Sick.

So J and I are still together, but we're currently trying to figure out what to do. He suggested that maybe I go stay with my parents for a while. Or that we at least just avoid each other around the house for a while. He said he needs time to get over the past, and miss me.

I'm getting really mixed messages. First, he tells me how unhappy he is. Then he goes and proclaims his undying love for me and desire to be with me...it's just that he's "not happy" and he's "worn out" on all of my issues. I really don't know what to think. Or do.

So I haven't done anything. For the last three days I've just left him alone. We haven't talked much since Thursday when we were discussing our options. I really don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I don't know how I'm supposed to respond. I try to be happy (when I'm distracting myself), but even the slightest thought of our situation makes me feel sick, nervous, anxious, out of control, sad, and hopeless. I haven't really been able to sleep since our "talk" because my mind just races with thoughts constantly. The "what-ifs" are killers.

I analyze everything to death. I can feel the stress of it deteriorating my health. Stomach and chest pains, my hair is falling out, constant headaches, and dizziness. And those things aren't just because of my ED...they've become worse since all of this happened between J and I.

It feels like my entire world is crumbling, and I'm crumbling with it.

My heart aches. It never stops.

Help.

J told me he's not happy. He said this relationship isn't worth it. He said we'd talk about it tomorrow.

I have no words to accurately describe this pain.

I will cease to exist. My heart will never be whole again. No one can survive with a hole so big in their heart. The ache will never subside. And it stings like death.

God please forgive me...but I can't. I would rather die than feel this. I won't eat and I won't drink.

This brokenness is permanent. I'm a billion glass pieces that can't be formed into anything. I am worthless. I am a grave in myself.

He doesn't care.

Friday.

I cannot even begin to describe the hurt I'm feeling right now. Whenever something bad happens, it completely consumes me. I see it everywhere. I see it in other people, in their relationships, in my environment, just...everywhere. I can't escape. I start to loathe people because they're all the same. Is there anyone honest anymore? Is there anyone faithful? Is there anyone who lives their life with integrity? Not just in front of people, but even when they think no one is watching.

I really can't think of many people like that. It's kind of heartbreaking to realize that you have no reason to have faith in people at all. There's no real reason to be close to them. Why waste your time? You're just going to be disappointed in the end.

I have done a multitude of things I'm ashamed of. We're all the same. And it's horrible. Every single human being...it kills me.

Where then, do I put my hope? Not even in myself. I am not the answer. None of us are the answer.

I am completely alone. My parents are acting like freaks...like everything is okay even though everyone knows the truth. My father is a liar. A filthy person. I can't even look at him. My mother is brainwashed by him. My sisters are off in their own little world. It feels like my family has died. I don't even know them anymore. J doesn't talk to me. He doesn't look at me. He says hateful things. He's never there for me, even though I need him. He says I'm always unhappy...but maybe I'd be happier if he actually wanted to be a part of my life. I don't understand how he can't see that. How am I supposed to be happy when the only person I have left won't even look at me? How am I supposed to be happy when he says things that I will never forget, that sting so badly? I carry them around like a burden. I have to wake up everyday knowing I'm alone and not good enough. It replays in my head over and over, and he can't understand why I'm not happy?

All I've ever wanted, from time I was small, was for someone to just hold me and tell me everything would be alright. I don't want complex arguments and understandings. I don't need to be catered to. Just show me you care. Spend time with me. Ask me what I think about things. Listen to what I'm saying.

I wish I didn't exist.

Constantly.

I am constantly hungry. I am constantly stressed. I have constant anxiety. I worry...constantly. I think all the time. Just thinking, thinking, thinking. My mind never shuts off.

All of this is extremely frustrating. And tiring. I wish I could see what it's like to not be compulsive...just for one day. To be relaxed and calm. To have no worries. I bet it's amazing living like that.

I want it. One day.

Apathy.

So I really don't have much to update about. I don't really have anything to say, on here, and in life in general. I've done all the talking I want to do. No one listens, with the exception of those of you who read this blog. I'm always told I'm wrong. I'm always told what I'm doing is stupid. All anyone cares about are flaws.

I'm tired. It's hopeless. What's the point in fighting anymore? I never win anyway.

I'll update later.

I'm a free...

It seems like I updated this blog 2 days ago. But it's been a week. I'm losing track of time apparently.

I have a job interview this week, which makes me nervous. I'm not sure why, exactly....but it is what it is. I'll just be glad when its out of the way.

