Sick.

So J and I are still together, but we're currently trying to figure out what to do. He suggested that maybe I go stay with my parents for a while. Or that we at least just avoid each other around the house for a while. He said he needs time to get over the past, and miss me.

I'm getting really mixed messages. First, he tells me how unhappy he is. Then he goes and proclaims his undying love for me and desire to be with me...it's just that he's "not happy" and he's "worn out" on all of my issues. I really don't know what to think. Or do.

So I haven't done anything. For the last three days I've just left him alone. We haven't talked much since Thursday when we were discussing our options. I really don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I don't know how I'm supposed to respond. I try to be happy (when I'm distracting myself), but even the slightest thought of our situation makes me feel sick, nervous, anxious, out of control, sad, and hopeless. I haven't really been able to sleep since our "talk" because my mind just races with thoughts constantly. The "what-ifs" are killers.

I analyze everything to death. I can feel the stress of it deteriorating my health. Stomach and chest pains, my hair is falling out, constant headaches, and dizziness. And those things aren't just because of my ED...they've become worse since all of this happened between J and I.

It feels like my entire world is crumbling, and I'm crumbling with it.

My heart aches. It never stops.