Shame.

Binged and purged again all day. When J came home, he started looking for something to eat, and started questioning me about where all the food had gone. I started to cry and locked myself in the bedroom for three hours. When I finally came out, he asked me if I had puked. I said no. After that, he didn't talk to me anymore. I'm sure he knows what happened. I'm also quite sure he doesn't care.

I feel completely alone. Exiled. Ashamed. He could find a million girls who are better than me, skinnier than me, prettier than me, happier with themselves than me. And who knows, maybe he will. He certainly doesn't give a shit about me anymore. He didn't care that I spent three hours alone and crying, hanging my head in shame, feeling unloved and unwanted. And the harsh truth is that's exactly what I am...unloved and unwanted. I have no one. No one. They've all gone. They all have their own lives. The one person who promised to love me and take care of me has abandoned me for his own selfish motivations. He has rejected me daily for months, made me feel like the smallest person on earth. I'm angry, and yet, all I want is for him to love me. I'm unlovable.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to respond. I don't know how to get anyone's attention, to tell them what I need. Would they even care enough to give it to me? Or would they think I'm just some sort of attention whore? I don't know how to keep myself together. I just want this day to be over.

I'm sorry that I have nothing happy or uplifting to write about lately. I wish I could fake it like other people do. I wish I could lie and convince myself that everything's fine, and go on living it. I hope you all can forgive me.

xoxo