Dear K...

Dear K,

Who are you? You've lied about a multitude of things. From the very beginning. You never were who you claimed to be. You probably never will be. You don't even know who you are. You wear so many different masks. You're trying desperately to find one that fits. You feel ashamed that none of them do.

You mask your wickedness with moralism. You have a knowledge of the truth, but refuse to embrace its power. You continue to walk in deceit, trading wisdom for attention. But know, everything you do in the dark, will eventually come to light.

You mask your insecurities with accusations of others. Instead of trust, and dealing with your feelings head-on, you create chaos around you. You're conviction is that no one could ever want you, you're so "sure" of it that you become paranoid. You question the motives of everyone you meet, and eventually drive them away. So, in a sense, you're right. People don't want you, because of your own doing.

You mask your hatefulness with self-pity. You lie, then cry over being lied to. You mistreat others, then wallow when you're labeled a bitch.

But worst of all, you mask your sorrow with an outpouring of wickedness, insecurity, and hatefulness. The truth is, you're a scared girl. Scared of being rejected, scared of not being good enough, scared of loving and losing, scared of yourself.

You're so lost.

You don't know who you are. You don't know who you want to be. You're afraid of being taken advantage of. You're afraid of appearing weak. You're afraid of being alone. You're afraid of pain. You're afraid of losing control.

But your fears have created a storm. A violent one. One that threatens your very existence. Your fear would love nothing more than to drag you to the depths and watch you suffocate on all of your "what-ifs", as you try to grasp for the control you so desperately seek. I know you think that control is your lifeline, that once you have a hold of it, it will pull you to safety. But it won't. It's a current that has control over you. And it's dragging you down faster than every breath you take. It will kill you...it will take your life. It will take your relationships from you, it will take your friendships, it will take your ability to be a stable worker, it will take your ability to think rationally, it will take your ability to function normally. It will take all you have, and all you hold dear. It will not save you. It will be your demise.

I know you're scared. I know you've done things you regret. I know you portray something different than what you feel. I know that people no longer trust you. They have caught you behind your masks, and there is an opinion formed of you from that. But I also know what you truly feel. I know the struggles you face. I know how you view yourself, and what your desires really are. You don't want to be the monster you have become. You don't want to be an adversary, a chaotic beacon who wreaks havoc. You don't want to lie anymore. You don't want to be weak. You don't want to sacrifice truth on an altar of worldly things.

You want to bring joy to people's lives. You want to smile, and mean it. You want to see others uplifted and loved. You want to be gentle, compassionate, and kind. You want to think of others before yourself. You want to live a life of service and sacrifice to others. And you know why.

I'll be honest, it's not realistic to think this can be achieved on your own. You are wicked. You are insecure. You are flawed and broken. It is not in you to fix this. You know the truth. There is a living hope.

Don't let your brokenness and sorrow lead you to despair. Let it be a catalyst into newness. For the first time, come alive. Breathe, see, touch, allow yourself to be affected. No more lies, no more anger, no more self-pity, no more paranoia.

Let go of everything holding you back. Let go of the control. Rise to the surface and take a breath. You don't need to fight anymore. Just let it go.

A letter to myself.

"The heart is deceitful above all things

and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9