8/19/11

Today is...well, I don't really know. I feel drained. My throat is reeeeeally sore. It hurts to swallow, which is fine, it will keep me from eating today.

I've been told that everything is my fault....as if I didn't know that already. But it's official, every important person in my life has said it directly to my face. Wonderful.

I finally saw my therapist yesterday. My homework for this week is cutting out pictures of things I like in magazines and making a collage of "who I am"...or rather, exploring it. I have no clue who I am, I have no identity. I usually just conform to whatever someone wants me to be. I don't know who I want to be though.

Tonight is my last night with my sister. She leaves early tomorrow morning. I feel completely alone. I don't know how I'm going to feel once she's actually gone, but I'm preparing myself for the worst.

I'm still purging and cutting. I really don't have any plans to stop, I don't know how else I would deal with everything. I really don't feel like caring anymore.

x

I want to be free.

The last two days have been pretty normal (for me, at least)- binging and purging, crying and cutting. My weight is at a stand-still right now, which is kind of normal for me. I'll be the same weight for a day or two, and then lose a pound or more. I need to start exercising more, any ideas on a good workout routine?

I'm trying so hard to be released from my emotions. I just hope this passes quickly.

I haven't seen my therapist in two weeks, but I see her Thursday evening. I'm sure have to reschedule all of my appointments hasn't really helped with the whole "getting better" thing. I'm trying to stay positive, trying not to think about things, and trying to find adequate distractions to fill my time with. Anyone have any suggestions? Maybe a good ED book or something?

I've also checked out the residential facilities my therapist suggested for me. Half of me wants to go, but not to "recover", just to have a safe place to be with other people who have the same problems I do. It would be like a break from reality, but I know that's not the right reason to go. I should go to get better, but I just don't know that I'm at that point yet.

J still hasn't called. I'm trying not to think about him. I know he doesn't care, and it kills me that I do. I wish I didn't. I wish I could be as cold as he is.

I hope you're all well. I'll be catching up on all of your blogs today.

x

Tears are words the heart cannot express.

Today wasn't great, but it was an improvement from what I've been going through lately on a daily basis. I chickened out and canceled picking up my stuff from J's. I just couldn't do it. I talked to him today for about 15 minutes. We just talked about normal stuff, I tried to be as normal as possible. He said he'd call me back later. He never did.

I went out tonight with friends, which is always good. I got a break from thinking about everything for a few hours. But as soon as I walked in the door, it all came flooding back.

I wish the heartache would stop.

Struggling.

It's been another long day of scarf and barf. My stomach, chest, head, and throat hurts. It only gets worse.

Tomorrow I'm getting my things from J. I'm dreading it. I don't want to see him, I know it will only throw me back into a depression. I might chicken out and tell him I'll stop by on a different day. I don't want to go through this pain anymore. I just want it to go away. I don't want closure, I don't want to acknowledge that it's really over. I just want it all to fade away slowly and as painlessly as possible.

I miss him, and he hates me. How do I deal with that?

x

Runaway.

You close your eyes and cried, dying for the right to feel...Nobody knows the trouble we've seen, nobody knows the price of this dream, nobody knows what it took to believe...Nobody. She wants to be free."

I feel like I'm stuck. I can't go forward, and I can't go back. I'm gripped with fear and anguish, sadness and sickness. I look behind me, I look in front of me. I can't believe the mess I've made. I want to collapse thinking about what it's going to take to undo all of it. Part of me wants to just give up, and part of me really wants to move forward. I go back and forth with my thoughts and emotions all day long. People look at me and see a smiling face, and they have no idea what's going on inside. They will never know. That's part of the beauty of this struggle...you have something that is genuinely yours. It's personal, it's your best friend in certain ways. But that's also what makes us so lonely.

I want to be okay. I want to be happy. I want to love myself. I want this burden off my back. Too bad it's easier said than done. I don't even know where to start.

x

8/6/2011

The last few days have been bad. I cut myself again tonight. I didn't eat anything until this evening, binged and purged twice, which is actually pretty good considering I usually do it a lot more.

My sister is moving to Maryland. I feel like I'm losing my best friend. I don't know what to do. I really have lost everything important to me. What else is there to take away? I feel so alone. I don't feel safe with anyone. I have no comfort.

I'm scared of the future. I'm terrified of being alone. But I know at some point I just have to do what needs to be done. I've got to make it on my own. I have to be okay with just myself. In some ways, being alone doesn't seem all that bad to me...I don't have to deal with "guy drama", don't have to be paranoid about trust issues, and I'm not responsible for anyone except myself. But at other times, I feel like I'm not good enough to make it. I'm too stupid, too weak, too ugly, too fat, too broken. But I have to do this for myself. I have to push through the pain and hope that it makes me stronger. I have to become who I want to be, and push myself to get there. Rely on myself, get angry at those who have abandoned me, and set out to prove them wrong.

I will either sink or swim. Now is the time.

x

Bloody Mary.

The pain I feel on the inside carries so much weight, it is a burden of unbearable measure, and nothing can take it away. Nothing can quench the dry thirst of a brokenness so gripping, so consuming, so painful. It punches the heart and strangles the throat. It leaves me alone and broken into so many pieces that I wonder if I'll ever be whole again. I see it every time I look in the mirror...it stares back at me with dead eyes. Void and uncaring. It leaves me desperately desiring to be dead inside. And all at once, it becomes too much. It overflows from the very core of my being to drops of blood streaming down my arm. And I see it...the physical manifestation of what is going on inside of me. I am alone, and my wounds comfort me. They provide a solace, a sanctuary from myself. Relief and anguish in one swift motion after another. I bleed the tears I cry alone in the dark, the fear I feel when I'm alone, the food I vomit. It is soothing, it is safe. I can physically carve out my emotions on a map of skin, and I feel comforted. My wounds are with me. They always will be.