Lonely.

The road we walk is a lonely one. Even those who support and love us will never really know what it's like...

I feel so isolated, but I don't really have any desire to be around other people. I feel like everyone is fake. All of these people around me pretending to have problems to get attention, creating drama wherever they go. They want to be labeled something they're not. Sometimes I sit back in amazement at the stuff people make up or complain about and think, "You have no idea...".

The truth is, a lot of the girls out there who "want" eating disorders are immature, shallow, selfish, and weak. They couldn't even survive having one, I guarantee it. It's a personal hell. It pushes its sufferers toward suicide. The pull of death gets stronger day by day. It takes strength to resist it.

So to all of my fellow eating disordered friends, the fact that you're still alive and have endured the dark thoughts that sometimes feel like they're swallowing you whole makes you much braver than you know. There's a light up ahead. We'll get through this eventually. I know an "internet connection" isn't much of a connection at all, but you're not alone. And neither am I.

Don't give up.

xoxo

Another Monday.

This weekend was pretty good. J and I just relaxed and shut out the rest of the world. It was nice, but it ended too quickly.

Over the weekend I ended up eating some fruit and veggies, and last night ate a small piece of boneless, skinless chicken. And kept it down...only because I had to. When J is home I can't purge. I'm too loud and you can hear it from anywhere in the house, so I try to limit what I eat around him.

My chest pains came back last night as well, which kept waking me up through out the night. That's always lovely. I'm grouchy when that happens because I'm not "well rested" and while I could go back to sleep, I don't want to. I don't like sleeping in really late when I have the chance, makes me feel even more tired and lazy. Maybe I can take a little nap later after I've finished up everything I need to get done.

I need coffee.

xoxo

1/28/2011

My last day of fasting went well. It was kind of an afterthought, but I'm not sure why.

I don't really know what to eat now. I guess I'll start with a piece or two of fruit and not much else. I feel anxious though, I feel fear creeping up on me. I don't want to gain weight back. I feel like I want to purge everything I eat now, even if it's not a binge, just a piece of fruit or vegetables or something. I just want nothing in my body.

Ugh. Hard decisions. I know that would be so rough on me physically, but at the same time, I really don't care. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I might just avoid food altogether until I know I can eat something small without purging.

Today is kind of a numb day. I don't feel happy, but I don't feel sad either. I'm just...meh. I'm glad it's Friday, J and I can just relax this weekend and not think about the rest of the world for a while. He really needs that and so do I.

I think that's about it for now. I don't really have anything interesting to say...it's just one of those days. I'm sure you all know what I mean.

Stay strong xoxo

Day 7

Today is the last day of my fast. I feel accomplished. And clean. The hunger isn't really so noticeable anymore. Last night was pretty rough for me though. I felt just awful. I was in no mood to even pretend to feel well, and J noticed. But I got through it, and I was so happy when I finally laid down to go to sleep so I wouldn't have to think about it anymore.

So yesterday I found a show called "What's Eating You" that's all about people with eating disorders. It was pretty interesting...I think it originally aired on E! but I found some of the episodes online. I found some other movies to watch- "Hunger Point" and "Perfect Body". Hunger Point wasn't nearly as good as the book...in fact, they kind of butchered it, although the acting was decent. Perfect Body was typically cheesy (with really weird music), but it wasn't too bad. You can find both movies on Youtube if you're interested in checking them out.

I'll update later

xoxo

Day 6

Still consistent in my fasting, but feeling pretty weak. The thing I hate the most is the sick feeling I wake up with every morning. I mean, eventually it goes away when I drink a glass of juice, but for the first half hour I'm awake, I'm with J while he gets ready for work and it's really hard to be a happy morning person when you feel like there's a tiny gnome punching the inside of your stomach trying desperately to get out.

Huh...that was a really weird analogy.

So I really don't have anything to do today, and that kind of scares me because I'll be alone with food in the house all day. I'm not going out because we got like 29374872384 inches of snow last night, and it's still snowing. I love it, but I wish it would have come sooner so Christmas would have been better. I think I'll try to find one of those really cheesy Lifetime movies about eating disorders to watch online. I wish someone would make a movie about it that would actually be released in theatres. It might still be a little cheesy, but compared to Lifetime movies...come on. You all know what I'm talking about. So, any good suggestions on those cheesy movies?

