Day 5

So this morning I woke up with a sick feeling. It's that sick feeling where you're so hungry you feel like you're going to puke, but you don't want to eat anything because you feel like you're going to puke. Yeah. So I'm slowly sipping down a glass of juice and thankfully its working. I would hate to walk around with a sick feeling all day, it would make me snippy.

Yesterday went well. I got SO tempted last night when I fixed dinner for J, I almost gave in, but I just kept telling myself "you can eat in a couple of days when this is over, don't blow it now". That, and I thought about having to write a post on here stating my failure to the ana world. Gah. But I didn't give in, and I feel great.

Also, I got a little thinspiration yesterday. I was unpacking a leftover box from our move, and I found my very first calorie counter. I got it when I was 13. I carried that thing around with me forever and a day. I read through it and found all of my little notes scribbled inside. It gave me a flashback to some weirdly good memories. I remember when I first found out what "pro ana" was. There was a name for what had been going on in my life, and I was relieved to see that there were others out there. The first pro ana site I ever joined was a forum, I don't remember the name, but I remember it was pink, and there was a picture of a reeeeeeally thin blonde girl on the front page. I even remember she was sitting on the ground in the picture wearing a shirt that said "Heaven" on it. Supposedly, that was a picture of the site creator. I remember how amazing she looked to me, she just seemed amazingly happy, and I was sure it was because she was so thin. I remember the feeling it gave me, of determination and a sense of community. I miss that site. I wish I could remember the name, although I know its shut down now. I also remember that time of my life being pretty hilarious because of my older sister. She was 16 when I was 13, and she noticed what I was doing I guess, and saw that I was losing weight, and "decided" that she was going to be "ana" too. HA. She just wanted attention. She didn't have any real problems with food or her body, or any mental or psychological issues. She was already really thin and beautiful, everyone loved her.

She even had me plan out her meals. I wrote down what I was doing at that time, which was 200 calories divided up into in really small meals to eat through out the day. After two days I caught her eating a rib sandwich. She used to get on the internet and tell people she was in an asylum for an eating disorder. She made up all kinds of bullshit. But she got the attention she craved, so whatever. I guess it was a good thing. If she hadn't been working so hard to keep everyone's eyes on her, I might have been caught. I mean, my parents eventually noticed, and my Mom had a "talk" with me, several times over the years, but every time I tell her I'm fine, she believes me. She doesn't want to believe that I might have a problem. It all works out for me though.

Anyway, my sister was just crazy there for a while. She got into poetry, dragged me to Barnes & Noble all the time looking for Sylvia Plath books, started listening to Alanis Morrisette and PJ Harvey. Oh god, don't get me started on PJ Harvey. That shit was not music. I'm pretty sure it was a recording of a terrible car accident with horrible singing and dumbass lyrics recorded over it. It's one of those things you could compare to drinking beer. No one ever starts drinking beer because it tastes good (let's be honest, it tastes like cat piss and peroxide), people start drinking it to get drunk or look cool, and eventually develop a taste for it. It's kind of like that. But it's ridiculous when people try to be "deep". If you have to try, then you're never going to be deep. Just accept your shallowness.

My older sister was amusing to watch during that period of my life. She was a piece of work. But she's my sister and I love her.

I hope you're all well. Sorry if I offended anyone who likes PJ Harvey, but its just not for me.

xoxo