"I wish you were handicapped...

...so we could get better parking." Isn't my sister lovely? She's certainly a piece of work.

I'm sorry I've been away for so long. After moving, starting a new job, and getting settled, things are finally starting to calm down. I haven't been restricting, instead I've been eating and eating, and vomiting until I dry heave. My throat is sore, my eyes are puffy, but I'm okay for the most part. I've gotten used to throwing up. I used to not be able to stand throwing up. It used to be painful and hard. Now it's become second nature. I've cut twice since I moved back home.

J is incredibly happy here, but me, not so much. I abandoned this place for hope of freedom, and yet, here I am. Everyone in my family thinks it's funny to make jokes about my need for control over my own life. That's fine. Keep laughing. Keep tearing at me.

Of course, if I were to say that to them, they would laugh and call me crazy. They don't understand the fact that the things they say affect me quite differently than what they may intend. And I'm the one who needs to change...I'm the one who needs to "lighten up" instead of them being more sensitive to the way my mind works and the issues I have. I'll just keep my mouth shut. There's nothing else I can do. I'm tired of being looked at like a freak. I am who I am. Just because my mind processes things differently doesn't mean that I'm wrong. The situation calls for sensitivity and conversation on both sides, but all I ever hear is "You're wrong. That's NOT the way things are." Bullshit. That IS the way things are if it's real to me. And if it's not, then convince me. HELP ME believe it. Otherwise, just leave me alone.

I'm not working this week, so I'm stuck at home with food all day. I eat, and throw up. Eat, throw up. I'm tired and drained, but I keep a smile on my face, I keep going. "I can get through this day," I tell myself, only to realize that tomorrow will be exactly the same.

I'm trying to be happy, I really am, but I don't know how. Keep faking it, maybe one day it will become reality.

I wish I were free.