always have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach about J cheating on me. Yet, he lets me look through his phone, his e-mail, his FB, anything I want, and doesn't care at all, unless he thinks I'm accusing him of something. If he thinks that, then he gets upset, and rightly so, because he's not cheating on me. He's just not that guy. So why do I keep trying to catch him being that guy? I obsess over it. Literally. I'll sit for hours and think of every possible scenario of how he could be doing things behind my back, to the point of having a headache and an emotional breakdown. It's like somehow, if I obsess over it, it won't happen. Or I won't be blind to it happening. But all I'm doing is pushing him away and frustrating him. No matter how much I try to stop my thoughts, I can't. I can't just be happy and trust him. I didn't used to be like this. Why couldn't I just be that obsessed with not eating? Then I'd never eat. Ever. It's a compulsion, and I don't know how to control it. I feel desperately exhausted and worried.

I'm still restricting of course. I keep telling myself eventually I'll be happy with myself, and then I won't worry about J cheating because I'll feel confident. I just don't know when that will happen.

I hope you're all doing better than I am.

xoxo

Updates...

Coming soon. Sorry I've been gone for so long.

xoxo

"I wish you were handicapped...

...so we could get better parking." Isn't my sister lovely? She's certainly a piece of work.

I'm sorry I've been away for so long. After moving, starting a new job, and getting settled, things are finally starting to calm down. I haven't been restricting, instead I've been eating and eating, and vomiting until I dry heave. My throat is sore, my eyes are puffy, but I'm okay for the most part. I've gotten used to throwing up. I used to not be able to stand throwing up. It used to be painful and hard. Now it's become second nature. I've cut twice since I moved back home.

J is incredibly happy here, but me, not so much. I abandoned this place for hope of freedom, and yet, here I am. Everyone in my family thinks it's funny to make jokes about my need for control over my own life. That's fine. Keep laughing. Keep tearing at me.

Of course, if I were to say that to them, they would laugh and call me crazy. They don't understand the fact that the things they say affect me quite differently than what they may intend. And I'm the one who needs to change...I'm the one who needs to "lighten up" instead of them being more sensitive to the way my mind works and the issues I have. I'll just keep my mouth shut. There's nothing else I can do. I'm tired of being looked at like a freak. I am who I am. Just because my mind processes things differently doesn't mean that I'm wrong. The situation calls for sensitivity and conversation on both sides, but all I ever hear is "You're wrong. That's NOT the way things are." Bullshit. That IS the way things are if it's real to me. And if it's not, then convince me. HELP ME believe it. Otherwise, just leave me alone.

I'm not working this week, so I'm stuck at home with food all day. I eat, and throw up. Eat, throw up. I'm tired and drained, but I keep a smile on my face, I keep going. "I can get through this day," I tell myself, only to realize that tomorrow will be exactly the same.

I'm trying to be happy, I really am, but I don't know how. Keep faking it, maybe one day it will become reality.

I wish I were free.

Moving.

J and I are moving back to where my family lives.

Shoot me now.

I'll update later.

xoxo

What's wrong with me?

The disease of self runs through my blood, it's a cancer fatal to my soul. Every attempt on my behalf has failed to bring this sickness under control. What's going on inside me? I despise my own behavior...

Honesty becomes me, telling secrets that did run me. Pride has no position, the fame that once did cover me, has been sentenced to this Earth.

All I want is to be in the light.

I realize...

...I'm just a body. I need life.

Please God,

kill me.

Sex and Sinking

Sex. It's great, as we all know. But, do you ever really get any fulfillment out of it? Last night was amazing. My fiance is amazing. Best. Sex. Ever. I love his constant and careful attention. He gives me exactly what I want. He always wants to look at my face and tell me he loves me. He gets off when I get off. The way he kisses me, the sounds he makes...it's exactly as I want it, and exactly as he wants it. And yet, afterwards, there's always this empty feeling that creeps in. I suddenly feel distant. And although he just spent a great deal of time making my wants and needs the center of his attention, I suddenly feel as though he cares nothing for me. He really doesn't like me..or love me at all. It's so hard to deal with. And I know he has no idea how to deal with it either. But all of this led me to think about a few things. Is he the problem? Does he make me feel this way? Or am I the problem? This led to a decision:

I've decided that I'm going to try to be normal. Now, I'm fully aware that my ED is something that will never be normal, and it's not something I chose. But, as for the rest of my life...I can at least try. My mind thinks its own crazy thoughts, but there's got to be some way to fight it. And I've decided that my family, my friends, and J, are worth fighting for.

I can't continue to live this way, pushing everyone away. Wallowing in self-pity. I've got get out of this...or I'll die here. Exactly the way I feel, alone. I refuse. It won't end that way. Not as long as I have a say in it. I've been thinking about how selfish I've been. Even though the depression and psychological issues aren't something I can completely control, I can control how I react to them. It will be hard, especially when most days I feel like I'm sinking, and no one is there to pull me up, but I've got to try. I have to pull myself up. I am so blessed to have parents that love each other, and love me, and constantly tell me they're proud of who I am, no matter what. I have friends who pray for me constantly, who listen to me even if they don't understand, and who would drop everything for me if I needed them. And I have a fiance who tries harder than I give him credit for, who loves me despite my insanity, who has exhausted himself trying to make me happy...who I've pushed away. I'm not alone. I've just isolated myself. And I have no one else to blame. So I will try to salvage and hopefully mend the rips and tears in my relationships, stop feeling sorry for myself, and live my life.

I just know the trust issues are going to be the worst part of it though. They always fuck with my head. *Sigh*

I hope you're all doing well. I'll post thinspo later.

xoxo

The Same, but Different

So, as you can read from the previous post, yesterday was my birthday. And though I had attempted to have a good day...it just didn't happen. I have never felt so completely and utterly alone and worthless. I feel nothing but anxiety. It's suffocating me. I feel as though the world would be a much better place if I went somewhere far, far away and just lived alone for the rest of my life.

I don't mean to sound emo. I am completely sincere. No self-pity, no crying...just fact.

To those of you who share in this same painful disease, this self-inflicted torture we live in day to day, just know you're not alone. I'm right there with you. We are the same, friend.

I thought I would post something a little different for thinspo today:

I truly wish for all of you what I haven't been able to find- solace. And sleep.

xoxo

22

Today is my 22nd Birthday.

No cake for me :)

I'll post thinspo a little later.

xoxo

Good Morning Lovelies

I've been awake all night. Today will be a good day, because I have already decided that it WILL be. No matter what. I need a good day.

And by the way, when I say you're all lovely, I truly mean it.

<3

xoxo

Normal

Well, for the past couple of days things have slowly been getting better, but only when I force myself not to think about things. And it's so hard. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do- actually control my thoughts. It's a constant fight, and it's hard to find any peace in the midst of it. But then again, it's really not about me. I'm not the reason I'm fighting it so hard, I'm doing it for J. For his well-being and sanity. I just want him to be happy more than anything. I want him to enjoy being with me, instead of constantly being bombarded with my problems.

I wish I could just be normal.

Thinspo for you:

xoxo

Zero

I've been cutting myself. I tore my arm to pieces last night. It hurts like hell. I don't know why I do it. I have no explanation, and no excuse.

I've stopped eating completely. I've stopped sleeping as well. I'm dehydrated because I don't drink enough. Maybe I'm trying to make myself sick. Or maybe I just really don't care anymore. I don't know. Maybe I'm just bipolar and tomorrow I'll feel completely different.

All I know is that my mind keeps me running in circles constantly, and it's relentless and exhausting. I need a break from my head. Unfortunately, I can't just take a vacation from it...unless I get drunk or something, and I don't like to do that because of the calories in the drinks. I guess I could just not eat, since I'm doing that anyway, and save my calories for alcohol. I just need a break. Just for one night. I need to not think about anything.

