J'ai Faim

I'm pretty sure I drank my weight in alcohol last night. It was fun at first...until I started noticing that I was feeling more emotional than usual. Like everything I've been feeling for the last few days was amplified by 2934u9052435234720...if that makes any sense.

I'm lonely and depressed, and I feel completely unwanted and unloved. My head knows that it's ridiculous to feel this way, especially with a fiance as wonderful as mine, but it just won't go away. I've tried to ignore it, I've even tried talking to J about it. It just makes him irritable. He feels like I'm just making a huge list of everything he's doing wrong. And maybe I am. I don't know anymore. He's the best thing to ever happen to me and I don't want to screw it up by acting on emotions that are unreasonable. But I don't know how to deal with them. I feel like he's not attracted to me at all, and he can tell me its not true all he wants, but it still feels that way, and I can't get rid of those feelings.

It's driving me insane. I can't sleep. I just lie there dwelling on those feelings and trying not to cry. What am I supposed to do? I keep thinking "If I lose more weight, things will get better." And I truly believe that, but I know it won't fix everything. I'm at a loss. I feel desperate. I don't know what to do to reconcile this. I'm trying to be rational, I really am. I guess I'll just have to fake utter happiness until it really comes. I don't want to cause problems in my relationship over insecurity that has no bearing on reality. I wish I could wish them all away. And I wish I had 3 wishes to do it.

"I got pretty bored waiting, so I started going over the lines in my head for this French play I'm in at school. I play a rabbit called Janot Lapin, who's the leader of a group of farm animals. It's not the most interesting play in the universe, but we only know three verb tenses so far so we didn't have a lot of choices. There's this one scene where I'm really hungry because the landowners aren't feeding us, and I keep saying 'J'ai faim.' In case you didn't know, that means 'I'm hungry,' but it really means 'I have hunger.' That's what real French people say. I think it's neat how French people have hunger, but they aren't hungry like Americans are. I mean, it's a lot easier to try not to have something than to try not to be it."

-Lori Gottlieb, Stick Figure: A Diary of my Former Self p. 132

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