Dear K...

Dear K,

Who are you? You've lied about a multitude of things. From the very beginning. You never were who you claimed to be. You probably never will be. You don't even know who you are. You wear so many different masks. You're trying desperately to find one that fits. You feel ashamed that none of them do.

You mask your wickedness with moralism. You have a knowledge of the truth, but refuse to embrace its power. You continue to walk in deceit, trading wisdom for attention. But know, everything you do in the dark, will eventually come to light.

You mask your insecurities with accusations of others. Instead of trust, and dealing with your feelings head-on, you create chaos around you. You're conviction is that no one could ever want you, you're so "sure" of it that you become paranoid. You question the motives of everyone you meet, and eventually drive them away. So, in a sense, you're right. People don't want you, because of your own doing.

You mask your hatefulness with self-pity. You lie, then cry over being lied to. You mistreat others, then wallow when you're labeled a bitch.

But worst of all, you mask your sorrow with an outpouring of wickedness, insecurity, and hatefulness. The truth is, you're a scared girl. Scared of being rejected, scared of not being good enough, scared of loving and losing, scared of yourself.

You're so lost.

You don't know who you are. You don't know who you want to be. You're afraid of being taken advantage of. You're afraid of appearing weak. You're afraid of being alone. You're afraid of pain. You're afraid of losing control.

But your fears have created a storm. A violent one. One that threatens your very existence. Your fear would love nothing more than to drag you to the depths and watch you suffocate on all of your "what-ifs", as you try to grasp for the control you so desperately seek. I know you think that control is your lifeline, that once you have a hold of it, it will pull you to safety. But it won't. It's a current that has control over you. And it's dragging you down faster than every breath you take. It will kill you...it will take your life. It will take your relationships from you, it will take your friendships, it will take your ability to be a stable worker, it will take your ability to think rationally, it will take your ability to function normally. It will take all you have, and all you hold dear. It will not save you. It will be your demise.

I know you're scared. I know you've done things you regret. I know you portray something different than what you feel. I know that people no longer trust you. They have caught you behind your masks, and there is an opinion formed of you from that. But I also know what you truly feel. I know the struggles you face. I know how you view yourself, and what your desires really are. You don't want to be the monster you have become. You don't want to be an adversary, a chaotic beacon who wreaks havoc. You don't want to lie anymore. You don't want to be weak. You don't want to sacrifice truth on an altar of worldly things.

You want to bring joy to people's lives. You want to smile, and mean it. You want to see others uplifted and loved. You want to be gentle, compassionate, and kind. You want to think of others before yourself. You want to live a life of service and sacrifice to others. And you know why.

I'll be honest, it's not realistic to think this can be achieved on your own. You are wicked. You are insecure. You are flawed and broken. It is not in you to fix this. You know the truth. There is a living hope.

Don't let your brokenness and sorrow lead you to despair. Let it be a catalyst into newness. For the first time, come alive. Breathe, see, touch, allow yourself to be affected. No more lies, no more anger, no more self-pity, no more paranoia.

Let go of everything holding you back. Let go of the control. Rise to the surface and take a breath. You don't need to fight anymore. Just let it go.

A letter to myself.

"The heart is deceitful above all things

and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9

Goodbye Christmas

Sorry for the lack of updates, things have been up and down, all over the place.

Christmas is over. I'm not really sad because it didn't really seem like Christmas. I tried to enjoy it, but with all the arguing, and not getting out, and being constantly lonely...it didn't really work out the way I wanted.

I don't really have much to update about. Still purging. I'm going to try to restrict this next week.

Oh, and I seriously considered killing myself. About two weeks ago. I had it all planned, wrote notes and everything, but in the end I realized just how permanent it would be, and despite what others may think, Hell is far worse than any earthly pain. And quite frankly, suicide is probably the most selfish thing a person could do. They may not see it that way through their pain, but that's exactly what it is. Selfish. Granted, I don't have that many people in my life who love me or care...but one is enough.

Needless to say, things haven't really improved. I hate my brain. I'm broken. It can't be fixed. I'm going to go lay down now, I'll write more later. Alone, once more...even with J laying right next to me.

I love you all.

xoxo

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." -Matthew 11:28

12/15/10

I've been purging non-stop for the last few days. I feel good and I feel bad. I feel good because I can get all of the food out and purging has started to give me a euphoria-like feeling. I feel bad physically from all of it, and of course, it's messing with my head...as usual. You all know this is nothing new, we all go through it.

J and I are better. I'm trying to just let go of things and be happy. I think he's doing the same. I hope I can make a permanent change that lasts. I don't know what I would do if I lost him.

