Saturday, December 7, 2013

Healing Hurts.

Tonight finds me broken. Crying. Hurt.

As all of the distractions I have continually used begin to fall away one by one, I'm left with hollow space. It's empty. There's nothing and no one to fill it.

I've had to grow up so much in the last year. Alone. And its been terrifying yet satisfying at the same time. I focused on ANYTHING but the terrifying part of it all. Unfortunately, when all of the other things to focus on are stripped away, there it lies, waiting for you. And it finally surfaces.

All the fear, worry, loneliness, difficulty, and stress suddenly rushes over me all at once. I've gone through so much. Alone. I had a supportive boyfriend during that time, good friends, and a wonderful treatment team. But the truth is, its hard for me to really be genuine with people. So, inevitably, I trick people into thinking that they know who I am and are close to me...but my reality is very different. I often feel like I don't genuinely connect with anyone because of my inability to be honest and vulnerable. I lose touch with people easily, I flake out on plans with people and lie about the reasons why.

It's lonely. And I don't know how to even begin to be who I really am. I don't even KNOW who I really am. I don't know what makes me happy, I'm never really in touch with what I'm feeling, nor can I articulate it, I have a few hobbies but I don't put very much effort into them because I'm sure I'm awful at them anyway. I don't even know what my personality is really like. All I really know in that area, is that I'm INCREDIBLY stubborn.

I don't know anymore. I'm just alone. And I've always had an aversion to being alone. That's why I've always had to have a boyfriend or some sort of love interest. But I know that I NEED to be alone right now. I just wish it didn't suck so bad. I keep telling myself that this is the first time I've ever really allowed myself to explore and be focused on myself, not someone else, so of course its painful and scary. And much to my dismay, I can't speed up the process.

 Healing takes however long it takes.

I hate to say it, but I still love my bulimia. It's the only form of identity I've ever had.


X.

1 comment:

  1. You got some good insight in here. It's really hard to start building your life all over again when you have nothing to built it on. It can be frustrating but like you said it's also rewarding. Only way you can know is by trying... recovery is like getting sick again, you test it, taste it, play with it, fancy about it and then it just happens with a lot of work.

    xx

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