Also, my Dad called me yesterday to talk. He told me that the problems he and my Mom were having aren't getting any better and that he's leaving. At first, I was upset...until he started getting defensive and attacking me when I told him how wrong all of this was. He eventually relented after I called him out for it though. He knows he's wrong. I feel kind of numb about the whole thing because he's being a selfish jerk, and quite frankly, he's full of crap. My 19 year old sister still lives with them, and she told me that he says he's leaving everyday, but he never does. I think he's being overly-emotional and making stupid decisions he'll regret later because of it. And I told him exactly that. I guess we'll see what happens. He also told me he was let go from his job because he's having marital problems. He worked for a good family friend in a Christian ministry, and he's a liability engaging in this kind of behavior. I think they did the right thing. If he's going to claim to be a Christian, then he should live it out consistently. Not that Christians are perfect, I mean, the fact that none of us are perfect and needed a Savior is the whole point of it...but this situation is common sense, plus there are some big questions about him being faithful. I think it's good that they're holding him accountable, but in a loving and honest way. He hasn't even tried to work on it with my Mom. All he does is complain, but never makes any effort to fix it. If he were getting counseling or some kind of help, this would all be different. But he's not. He's just giving up.

Anyway, I'm done spilling out my problems here for today. I hope you all have a lovely day and stay safe.

xoxo

Day 5

So this morning I woke up with a sick feeling. It's that sick feeling where you're so hungry you feel like you're going to puke, but you don't want to eat anything because you feel like you're going to puke. Yeah. So I'm slowly sipping down a glass of juice and thankfully its working. I would hate to walk around with a sick feeling all day, it would make me snippy.

Yesterday went well. I got SO tempted last night when I fixed dinner for J, I almost gave in, but I just kept telling myself "you can eat in a couple of days when this is over, don't blow it now". That, and I thought about having to write a post on here stating my failure to the ana world. Gah. But I didn't give in, and I feel great.

Also, I got a little thinspiration yesterday. I was unpacking a leftover box from our move, and I found my very first calorie counter. I got it when I was 13. I carried that thing around with me forever and a day. I read through it and found all of my little notes scribbled inside. It gave me a flashback to some weirdly good memories. I remember when I first found out what "pro ana" was. There was a name for what had been going on in my life, and I was relieved to see that there were others out there. The first pro ana site I ever joined was a forum, I don't remember the name, but I remember it was pink, and there was a picture of a reeeeeeally thin blonde girl on the front page. I even remember she was sitting on the ground in the picture wearing a shirt that said "Heaven" on it. Supposedly, that was a picture of the site creator. I remember how amazing she looked to me, she just seemed amazingly happy, and I was sure it was because she was so thin. I remember the feeling it gave me, of determination and a sense of community. I miss that site. I wish I could remember the name, although I know its shut down now. I also remember that time of my life being pretty hilarious because of my older sister. She was 16 when I was 13, and she noticed what I was doing I guess, and saw that I was losing weight, and "decided" that she was going to be "ana" too. HA. She just wanted attention. She didn't have any real problems with food or her body, or any mental or psychological issues. She was already really thin and beautiful, everyone loved her.

She even had me plan out her meals. I wrote down what I was doing at that time, which was 200 calories divided up into in really small meals to eat through out the day. After two days I caught her eating a rib sandwich. She used to get on the internet and tell people she was in an asylum for an eating disorder. She made up all kinds of bullshit. But she got the attention she craved, so whatever. I guess it was a good thing. If she hadn't been working so hard to keep everyone's eyes on her, I might have been caught. I mean, my parents eventually noticed, and my Mom had a "talk" with me, several times over the years, but every time I tell her I'm fine, she believes me. She doesn't want to believe that I might have a problem. It all works out for me though.

Anyway, my sister was just crazy there for a while. She got into poetry, dragged me to Barnes & Noble all the time looking for Sylvia Plath books, started listening to Alanis Morrisette and PJ Harvey. Oh god, don't get me started on PJ Harvey. That shit was not music. I'm pretty sure it was a recording of a terrible car accident with horrible singing and dumbass lyrics recorded over it. It's one of those things you could compare to drinking beer. No one ever starts drinking beer because it tastes good (let's be honest, it tastes like cat piss and peroxide), people start drinking it to get drunk or look cool, and eventually develop a taste for it. It's kind of like that. But it's ridiculous when people try to be "deep". If you have to try, then you're never going to be deep. Just accept your shallowness.

My older sister was amusing to watch during that period of my life. She was a piece of work. But she's my sister and I love her.

I hope you're all well. Sorry if I offended anyone who likes PJ Harvey, but its just not for me.

xoxo

Day 3 & 4

Sorry for the lack of updates, J and I had company over the weekend, so I didn't have time to write anything. It was ridiculously hard trying not to eat anything with people here, but I did it. I tried to keep conversations away from food, and since there was alot of drinking going on, no one really noticed that I hadn't eaten anything. It was seriously rough though.

Today should be pretty easy...I have enough things on my plate today so I don't have to worry about food not being on it.

