Worthless

How do you measure the worth of a person? How do you measure the worth of yourself? Most people would say that no human is worth more than another, but I think it depends on who you're asking.

For example, J walks in the house everyday and moves right past me, avoiding me as though I have the plague. He doesn't look at me, touch me, barely speaks to me. To him, I am easily disposable. How could anyone say that I have any worth to him at all? I'm nothing to him. I'm a pest, an afterthought. I could cease to exist and it wouldn't change his life or feelings. At all.

To me, that is the very definition of being worthless...at least to that specific person.

So what do I do with that? How do I even get out of bed in the morning, knowing that the person I adore above all others couldn't care less about me? Nothing I can do will change it. I've tried it all. I feel dead and broken at the same time. My throat is tightening, my eyes burn, my heart sinks.

I want the old J back. I want my best friend, my love, my protector, my safety. I want to be worth something to him.

I purged 3 times today so far. I'll probably keep my dinner down so J won't get mad at me. I pray something changes.