New.

J and I got a new place. It's a nice house. I've been busy unpacking for the last three days. I probably won't be completely finished until next week, but that's alright, it gives me something to keep myself occupied.

Today was rough, as far as eating goes. Well, it was rough all around actually. Things with J haven't improved much. He doesn't really notice me at all, unless he's asking me to do something. He doesn't really touch me at all. He doesn't really look at me at all. Last night I wondered if he even remembered what my face looks like...I mean, all the details of it, the color of my eyes, the shape of my nose, the outline of my lips. And then I realized, probably not. And he probably doesn't care. That made me cry. I broke down. I want so badly for him to hold me, and kiss me, and tell me everything will be alright. But he doesn't. The break down from last night continued to manifest itself throughout the day today (as if sobbing last night wasn't enough). I binged and purged. Five times. In about two hours time. I finally calmed myself and stopped eating everything in sight. It was a pretty rough experience overall though. My eyes are puffy, they have broken blood vessels all around them, they burn, my throat is unbelievably sore, my head is pounding, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be in extreme pain in the middle of the night because of the medical problems I now have...all because of purging. Sigh. I do it to myself. I have no one to blame but myself. Not that I would want to blame anyone else...in a way, it'a all a part of my identity. I love it, and hate it. It defines me, its something personal to me, yet I feel ashamed of it, I hide it.

I don't know what my weight is, and its driving me crazy. J doesn't want me to have a scale. We had one before we moved back with my family, but he got rid of it. I really need one. I hate not knowing. I hate not being able to monitor it day by day.

I hope you're all well. You're in my thoughts.

xoxo