Laxies

Yesterday was a purge-fest. My body was so exhausted, so I took some laxatives. I woke up this morning weighing half a pound less than yesterday, so it was worth it. It made my morning. I needed something good after J called me. He asked me for money. I just sat there in silence, listening to him. When he was done talking, all I said was "Is that the only reason you called?". He started mumbling about how he also wanted to know how I was doing, blah blah blah. I just sat there in silence. Finally he said "I'll just call you back later". He hasn't yet, and I doubt he will. He doesn't care how I'm doing, he just needs my help. He's already let me know how much happier he is without me, so I know he doesn't give a shit about me. I'm not giving him money. Period.

I haven't purged today yet, but I haven't had much to eat. I figured I would try restricting today, but I know it probably won't happen. Maybe once my anxiety and depression levels are more under control, then I'll be able to go back to restricting instead of the constant binging and purging. It's really rough on my body, so I'd like to go back and forth a bit...give my throat a break.

I'm trying to keep my mind completely focused on food and weight so I don't have to think about J. I want to be happy with the way I look and be confident. Then I can just say "Fuck you" to J and move on, knowing I'm somewhat happy with myself. I know I'll never be completely happy...that's the problem with this disorder...but I can at least be happier than I am right now.

I hope you're all well.

x

7/5/2011

Lately I've been up and down emotionally and mentally. One minute, I'll be out with my sister and friends and be perfectly fine, enjoying myself....but when I'm alone, I feel like life just isn't worth this pain. I'm struggling through it all, trying to figure things out. I just don't know what to do anymore. J hasn't been talking to me at all, other than to tell me how well he's doing. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that a person I love so much is happier without me.

I'm still binging and purging. I haven't cut myself lately, which is good I suppose. My hair is falling out...my sister mentioned it when she was fixing my hair the other day. I've started taking vitamins, which will hopefully help with that. If you guys have any other good suggestions, please let me know. Physically, I'm doing okay, although I know my body is getting weaker day by day. I can just feel it. Sometimes I get bad migraines, but they don't last for more than a minute or two.

I'm going to start looking for new work soon. In the next month or so. I hope I feel better by then. I have my psychiatrist appointment on the 14th and my therapist on the 11th. I'm nervous about it...I really hope it helps.

Let me know how you're all doing.

x

Sinking

I'm literally dying to be loved. Every bite of food I eat, every time I stick my fingers down my throat...it's a scream. As loudly as I can muster, I'm screaming. For love, for help, for someone to love me because who I am, who I've always been, is enough. Good enough. And I'm screaming because of pain. A pain that never seems to go away. An ache that never dulls. Any relief I find is only temporary. I'm pleading, in my own way, with people. Begging them to see something in me that is enough for them. But every time, it ends the same way. I am thrown away. I'm told time and time again that there's nothing about me that will ever be enough for anyone. And it's devastating. Even more so with each passing moment, each encounter piling up.

I can feel myself giving up. It's a slow process, but I'm fully aware of what's happening. I wake up every morning and try desperately to hold on to life, to pull myself out of the rough waters of doubt and despair...but it seems like everyday I just let go a little more.

I'm sinking.

Where is the hand to pull me up? Where is my life line? Nowhere in sight. I can't see them from here. All I know is the water is rising, and I'm sinking. Soon I will be drowned out completely.

Help.

Update.

I'm living with my parents. Still trying to figure it all out. J and I don't speak very often. I guess he's just completely done. I'm struggling with trying to stay positive about the future, and being quite sad.

My emotions fluctuate alot, especially the last two days. I'm on Prozac, which helps some, but I wish I could just be completely numb.

I'm still binging and purging, even more now that I'm going through all of this. I always feel tired and drained, my hair is falling out. But I don't really care.

I had my sister pierce my cartilage with a sewing needle. The pain actually helped get my mind off of my anxiety...I guess it kind of replaced cutting for one night. I still want to cut. I think about it all the time, especially looking at the scars on my arms.

My outpatient appointments aren't until the second week in July, which sucks....I need to talk to someone now, but I don't have any control over that.

I hope you're all well.

x

On the edge.

J and I are completely over. He's been flirting with other girls. He blocked me on everything I could've contacted him on. He's broken every promise he made.

I feel so abandoned. So hopeless.

I really wish I had never been born. I'm struggling with an intense desire to not exist anymore. Please please pray for me.

Death just looks like the only way out of this right now.

One more shot before we kiss the other side. I'm on the edge of something final we call life.

Crazy House.

Okay, so....

J and I broke up.

But we're seeing where things go. We're starting out as friends, and seeing where our relationship leads...but for now, he needs time to himself, and I need time to figure things out for myself as well.

I'm incredibly sad...but remarkably, I'm okay I think. It might get worse as the days go by...I don't know. For now, I'm just trying to focus on the present, one day at a time.

I just got out of the hospital today after a 5 day stay in the psychiatric unit. My Mom took me to the ER after I cut myself, and asked me to stay until they discharged me. They found out about my ED, I was diagnosed as Bulimic. They attempted to treat that, as well as my self mutilation.

The only really bad thing.....I'm now living with my parents. J asked me to leave (for now, at least), so that we could both have some space between us. I'm trying to fight depression, anxiety, and negativity at every turn. I'm trying to stay calm and be rational. But it's so hard.

I hope you're all well, and you'll be hearing some of my stories from the "crazy house" soon.

x

Crossroads.

Today could be the day it all ends. J and I are going to have that talk tonight. I don't know what he will say. I don't know what I will say. All I know, is I'm tired of being miserable. I'm tired of being ignored, and I'm not going to beg him to stay. I've cried so much over him already, and I don't know what else to do. If he loves me enough, he'll stay. If not, then I suppose I should desire to find someone who would love me that much.

Please pray for me.