Sex. It's great, as we all know. But, do you ever really get any fulfillment out of it? Last night was amazing. My fiance is amazing. Best. Sex. Ever. I love his constant and careful attention. He gives me exactly what I want. He always wants to look at my face and tell me he loves me. He gets off when I get off. The way he kisses me, the sounds he makes...it's exactly as I want it, and exactly as he wants it. And yet, afterwards, there's always this empty feeling that creeps in. I suddenly feel distant. And although he just spent a great deal of time making my wants and needs the center of his attention, I suddenly feel as though he cares nothing for me. He really doesn't like me..or love me at all. It's so hard to deal with. And I know he has no idea how to deal with it either. But all of this led me to think about a few things. Is he the problem? Does he make me feel this way? Or am I the problem? This led to a decision:
I've decided that I'm going to try to be normal. Now, I'm fully aware that my ED is something that will never be normal, and it's not something I chose. But, as for the rest of my life...I can at least try. My mind thinks its own crazy thoughts, but there's got to be some way to fight it. And I've decided that my family, my friends, and J, are worth fighting for.
I can't continue to live this way, pushing everyone away. Wallowing in self-pity. I've got get out of this...or I'll die here. Exactly the way I feel, alone. I refuse. It won't end that way. Not as long as I have a say in it. I've been thinking about how selfish I've been. Even though the depression and psychological issues aren't something I can completely control, I can control how I react to them. It will be hard, especially when most days I feel like I'm sinking, and no one is there to pull me up, but I've got to try. I have to pull myself up. I am so blessed to have parents that love each other, and love me, and constantly tell me they're proud of who I am, no matter what. I have friends who pray for me constantly, who listen to me even if they don't understand, and who would drop everything for me if I needed them. And I have a fiance who tries harder than I give him credit for, who loves me despite my insanity, who has exhausted himself trying to make me happy...who I've pushed away. I'm not alone. I've just isolated myself. And I have no one else to blame. So I will try to salvage and hopefully mend the rips and tears in my relationships, stop feeling sorry for myself, and live my life.
I just know the trust issues are going to be the worst part of it though. They always fuck with my head. *Sigh*
I hope you're all doing well. I'll post thinspo later.
xoxo
