Update.

I'm living with my parents. Still trying to figure it all out. J and I don't speak very often. I guess he's just completely done. I'm struggling with trying to stay positive about the future, and being quite sad.

My emotions fluctuate alot, especially the last two days. I'm on Prozac, which helps some, but I wish I could just be completely numb.

I'm still binging and purging, even more now that I'm going through all of this. I always feel tired and drained, my hair is falling out. But I don't really care.

I had my sister pierce my cartilage with a sewing needle. The pain actually helped get my mind off of my anxiety...I guess it kind of replaced cutting for one night. I still want to cut. I think about it all the time, especially looking at the scars on my arms.

My outpatient appointments aren't until the second week in July, which sucks....I need to talk to someone now, but I don't have any control over that.

I hope you're all well.

x

On the edge.

J and I are completely over. He's been flirting with other girls. He blocked me on everything I could've contacted him on. He's broken every promise he made.

I feel so abandoned. So hopeless.

I really wish I had never been born. I'm struggling with an intense desire to not exist anymore. Please please pray for me.

Death just looks like the only way out of this right now.

One more shot before we kiss the other side. I'm on the edge of something final we call life.

Crazy House.

Okay, so....

J and I broke up.

But we're seeing where things go. We're starting out as friends, and seeing where our relationship leads...but for now, he needs time to himself, and I need time to figure things out for myself as well.

I'm incredibly sad...but remarkably, I'm okay I think. It might get worse as the days go by...I don't know. For now, I'm just trying to focus on the present, one day at a time.

I just got out of the hospital today after a 5 day stay in the psychiatric unit. My Mom took me to the ER after I cut myself, and asked me to stay until they discharged me. They found out about my ED, I was diagnosed as Bulimic. They attempted to treat that, as well as my self mutilation.

The only really bad thing.....I'm now living with my parents. J asked me to leave (for now, at least), so that we could both have some space between us. I'm trying to fight depression, anxiety, and negativity at every turn. I'm trying to stay calm and be rational. But it's so hard.

I hope you're all well, and you'll be hearing some of my stories from the "crazy house" soon.

x

Crossroads.

Today could be the day it all ends. J and I are going to have that talk tonight. I don't know what he will say. I don't know what I will say. All I know, is I'm tired of being miserable. I'm tired of being ignored, and I'm not going to beg him to stay. I've cried so much over him already, and I don't know what else to do. If he loves me enough, he'll stay. If not, then I suppose I should desire to find someone who would love me that much.

Please pray for me.

Worthless

How do you measure the worth of a person? How do you measure the worth of yourself? Most people would say that no human is worth more than another, but I think it depends on who you're asking.

For example, J walks in the house everyday and moves right past me, avoiding me as though I have the plague. He doesn't look at me, touch me, barely speaks to me. To him, I am easily disposable. How could anyone say that I have any worth to him at all? I'm nothing to him. I'm a pest, an afterthought. I could cease to exist and it wouldn't change his life or feelings. At all.

To me, that is the very definition of being worthless...at least to that specific person.

So what do I do with that? How do I even get out of bed in the morning, knowing that the person I adore above all others couldn't care less about me? Nothing I can do will change it. I've tried it all. I feel dead and broken at the same time. My throat is tightening, my eyes burn, my heart sinks.

I want the old J back. I want my best friend, my love, my protector, my safety. I want to be worth something to him.

I purged 3 times today so far. I'll probably keep my dinner down so J won't get mad at me. I pray something changes.

5/20/2011

Wow, it's been a while since I last posted. I'm sorry I haven't been around.

Things are pretty boring in my life right now. I'm still going back and forth between purging and restricting. I've lost another 10 pounds. My Mom is pressuring me to see a counselor and she's making me an appointment for sometime in the next couple of weeks. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I want to make my Mom happy, so for now I'll go.

J and I are on shaky ground. We're getting along for the most part, but it's all because of me. He has put no effort into our relationship lately. He snapped at me last night, and I just let it go. I'm so over fighting all the time, I don't have the energy for it. I think it made him feel like an ass though, me being nice despite him being a dick.

Let me know how you're doing. I'll update with thinspo later, I don't really have time right now.

x

5/2/2011

So Saturday was my birthday. I'm 23 now. Woohoo, I guess.

I've been taking the anti-depressants but they make me so sick. I'm supposed to take them with food, which I've been doing, but when I don't eat for the rest of the day I still get as sick as a dog. A few nights ago I actually had to get up in the middle of the night and puke stomach acid. I couldn't control it. I don't like walking around feeling sick all the time, but on the other hand, it keeps me from eating, so I guess it's not all bad.

My Mom asked me if I was taking them, I said yes, and she said she hoped they'd help with my purging. As if that can be cured with a pill. She's very smart, but still naive about a lot of things.

J and I are much better somehow. It's a miracle. The other night we had the best sex ever. It was incredible. He's been sweet and affectionate. I hope it lasts.

Let me know how all of you are doing, I greatly appreciate your comments. You guys keep me going.

x