Dehydrated.

I wish I was as happy as the girl in that picture. The last 2 days have been horrible. Things were amazing for about 4 days. 4 freaking days. Then everything went down in flames. I haven't had anything to eat since things went bad, and I haven't been drinking either. I have no desire to do anything. I stayed in bed all day yesterday. I can't today, but I want to so badly.

My Mom brought me anti-depressants today. I don't know if it's a life-saver, or a temptation to end it all. I took one this morning, but now it's making me sick since I haven't eaten anything.

Happy Belated Easter to you all.

Good Friday.

I'm hoping that somehow today turns out to be amazing. I'm hoping that somehow, even for just one day, I can forget about my insecurities. I hope I can forget about myself.

"But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
and by his wounds we are healed."

Isaiah 53:5

Answer.

I'm still here. I guess God's response to my prayer is "later", since eventually I will die. We all will. I'm here for a reason, I guess I should try to figure out what that reason is.

I'm watching my niece for another week. It's money, so I'm not complaining. She's adorable anyway, and I love her.

J and I were able to pay off all of our bills with our tax return, but now his car is screwed. Today he's going to look for a new car. I hope he finds one he likes so he'll stop stressing about it. He makes everything tense when he's stressed all the time. I'm trying not to bother him with issues so he can just relax and maybe let go of some of that stress. I keep praying that God will change his heart.

I've had 100 calories so far today. I'm going to try to stay around 500 or less. That used to be my daily routine and it worked really well for me, so I'm going to go back to it. I can't keep purging like I have been, my body just can't take it anymore, and it's painful for me to do.

I hope you're all well.

x

An Honest Prayer.

God, please take me in my sleep. I'm tired of hurting other people. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of seeing the brokenness in the mirror. I'm tired of myself. Every attempt I have made to change has failed. I'm scared and alone, and I'm afraid I'm too much of a coward to continue a life that will never truly be lived. So please, just take me.

Adventures in Babysitting.

This week and next week I'm babysitting my niece from 7am-5:30pm. It's not bad at all. She keeps me distracted from thoughts and food.

I've been planning out my meals ahead of time. I usually don't do that, but I wanted to switch it up. It's easier than I expected. I usually like to just eat what I want and count calories, but I'm finding that I like having it planned and knowing exactly what I can have, avoiding everything else. I don't even really think about other foods. It's kind of what I imagine being a robot would be like. On the menu today: an orange and some soup.

Things between J and I are bad. They were good over the weekend and into the beginning of the week. But yesterday everything went downhill. I was tired, he was irritable...and it was a bad combo. I slept on the couch last night after he told me he wanted to be alone. And he left this morning without saying a word to me. I'm sad, but at the same time, it's kind of become commonplace. I don't really know what to do other than give him space and hope he gets over it soon.

Sorry I haven't been updating that much, I'll try to do better.

x

2:30am...

...And I can't sleep. The last couple of days have been just plain bad, there's no dancing around it. Right now I'm laying on the couch while J is sleeping in the bedroom. I chose to sleep here tonight. I can tell he doesn't want me around, and I can't take it. I can't lay next to someone who despises me and doesn't even try to hide it. All I can do is go off by myself and give him what he wants.

I've been alone this whole time. We don't talk, we don't even sit in the same room anymore. He just wants to be left alone, at least by me. He wants to be around other people, just not me.

Despair sets in.

What can I do to change his mind? What do I have to offer that would convince him to stay? Nothing.

I pray and hope for a miracle. Maybe God will grant me grace.

Hope you're all much better than I am.

x