I moved out!
I'm in my own place, working my own job, driving my own car, paying my own bills.....and it's awesome. I'm loving the freedom, the independence, and the quiet time. I've always been a person that needs "me time". I love being around people, but I also need some time to myself, to unwind for the day.
I'm currently working 40 hours a week, I do my traditional Ashtanga yoga practice every morning (or sometimes evening) 6 days a week, still see my therapist every week, and started seeing a new psychiatrist. Those are the "staple" activities of my week. I also make time to go out with friends, mostly on the weekends, and spend plenty of time with my boyfriend, without being attached to his hip every second.
It's.....refreshing.
It's literally like a breathe of fresh air to be okay on my own. To not be co-dependent, financially dependent, or feel lazy. It's wonderful.
That being said, I am still struggling with the bulimia. I've found myself feeling like my head is going to explode trying to think about what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, etc... That's one part of recovery that I never really grasped. When I was inpatient, the model that was used was "intuitive eating", which can be great, depending on the person and the progression of the eating disorder. I DON'T think it was beneficial for me at all. I mean, I'm bulimic....I don't know what a "normal" portion is. I don't know what "moderate" hunger is supposed to feel like. I don't know where the line is between still hungry and "full". I used to binge and purge 10 times a day or more, and I've never had "normal" eating habits. My body has been fucked with so much that I don't get normal hunger/fullness signals.
There are so many questions....how do I eat a "binge food" in moderation? What IS moderation? What if I feel too full? What if I'm still hungry? Where is the line between too much and too little?
Ugh. I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. I keep going back and forth...some days I'll do nothing but binge and purge. Other days, I don't purge, try to eat in moderation, but I'm always worried in the back of my head about if I've eaten too much. Then there's the issue of my body. I don't love it. I don't like it. I feel trapped in it. I want to lose weight.
Some days, my yoga practice helps me appreciate my body. Other days....not so much. Especially when I kick up into a handstand and am trying to work on balance, but my body won't cooperate for as long as I would like. Sometimes I get mad at my body.
Anyway, that's my updating/rambling/venting session. I will try to update at least 3 times a week from now on! I will be catching up on all of your blogs to see what you've all been up to!
X
It's nice to see you are on your own, independent, working and doing well. You have come sooooo incredibly far since I first started reading your blog. It's really amazing. I really, really hope you can get a handled on the purging so it doesn't spiral. You have so much worth staying well for. : )
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