Still haven't been eating. I get really hungry, but I have no desire to eat anything. Yesterday was bad though, I got really sick and the pain was horrible. I drank two glasses of ice water and my stomach settled a bit.

My mind is all over the place right now.

xoxo

P.S.- I hate change.

Solitaire: 94

Me: 7

Yes. I've played 101 games of Solitaire total, and I've only won 7. It's true, unfortunately. I feel really stupid, but at the same time it's pretty funny. 94 to 7...that's beyond bad. It's laughable. But I have a theory: I think I always lose because the only time I actually play it is when I'm upset and I'm thinking about other things while I'm playing, so I don't really pay attention.

Yeah. We'll go with that excuse.

Today I talked to my best friend. For 316 minutes exactly. She lives in a different state so I don't get to see her on a regular basis, but I'm glad I got to talk to her all day. She talked me through alot of the things going on in my head. She knows exactly how I feel about everything. We're pretty much the same person. I met her when I was 15, and while I was restricting at the time, she was bulimic. She's been through it all. I think that's why we instantly connected and have stayed best friends since. She's recovered now, which is great, and I'm really happy for her. And I love that I can still be honest with her about everything and know she's not going to look down on me for it because she's been there. She understands. It's nice to have a friend like that.

J and I are in the middle of war. Over really stupid things, obviously. It's been a bad week and we're both stressed. Sometimes I want to strangle him...but I'm sure he feels that more often about me than I do him. He's so moody, and I'm so over it. He gets mad at me if I look at him the wrong way. I suppose all of the stress has caused age regression...to like 6. I just want him to be genuinely happy. I don't want to argue anymore. It's exhausting, and I'm tired. So as of now, I forfeit. I quit. I have no desire to answer his snide remarks anymore. So I just...won't.

I've stopped binging and purging. I've stopped eating altogether. I just don't feel like doing it anymore. I constantly have thoughts in my head to deal with...when do I have time to eat? I don't even think about it. Too many other things to worry about.

Today I looked at myself in the mirror, and for the first time in a long time I could see a change in my face. A major change. Everyone has said that I look like a different person for a while now, but I never noticed until now. I'm not sure how I feel about it. To be honest, I don't really care right now.

I hope you're all well.

Uh oh.

Looks like I've got a few critics. There comes a time in every ED blogging journey that you have to make a post like this. So...here it goes.

1. I genuinely appreciate any concern expressed in regards to my health. It's a nice thing when people have enough compassion and respect for human life to inform people that they're killing themselves. It's a sign of life that you don't see very often anymore. Everyone is too afraid to tell the truth for fear of offending someone. So for that, I applaud your comments.

2. I'm very much aware of all of the health risks associated with my eating disorder. I'm also very aware that I do, in fact, have an eating disorder...hence the reason I created this blog, which leads me to my next two points.

3. I'll assume you probably haven't read many of my other posts, otherwise you wouldn't have indicated that you believe this site "promotes eating disorders to young girls". Since you haven't, let me make this crystal clear: I DO NOT believe eating disorders are anything other than what they are- serious illnesses. They are not a "lifestyle choice" or a "diet" or a "quick way to lose weight". In fact, I try not to post too much information or details of my eating disorder to prevent any young girl from stumbling upon my blog thinking that what I do is any of the things previously listed. That was totally a run-on sentence. But I digress. Those who truly suffer from eating disorders understand what I'm talking about without having to go into much detail. Others will eventually get frustrated or bored with my posting and go elsewhere to find "tips&tricks" on "how to become ana", as if it were possible. Anyone who would ever want to be anorexic is incredibly naive and has no idea what they're talking about. I would never wish an ED on anyone. Not even my worst enemy, if I had one other than myself.

4. This blog is written, not to encourage eating disorders, but to encourage those who suffer from them. Not that you would know, but having an eating disorder is incredibly lonely. People don't understand why it is that I do what I do. It's not as simple as "change your eating habits". There is much more that feeds into the disorder, and analyzing it should really be left up to the professionals who work diligently with those who suffer. This blog is about letting others know they're not alone. And sometimes, that's just the sort of thing that can help someone when nothing else can.

We are a community. One that is shifting and separating. Those who truly suffer are removing themselves from the prospect of becoming some sort of unintentional "mentor" to 14 year old girls who desperately want attention. We take every precaution we can in trying to isolate our blogs and websites from those girls. We are open and honest about what we go through, and warn against it every chance we get.

Thank you for your comments & giving me the chance to write this post. I hope it made things clearer for everyone, including those who read my blog regularly.