I hope you're all well. I'll update more later.

xoxo

8:34 am

So, thanks to someone's advice (thanks JJ!), I talked to J about everything. I think we both got a better understanding of how the other one feels. I just hope all the talking actually turns into action. I hope we don't fall back into the same place we've been recently.

After we finished talking about all of the issues we've been having, he started talking about my work. Right now I'm in the process of working out some demo recordings of songs that I've written to sell. J wants me to do that full time. I'm working with another songwriter that's been in the business for years, he's kind of "mentoring" me. He has full time contracts where he's agreed to write so many songs, and gets paid for them no matter what. It's actually a good income while still having the ability to have your songs used for different artists. I might end up doing something like that, rather than just shopping my songs around all the time. At least at first. It's kind of exciting and scary at the same time. I've been playing piano and writing since I was young, I've performed original songs before audiences, but I've never really entered into the "business" side of the music realm. But I'm not going to pass up the opportunities I have, I'd regret it for the rest of my life if I did.

Yesterday I restricted instead of binging and purging. I was proud of myself. I just needed to give my body a break. My heart was hurting all day, but it wasn't that bad, just little stings here and there. I'll probably end up having to go to the doctor, just to make sure things haven't become worse health-wise. I feel okay today emotionally and mentally, its the first time I have in a while. I'm watching Christmas shows, still trying to wake up while writing this. This weekend we're getting our Christmas tree, which makes me happy...I'm looking forward to the weekend decorating the house and relaxing after our move from last weekend.

I hope you're all well. Honestly, reading your blogs, I can say some of you are the sweetest girls I've ever had the privilege of knowing, even though I only "know" you by your blogs. This community has a lot of haters, but it's one of the most supportive and understanding communities there are.

xoxo

Shame.

Binged and purged again all day. When J came home, he started looking for something to eat, and started questioning me about where all the food had gone. I started to cry and locked myself in the bedroom for three hours. When I finally came out, he asked me if I had puked. I said no. After that, he didn't talk to me anymore. I'm sure he knows what happened. I'm also quite sure he doesn't care.

I feel completely alone. Exiled. Ashamed. He could find a million girls who are better than me, skinnier than me, prettier than me, happier with themselves than me. And who knows, maybe he will. He certainly doesn't give a shit about me anymore. He didn't care that I spent three hours alone and crying, hanging my head in shame, feeling unloved and unwanted. And the harsh truth is that's exactly what I am...unloved and unwanted. I have no one. No one. They've all gone. They all have their own lives. The one person who promised to love me and take care of me has abandoned me for his own selfish motivations. He has rejected me daily for months, made me feel like the smallest person on earth. I'm angry, and yet, all I want is for him to love me. I'm unlovable.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to respond. I don't know how to get anyone's attention, to tell them what I need. Would they even care enough to give it to me? Or would they think I'm just some sort of attention whore? I don't know how to keep myself together. I just want this day to be over.

I'm sorry that I have nothing happy or uplifting to write about lately. I wish I could fake it like other people do. I wish I could lie and convince myself that everything's fine, and go on living it. I hope you all can forgive me.

xoxo

New.

J and I got a new place. It's a nice house. I've been busy unpacking for the last three days. I probably won't be completely finished until next week, but that's alright, it gives me something to keep myself occupied.

Today was rough, as far as eating goes. Well, it was rough all around actually. Things with J haven't improved much. He doesn't really notice me at all, unless he's asking me to do something. He doesn't really touch me at all. He doesn't really look at me at all. Last night I wondered if he even remembered what my face looks like...I mean, all the details of it, the color of my eyes, the shape of my nose, the outline of my lips. And then I realized, probably not. And he probably doesn't care. That made me cry. I broke down. I want so badly for him to hold me, and kiss me, and tell me everything will be alright. But he doesn't. The break down from last night continued to manifest itself throughout the day today (as if sobbing last night wasn't enough). I binged and purged. Five times. In about two hours time. I finally calmed myself and stopped eating everything in sight. It was a pretty rough experience overall though. My eyes are puffy, they have broken blood vessels all around them, they burn, my throat is unbelievably sore, my head is pounding, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be in extreme pain in the middle of the night because of the medical problems I now have...all because of purging. Sigh. I do it to myself. I have no one to blame but myself. Not that I would want to blame anyone else...in a way, it'a all a part of my identity. I love it, and hate it. It defines me, its something personal to me, yet I feel ashamed of it, I hide it.

I don't know what my weight is, and its driving me crazy. J doesn't want me to have a scale. We had one before we moved back with my family, but he got rid of it. I really need one. I hate not knowing. I hate not being able to monitor it day by day.

I hope you're all well. You're in my thoughts.

xoxo