The day after...and some hope.

Thanksgiving went well...somewhat. J and I got along for the majority of the day, until around 7 pm last night. He got really mad at me over something so trivial, something I hadn't intended to turn into an argument. I was devastated. I locked myself in the bathroom, away from everyone, and just cried for a while. I didn't want anyone to see or hear me, I just wanted to feel what I was feeling, let it out, and move on. When I returned, J sat next to me on his laptop, ignoring me...but then something happened. He stopped, and looked at me for a second. Not just a glance, he really looked at me. He looked at my eyes. And then everything changed.

He moved past it. He just...let it go. He was kind to me, and somewhat compassionate. I think maybe, just maybe, he saw it all in my eyes. The hurt, the sadness, the grief, the exhaustion. And I think maybe he thought about what I was feeling, if even for a second.

Things are okay for now. We're not fighting...but he's not exactly loving either. But hopefully what he saw in my eyes last night will stay with him for a while. Maybe he can get a glimpse of what I feel, and it might change how he feels. I hope.

I successfully avoided eating everything in sight, thankfully. I enjoyed the company of my family and caught up with a childhood friend. I love that my grandparents already have their Christmas decorations out. It reminds me of being a kid, mesmerized by colorful lights, watching little plastic people skating on mirror ice, and anticipating my favorite Christmas cartoons that will undoubtedly appear on tv. It's a nice feeling in the midst of this unpredictable, unstable heartache.

I wanted to purge, but there was no way that was happening in a house full of people. I think it would have made me feel better, it usually does now days, but I'm glad I didn't. This morning I woke up in horrible pain from the medical problems I'm having, all because of purging, and I know it would have been so much more painful if I had actually purged yesterday. I popped one of the pills I was given to help ease the pain, so it's bearable for now. Still, the desire to purge is there.

J and I are staying with my family until Sunday, which is a good thing I think, having a break from the rest of the world. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, I'll be thinking of you.

xoxo