Worthless

How do you measure the worth of a person? How do you measure the worth of yourself? Most people would say that no human is worth more than another, but I think it depends on who you're asking.

For example, J walks in the house everyday and moves right past me, avoiding me as though I have the plague. He doesn't look at me, touch me, barely speaks to me. To him, I am easily disposable. How could anyone say that I have any worth to him at all? I'm nothing to him. I'm a pest, an afterthought. I could cease to exist and it wouldn't change his life or feelings. At all.

To me, that is the very definition of being worthless...at least to that specific person.

So what do I do with that? How do I even get out of bed in the morning, knowing that the person I adore above all others couldn't care less about me? Nothing I can do will change it. I've tried it all. I feel dead and broken at the same time. My throat is tightening, my eyes burn, my heart sinks.

I want the old J back. I want my best friend, my love, my protector, my safety. I want to be worth something to him.

I purged 3 times today so far. I'll probably keep my dinner down so J won't get mad at me. I pray something changes.

5/20/2011

Wow, it's been a while since I last posted. I'm sorry I haven't been around.

Things are pretty boring in my life right now. I'm still going back and forth between purging and restricting. I've lost another 10 pounds. My Mom is pressuring me to see a counselor and she's making me an appointment for sometime in the next couple of weeks. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I want to make my Mom happy, so for now I'll go.

J and I are on shaky ground. We're getting along for the most part, but it's all because of me. He has put no effort into our relationship lately. He snapped at me last night, and I just let it go. I'm so over fighting all the time, I don't have the energy for it. I think it made him feel like an ass though, me being nice despite him being a dick.

Let me know how you're doing. I'll update with thinspo later, I don't really have time right now.

x

5/2/2011

So Saturday was my birthday. I'm 23 now. Woohoo, I guess.

I've been taking the anti-depressants but they make me so sick. I'm supposed to take them with food, which I've been doing, but when I don't eat for the rest of the day I still get as sick as a dog. A few nights ago I actually had to get up in the middle of the night and puke stomach acid. I couldn't control it. I don't like walking around feeling sick all the time, but on the other hand, it keeps me from eating, so I guess it's not all bad.

My Mom asked me if I was taking them, I said yes, and she said she hoped they'd help with my purging. As if that can be cured with a pill. She's very smart, but still naive about a lot of things.

J and I are much better somehow. It's a miracle. The other night we had the best sex ever. It was incredible. He's been sweet and affectionate. I hope it lasts.

Let me know how all of you are doing, I greatly appreciate your comments. You guys keep me going.

x