Last night was complete shit. I felt this compulsion all day to eat, just stuff my face and eat anything and everything in sight. But I fought it. Alllllll day I fought it so hard. I ended up eating about 600 calories...not a fantastic victory, but not a loss either. That was until my boyfriend called me. He's incredible, and nothing but good to me...but I, on the other hand, am a bitch.
Due to my intense desire for food, I found myself in a VERY crappy mood. So I picked a fight. I don't even remember what it was about, nor did I care at the time. I just wanted to be mad at him so I'd have a reason to go all emotional and binge. I just wanted him to let me get off the phone. And he did. And I binged.
It was a MASSIVE binge. The worst I've had in so long. I felt so horrible. And the worst part was, I couldn't purge. My younger sister was still awake, and she would've heard me. Unfortunately, she wouldn't have bought into my excuses either. "I'm sick...I don't feel well..." doesn't work on her. So there was nothing I could do to get rid of it.
And out of nowhere, this overwhelming feeling came over me, and I did something I swore I would NEVER do. I cut myself. I just did it. Without really thinking about it. And afterward, I sat there in awe...I couldn't believe I had just done that. And I still can't believe it. That's something I told myself I would never do, and if any of you really knew me, you'd never think I'd be the type to do it. Not only does it not fit my personality type, but I can't stand the sight of blood. Especially my own. But last night it didn't bother me at all. I'm still amazed and disgusted with myself at the same time.
Anyway....so today I've had 310 calories. And I'm done for the day. I'm going to go apologize to my boyfriend, and try to keep my grumpy ass in line.
Hope you're all doing well. Stay strong.
Thinspo for you:
