Solitaire: 94

Me: 7

Yes. I've played 101 games of Solitaire total, and I've only won 7. It's true, unfortunately. I feel really stupid, but at the same time it's pretty funny. 94 to 7...that's beyond bad. It's laughable. But I have a theory: I think I always lose because the only time I actually play it is when I'm upset and I'm thinking about other things while I'm playing, so I don't really pay attention.

Yeah. We'll go with that excuse.

Today I talked to my best friend. For 316 minutes exactly. She lives in a different state so I don't get to see her on a regular basis, but I'm glad I got to talk to her all day. She talked me through alot of the things going on in my head. She knows exactly how I feel about everything. We're pretty much the same person. I met her when I was 15, and while I was restricting at the time, she was bulimic. She's been through it all. I think that's why we instantly connected and have stayed best friends since. She's recovered now, which is great, and I'm really happy for her. And I love that I can still be honest with her about everything and know she's not going to look down on me for it because she's been there. She understands. It's nice to have a friend like that.

J and I are in the middle of war. Over really stupid things, obviously. It's been a bad week and we're both stressed. Sometimes I want to strangle him...but I'm sure he feels that more often about me than I do him. He's so moody, and I'm so over it. He gets mad at me if I look at him the wrong way. I suppose all of the stress has caused age regression...to like 6. I just want him to be genuinely happy. I don't want to argue anymore. It's exhausting, and I'm tired. So as of now, I forfeit. I quit. I have no desire to answer his snide remarks anymore. So I just...won't.

I've stopped binging and purging. I've stopped eating altogether. I just don't feel like doing it anymore. I constantly have thoughts in my head to deal with...when do I have time to eat? I don't even think about it. Too many other things to worry about.

Today I looked at myself in the mirror, and for the first time in a long time I could see a change in my face. A major change. Everyone has said that I look like a different person for a while now, but I never noticed until now. I'm not sure how I feel about it. To be honest, I don't really care right now.

I hope you're all well.