I know it's been such a long time, my apologies for that.
Well, updates on things: J and I are looking for an apartment. We were supposed to have our own place a while ago, but that fell through. Haven't been doing much, or going out much, which actually really sucks. For some reason I'm always in the mood to go out and just be away from the house constantly. Other than that, things are pretty normal...well, from the outside. My emotions have been running crazy. And I mean literally crazy. I'm on this kick where I always have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach about J cheating on me. Yet, he lets me look through his phone, his e-mail, his FB, anything I want, and doesn't care at all, unless he thinks I'm accusing him of something. If he thinks that, then he gets upset, and rightly so, because he's not cheating on me. He's just not that guy. So why do I keep trying to catch him being that guy? I obsess over it. Literally. I'll sit for hours and think of every possible scenario of how he could be doing things behind my back, to the point of having a headache and an emotional breakdown. It's like somehow, if I obsess over it, it won't happen. Or I won't be blind to it happening. But all I'm doing is pushing him away and frustrating him. No matter how much I try to stop my thoughts, I can't. I can't just be happy and trust him. I didn't used to be like this. Why couldn't I just be that obsessed with not eating? Then I'd never eat. Ever. It's a compulsion, and I don't know how to control it. I feel desperately exhausted and worried.
I'm still restricting of course. I keep telling myself eventually I'll be happy with myself, and then I won't worry about J cheating because I'll feel confident. I just don't know when that will happen.
I hope you're all doing better than I am.
xoxo