Thinspo: Gaga<3

xoxo

So...

Sorry I've been gone for a while, I've had a few things I had to deal with.

I feel pretty good lately. I feel dizzy and lightweight. It's like a constant drunk feeling. I love being hungry. It's seriously like my best friend right now. It makes me feel calm when I'm anxious, it makes me feel controlled when everything in my life is falling apart. It's the smallest bit of solace I have. Sometimes it feels like hunger is all I have.

My personal life seems to be going nowhere. J and I have had a rough couple of weeks. Alot of arguments, alot of stress, and alot of distance between us. I'm trying though...and I hope he is too.

I hope you're all well.

xoxo

So happy I could Die

Summer is getting closer. And I love it. Yesterday was hot, but breezy. I spent the whole day out with J, and it was great. I love the way the air smells when it starts to get warmer, the smell of life is starting to return. I'm not much for the beach or anything like that, but I love being outdoors. I'm ready for it, it's been cold and dreary here for so long. Plus I'm tired of slipping and falling on my ass every time I walk out the door because of ice.

So for some reason I've been craving oranges like a crazy person. We bought some yesterday, and it's all I can do to keep from devouring all of them. It's strange, but oranges are pretty much all I've been eating. I'll eat 2 or 3 medium sized oranges (around 80 cals an orange, but I count them as 100) a day usually. I don't feel so bad about it though, I read somewhere that oranges help prevent cancer. Other than that, I've been quite successful at keeping food off of my mind.

I figured today I'd post some of the original "pro-ana" thinspo from way back in the day :P

Enjoy:

xoxo

Back

So J and I just got home from a 9 hour trip to my grandparents' house. We were supposed to go to my parents' house, but the day before we left, I found out that my grandfather died. So we ended up seeing my parents in a different city for the funeral. It was really nice, and good to see a lot of family I hadn't seen in a long time. It was sad though, I'm really going to miss my grandfather. He was so sweet.

I hope all of you are doing well.

xoxo

Red wine & ambien, You're talking shit again...

So J left for his job training today. I miss him, but I keep reminding myself that he'll be back Wednesday evening.

We leave for my parents' house Thursday morning, and while I was never thrilled about it, I've officially lost any optimism I may have had about it. My mom and I talked today, and she made me feel guilty for leaving home when I did, and because of J's work schedule we'll only be able to visit them for 3 days. I love my mom, I love my entire family, but sometimes I wish they would just mind their own business. I have to live my life. I can listen to their advice, but in the end, the choice is mine to make. I know they mean well, and they think they're helping me, but all they've done is make me feel overwhelmed and upset. I feel so pressured from every side. I feel like I've been thrust into the world, unprepared, with a million different voices shouting at me to do a million different things. Seems like somehow, I'm supposed to be able to navigate the murky waters of decision and consequence correctly, and yet, they all tell me that all I have for a paddle is apathy. How ironic.

I'm sure most of you know exactly what I'm talking about. It all seems to be commonplace among "our kind". I hope all of you have a little more direction and a little more luck than I.

Then again, it could be a lot worse.

Thinspo update later.

xoxo

3/20/2010

So I think I'm doing a little bit better emotionally. But then again, considering that I always feel hungry AND I'm female...I doubt it will last.

I'm getting ready to go have coffee with J, and I'm really hoping that today will be good. We both need a good day. He's leaving tomorrow afternoon to go to job training for two days. I can't go with him. After that, he's coming back to get me and we're driving 8 hours to visit my family for three days. Joy. I love my family, but I know the whole time I'll be pressured to eat. It's bad enough getting it from J, but my family loves to make a fuss over it. I hope it goes better than I expect it to.

Thinspo for you:

xoxo

J'ai Faim

I'm pretty sure I drank my weight in alcohol last night. It was fun at first...until I started noticing that I was feeling more emotional than usual. Like everything I've been feeling for the last few days was amplified by 2934u9052435234720...if that makes any sense.

