Friday.

I cannot even begin to describe the hurt I'm feeling right now. Whenever something bad happens, it completely consumes me. I see it everywhere. I see it in other people, in their relationships, in my environment, just...everywhere. I can't escape. I start to loathe people because they're all the same. Is there anyone honest anymore? Is there anyone faithful? Is there anyone who lives their life with integrity? Not just in front of people, but even when they think no one is watching.

I really can't think of many people like that. It's kind of heartbreaking to realize that you have no reason to have faith in people at all. There's no real reason to be close to them. Why waste your time? You're just going to be disappointed in the end.

I have done a multitude of things I'm ashamed of. We're all the same. And it's horrible. Every single human being...it kills me.

Where then, do I put my hope? Not even in myself. I am not the answer. None of us are the answer.

I am completely alone. My parents are acting like freaks...like everything is okay even though everyone knows the truth. My father is a liar. A filthy person. I can't even look at him. My mother is brainwashed by him. My sisters are off in their own little world. It feels like my family has died. I don't even know them anymore. J doesn't talk to me. He doesn't look at me. He says hateful things. He's never there for me, even though I need him. He says I'm always unhappy...but maybe I'd be happier if he actually wanted to be a part of my life. I don't understand how he can't see that. How am I supposed to be happy when the only person I have left won't even look at me? How am I supposed to be happy when he says things that I will never forget, that sting so badly? I carry them around like a burden. I have to wake up everyday knowing I'm alone and not good enough. It replays in my head over and over, and he can't understand why I'm not happy?

All I've ever wanted, from time I was small, was for someone to just hold me and tell me everything would be alright. I don't want complex arguments and understandings. I don't need to be catered to. Just show me you care. Spend time with me. Ask me what I think about things. Listen to what I'm saying.

I wish I didn't exist.