My Dad decided not to leave my Mom. He put us all through a week of hell, and then just decides that he's over it and we're not allowed to ask any questions. He's still acting suspicious. He removed all of my family from his facebook so we can't see anything. Bullshit. If he's cheating on my Mom with some stupid whore over the internet, I'm done with him. End of story. I swear, my children (when I have them) will never know his name.

Anyway, I hope you're all well. I'll update with more interesting stuff later.

xoxo

Day 2

Day 1 was successful. And pretty easy. My mind was consumed by other things, so I didn't even think about food.

Yesterday I found out that my Dad is thinking about leaving my Mom. I can't even begin to express the anger I feel toward him right now. He is one of the most selfish babyish men I have ever seen. I just can't believe this. After all that bullshit he lectured me about...how to make marriage work and how much he loves my Mom....just two weeks ago! And now, all of a sudden, he's not getting enough attention. What a fucking pussy. After all the bullshit he put my Mom through, she always stuck by him and defended him...and he pulls this crap? I am just dumbfounded. People, this is what happens when you let your "feelings" rule your life. You make dumbass decisions that are completely self-centered and vain, and ruin everyone's life that you love. For once...For once in his life, can't he just do the right thing? Not because it benefits him...but because it's right. I feel so bad for my Mom. After all she's been through...she deserves so much more than this. She has given her life away to her family and friends, she's tried to do what's right always. She's gone above and beyond for the ones she loves, and even for people she doesn't even know. And now she's being "punished" for it by a man who was supposed to love her. After 28 years, he throws a woman like that away. Does he think he's going to find someone better? There are hardly any women like that anymore, especially in America. Women are just as selfish now days as men. We've all been babied so fucking much...that's why 50% of marriages fail in this country. Marriages that have lasted have done so because they worked their asses off making it work. Yes there are times when its hard, and you might not have that "in love" feeling at some point or another....but you have to work on it. Make it right. You don't just throw a marriage away...it's more than a contract, it's a covenant. One that God takes seriously, and so should we. Sometimes it seems hopeless to expect any marriage to work for my generation because people continue to do dumb shit.

Anyway...now that I got that rant out of my system...I'm going to go exercise.

Day 1

Today is day 1 of my 7 day fast. I'm doing well with it...but every time I do one of these, the first 3 days are super easy. After that, it gets a bit rough. But its only 7 days and I've done it before so I know what to expect. I remember the first time I ever fasted for 7 days...I was 13. I told my Mom it was for spiritual reasons, and of course, it wasn't. But I also remember technically failing that one. On day 4 I was very weak, so I ate 2 crackers. And I remember crying myself to sleep that night because I was so sure that all of the weight I had lost would be gained back by the morning (and then some), all because I ate 2 crackers.

I actually look back on those times with fondness. I was so wrapped up in an eating disorder that had just begun to manifest itself...and all the other parts of my life weren't so complicated. I was 13, I had alot of friends that I loved, I had no boyfriend to worry about, I was still in school...I was still a kid. I remember going to a restaurant with my family and ordering a salad, and delighting myself in cutting it into small pieces without actually ever taking a bite. I remember the chapstick stuff I used to wear all the time, Blistex Fruit Smoothies- Melon Medley, and the certain taste it had that could ease my hunger. Every time I smell it, it all comes back to me. I remember buying and reading the book "Stick Figure" and reading it day and night until I finished it. I remember the first time I ever saw a photo of Kate Moss. All good, yet twisted memories. There was something exciting about it then...knowing that I was working toward something that would change my life. If I were skinnier, I would be so much happier. I have control over something, I can be who I want to be. It's a lie. It's all a lie. One that I really continue to believe. I just can't get around it. Maybe I never will.

Anyway, only juice and water for me for the next week. I just hope J doesn't say anything about it, although I sincerely doubt he will notice. I'm going to feel so clean when this is over.

Thank you for your comments, its good to get some feedback :)

xoxo

1/18/2011

Last night was.....whoa. Amazing. Intense. J & I...damn. It was good.

Needless to say, things between us have been going great. I think we're finally back on the same page together. Thank God.

Still purging daily. I've started exercising alot more though. I'm thinking about doing a 7 day juice fast or something. Just to "purify" my system. I feel gross eating and then throwing up...like my body never really gets a proper break. If anyone has any suggestions for it, let me know.

Sorry this update is short, I'll write more later.

Love you ladies

xoxo

1/3/2011

I'm drowning in my thoughts.

My New Year's eve was alright. J and I decided to "start fresh" for the New Year. I guess we'll see how that goes. I just want our relationship to be as amazing as it used to be.

I've just continued purging, even though I want to restrict...but with J off work all weekend, I couldn't get away with not eating. I can today though, and I plan to.

I hope you all had a wonderful New Year's, and I hope 2011 is amazing for you.

xoxo