Quiet.

First of all, thank you for your comments. It really does help to know that others can relate to the way I feel.

Currently, my fiance is still here. I don't know why, but he is. Things aren't any easier between us, but at least he hasn't left yet. We decided to go out of town to spend Thanksgiving with my family. I was shocked that he agreed to go. I thought he would go visit his family and make me spend the holiday alone. I just hope he keeps his word...

I feel emotionally drained. I just feel like being quiet. Mainly because lately everything I say or do is wrong and just makes him angry. If I just stay quiet, keep my thoughts in my head and not out of my mouth, maybe things will get better. Maybe.

I feel like I'm at the point where, after so long of being completely hated and torn down and hurt so badly by someone I'm so in love with, all I can do is just stop. Just...stop. Stop everything. Stop feeling. Stop talking. Stop thinking. Just exist. Not agitate, not provoke, not analyze, not argue, not cry, not try to reason.... just exist. That's where I'm at. It's all I have right now.

The truth is, I'm so torn up over the way this relationship has gone. Too torn up. I can't deal with it. Not right now. The heartache I expressed in my last post is still very much there. I don't know what to do with it. I wish I could give some inspirational line about how hurting only makes me better, only pushes me to be better...but it doesn't. It just hurts. More than I know how to handle. So for now, I'll just be quiet, and just exist.

It's just so dark here. And lonely.