Showers...

...at 4 am are always nice. Especially after sex. The only part I hate about it, is that it's 4 am. I should be asleep. But instead, I'm sitting in bed next to my fiance, (we'll call him 'J') writing this, listening to him breathe while he sleeps. I should be laying next to him sound asleep with absolutely no worries about whether or not he loves me. I should be feeling secure in how much he loves me. But I'm not.

I hate myself. That causes me to be unable to trust people, because I find it ridiculous to even try to believe that I'm "lovable". As much evidence as there is to the contrary, I refuse to believe that anyone would ever want me or love me. And yet, he does. He tells me everyday. He makes it known to everyone. He's good to me. Even when I'm difficult. But still...I pick everything apart. "He doesn't kiss me enough. He doesn't show enough affection. He doesn't look at me enough." Yes, those things have gone through my head. And then I stop and think, "I'm getting aggravated and mopey because... he doesn't look at me enough?" That's the DEFINITION of childish and insecure. I keep trying to reason with myself because I don't want him to feel like he's doing something wrong. I don't want to "pick" at him. I don't want to cause an argument. But I wish I could silence the insecurity and the childishness. I wish I wasn't so threatened by the thought of being unlovable, just waiting for the day when he walks out of my life forever. And these insecurities are the very thing that would cause it, that would make me unlovable. It's a downward spiral, and I'm fighting it as hard as I can.

I wish I could love myself enough to let him love me.

Thinspo:

xoxo