Today is day 1 of my 7 day fast. I'm doing well with it...but every time I do one of these, the first 3 days are super easy. After that, it gets a bit rough. But its only 7 days and I've done it before so I know what to expect. I remember the first time I ever fasted for 7 days...I was 13. I told my Mom it was for spiritual reasons, and of course, it wasn't. But I also remember technically failing that one. On day 4 I was very weak, so I ate 2 crackers. And I remember crying myself to sleep that night because I was so sure that all of the weight I had lost would be gained back by the morning (and then some), all because I ate 2 crackers.
I actually look back on those times with fondness. I was so wrapped up in an eating disorder that had just begun to manifest itself...and all the other parts of my life weren't so complicated. I was 13, I had alot of friends that I loved, I had no boyfriend to worry about, I was still in school...I was still a kid. I remember going to a restaurant with my family and ordering a salad, and delighting myself in cutting it into small pieces without actually ever taking a bite. I remember the chapstick stuff I used to wear all the time, Blistex Fruit Smoothies- Melon Medley, and the certain taste it had that could ease my hunger. Every time I smell it, it all comes back to me. I remember buying and reading the book "Stick Figure" and reading it day and night until I finished it. I remember the first time I ever saw a photo of Kate Moss. All good, yet twisted memories. There was something exciting about it then...knowing that I was working toward something that would change my life. If I were skinnier, I would be so much happier. I have control over something, I can be who I want to be. It's a lie. It's all a lie. One that I really continue to believe. I just can't get around it. Maybe I never will.
Anyway, only juice and water for me for the next week. I just hope J doesn't say anything about it, although I sincerely doubt he will notice. I'm going to feel so clean when this is over.
Thank you for your comments, its good to get some feedback :)
xoxo
Please let me know how it's going in a couple of days? I almost feel that you inspire me to at least attempt fasting for 7 days, but I am afraid I will fail. What kind of juice are you allowed to drink?
ReplyDeleteNostalgic memories always seem,..happier..., in lack of better word. It's sad though that u had to experience such thoughts at the age of 13.
However, I guess it shaped you to be the person you are now :)
Live and be happy :D! (Sorry, too much coffee and it's spring weather outside.)
I find the same thing is true about when I first started my ED. It seemed so much easier. Now, after about 6 years, 3 treatment facilities, and 50 lbs later, I am trying to get back to it, but it is SO much harder.
ReplyDeleteHow old are you, if I may ask? And I find it somewhat disconcerting that J doesn't keep strict tabs on your eating - does he know about your ED? My first boyfriend seemed to know EVERY time I purged even when I brushed my teeth and used eye drops...can't say it was very helpful, but still...at least I knew he was concerned.