I'm lonely and depressed, and I feel completely unwanted and unloved. My head knows that it's ridiculous to feel this way, especially with a fiance as wonderful as mine, but it just won't go away. I've tried to ignore it, I've even tried talking to J about it. It just makes him irritable. He feels like I'm just making a huge list of everything he's doing wrong. And maybe I am. I don't know anymore. He's the best thing to ever happen to me and I don't want to screw it up by acting on emotions that are unreasonable. But I don't know how to deal with them. I feel like he's not attracted to me at all, and he can tell me its not true all he wants, but it still feels that way, and I can't get rid of those feelings.

It's driving me insane. I can't sleep. I just lie there dwelling on those feelings and trying not to cry. What am I supposed to do? I keep thinking "If I lose more weight, things will get better." And I truly believe that, but I know it won't fix everything. I'm at a loss. I feel desperate. I don't know what to do to reconcile this. I'm trying to be rational, I really am. I guess I'll just have to fake utter happiness until it really comes. I don't want to cause problems in my relationship over insecurity that has no bearing on reality. I wish I could wish them all away. And I wish I had 3 wishes to do it.

"I got pretty bored waiting, so I started going over the lines in my head for this French play I'm in at school. I play a rabbit called Janot Lapin, who's the leader of a group of farm animals. It's not the most interesting play in the universe, but we only know three verb tenses so far so we didn't have a lot of choices. There's this one scene where I'm really hungry because the landowners aren't feeding us, and I keep saying 'J'ai faim.' In case you didn't know, that means 'I'm hungry,' but it really means 'I have hunger.' That's what real French people say. I think it's neat how French people have hunger, but they aren't hungry like Americans are. I mean, it's a lot easier to try not to have something than to try not to be it."

-Lori Gottlieb, Stick Figure: A Diary of my Former Self p. 132

<3

So I was thinking about how isolated I am today. Not only I, but it seems that most eating-disordered people tend to isolate themselves. Surprisingly, I wasn't too bothered by the thought. What did bother me is the fact that I wish I were surrounded by like-minded people.

One of my very best friends used to be bulimic. We shared our eating disorders, and while she still struggles with it, she's not even close to the mindset that I'm still in. I wish I had real life friends that shared my struggles, problems, goals, and thoughts. I love the online community, but it's not quite the same.

Thinspo: Gaga from her "Telephone" video:

Showers...

...at 4 am are always nice. Especially after sex. The only part I hate about it, is that it's 4 am. I should be asleep. But instead, I'm sitting in bed next to my fiance, (we'll call him 'J') writing this, listening to him breathe while he sleeps. I should be laying next to him sound asleep with absolutely no worries about whether or not he loves me. I should be feeling secure in how much he loves me. But I'm not.

I hate myself. That causes me to be unable to trust people, because I find it ridiculous to even try to believe that I'm "lovable". As much evidence as there is to the contrary, I refuse to believe that anyone would ever want me or love me. And yet, he does. He tells me everyday. He makes it known to everyone. He's good to me. Even when I'm difficult. But still...I pick everything apart. "He doesn't kiss me enough. He doesn't show enough affection. He doesn't look at me enough." Yes, those things have gone through my head. And then I stop and think, "I'm getting aggravated and mopey because... he doesn't look at me enough?" That's the DEFINITION of childish and insecure. I keep trying to reason with myself because I don't want him to feel like he's doing something wrong. I don't want to "pick" at him. I don't want to cause an argument. But I wish I could silence the insecurity and the childishness. I wish I wasn't so threatened by the thought of being unlovable, just waiting for the day when he walks out of my life forever. And these insecurities are the very thing that would cause it, that would make me unlovable. It's a downward spiral, and I'm fighting it as hard as I can.

I wish I could love myself enough to let him love me.

Thinspo:

xoxo

I left my heart on the dance floor...

Well apparently I have a knack for screwing things up. My fiance now feels the need to "think about life" because of me. And I've only been living with him for 2 weeks! Wtf? What is wrong with me? Why do I have to be so difficult? Ugh. I hate dealing with drama. Sometimes I just hate dealing with people in general. Which is why I choose to spend the majority of my time alone. I don't feel the slightest need to be around people (especially people my own age), to put on a fake smile and pretend to be interested in what they're saying. And it has absolutely nothing to do with any type of superiority complex. I just get tired of people. And their shit.

I'm so tired of the ups and downs of emotions. I wish I was one of those people who could just shrug off emotions and think rationally about things without effort. People who have themselves in check and under control. I've only known a few people like that in my life, and I've always envied them. I've always watched in awe at how they handle themselves, and their circumstances. Even very tough circumstances. I wish I were as controlled as they.

Anyway, I suppose I just needed to vent a little. I'll post thinspo later little anas. Stay strong <3

"Trust can be fixed like a broken mirror...but you always see the crack in that mother fucker's reflection." Or something like that :)

Well, it's been forever since I posted anything, and that is due to the fact that my life has pretty much completely changed in a matter of weeks. I've moved (thank God, literally), and I'm living with my fiance states away from my family. I miss them though, but I guess that's how it always is. You can't stand them when you live with them, but once you move out you miss them like crazy. I guess it's probably not like that for everyone, but it is for me.

Anyway, my eating has been perfection for the last few weeks. I've been a very good girl, and I'm actually proud of myself. I feel completely in control, and it's the best feeling in the world. My fiance has actually been making it alot easier on me as well. He doesn't buy junk food, he lets me get whatever I want, and he doesn't try to monitor my eating. It bothers him that I don't eat, but he doesn't say much about it.

I hope you'll all let me know how you're doing.

Stay strong little anas <3

1/19/2010

Find your freedom in the music.

Stay strong little anas.

Swines

Hello little anas.

So I found out that my boyfriend is okay, but the Doctors think he has strep, but they did tests for swine-flu, just in case. That's not even the reason he went to the hospital, they just happened to notice it. But the point is, he's okay. And I'm semi-relieved. I feel like its not over yet though. He's still not feeling well, and what if it gets worse?? Ugh. I guess I can't think about it too much. I just hope he's completely well soon.

I'm sitting here watching Food Network...and I have no idea why. I haven't binged, and I don't plan to...soooo I dunno why I'm watching this. I'm still doing well with my restricting, and I'm really happy about it. Things are really starting to look up for me. I have grand plans that are all falling into place :)

I think I'm going to go make some coffee. Stay strong. I'll edit with thinspo later.

Snow

I'm so sorry for the lack of updates lovelies.

Updates: The Holidays were crap, as expected. Not necessarily because of the food (I actually did quite well), but more so because my family can't get through one day without arguing. *Siiiiiigh* So I'm kind of glad it's over, though I find that thought really sad, since I've always loved Christmas.

Anyway, lately I've been doing marvelously with my restricting. I've found that when I put myself in a certain mindset, it comes so easily. When I decide beforehand that the answer is always "NO" when I say to myself, "One cookie wouldn't hurt..." or "Just a few chips...", I find that I do much better, and though its always in the back of my head, my immediate thoughts are not SO consumed with food. I just don't allow myself to think about it so much. Now, I'm well aware that this will probably only take me so far, and that eventually it might not work that way for me anymore, but for now, I'm sticking with what works.

I haven't eaten anything today yet, though I can smell breakfast food being cooked downstairs. It smells really good, which is why I refuse to leave my room until I'm sure all of its been eaten by my family. I'm not really thinking about it too much at the moment though because my mind is preoccupied with other things. My boyfriend called me this morning to tell me that he's going to the hospital. Something bad happened. He told me to just wait for him to call me and let me know what's going on, but it makes me really anxious. If anything ever happened to him, I really don't know what I would do. He's really the only person that knows who I am, and loves me anyway. He's so good to me. I hope he's okay.

I hope you all are doing well. Let me know, I'd love to hear from you...whoever you may be :)

Thinspo for you: