Gag me.

Today I went to my parents' house while J was at work. It was a strange experience. My father, despite "reconciling" with my mother, is still acting like a very selfish 5 year old. He basically warned me that if I take J for granted he's going to cheat on me and leave me and it will be all my fault.

Yeah. That makes sense. Because men, who are supposed to be leaders and protectors, who are called to dignity, integrity, and honesty should TOTALLY be permitted to act like man-whores if they don't get what they want. Grats on being a douchebag, Dad. Grats.

You know what that is? It's breeding a culture of abuse.

Fuck that. If J ever told me that, I'd show him the door with my middle finger in the air. I'm not pathetic enough to put up with that shit. But luckily I don't have to worry about that with J. At least for now.

Anyway....

I've been eating two meals a day, and purging them. I've lost 10 more pounds in four weeks' time. Not bad I guess, but I can do better. And I will. Being pissed off at people helps me do better....strangely. Whatever works, I'm not complaining.

I hope you're all well.

xoxo

Valentine.

Valentine's Day was good. Just good. Not great, not bad. Nothing special happened, J and I just spent time together. We didn't even have sex. He told me he wasn't feeling well. My guess is I'm just that disgusting.

The previous 3 days I have been sick. Not a virus or anything, just severe stomach pain, dehydration, and the inability to keep anything down. I know it wasn't a virus because I wasn't contagious. I slept next to J, kissed him, etc... and he's been fine. I think it's an ulcer, and my Mom seems to agree.

I felt fine yesterday and today, although I still have some stomach pain. I'm hoping I'll be completely well by the weekend. I think J and I are supposed to go have a big "dinner thing" at my Parents' house this weekend with my sister, her boyfriend, and some other family friends they invited. I don't think J will want to go, he never likes doing that sort of thing. It's second nature to me. I grew up with alot of people around all the time. J loves people, he just hates doing nothing but talking...he always has to be doing something.

I hope you all had amazing valentines this year (and it doesn't necessarily have to mean a significant other).

xoxo

2/11/2011

Sorry I haven't been updating as much, I've just been kind of busy with my Parents' situation and J.

Last night I thought I was having a heart attack. The horrible stomach and heart pain has returned. It's been a while since the first time it happened so I kind of thought I was in the clear. But I guess my Mom was right...it really is some sort of long term problem resulting from my ED. Lovely. I was up until 1 am in pain...it started at around 7pm. I can take pain pretty well, but constant, horrible pain for HOURS that nothing will relieve...that's rough for me. J kept asking me if I wanted him to take me to the hospital, but of course I said no. That's the last place I want to go right now. I know what they'll say.

I woke up feeling better. A little sore from it all for some reason, but alive.

I've been purging everything I eat, but I don't binge. I eat what would be considered a "normal" amount of food throughout the day, and purge. But I keep my dinner down, and try to limit it to 300 calories. I can't purge that because J would hear me and get pissed.

It's been pretty easy. I just don't think about it that much.

I hope you're all well, and I'll update with something more interesting later.

xoxo

2/8/2011

So I've been restricting to about 200 calories for the last few days. It's been pretty easy considering I walk around with a sick feeling all day.

My Dad paid my a visit the other day. He brought me a book of sheet music from Carole King's album "Tapestry". It was an original, so it would have been cool except he told me he got it from his ex-wife, who he's been fantasizing about behind my Mom's back, and has been pursuing her like a fucking creeper the last couple of weeks.

I want to burn the book.

I want to do it right in front of him and say "Fuck you. And fuck her," but he'd probably get a kick out of that because he probably already has fucked her lately. Cheating, lying, nasty asshole. He's been flirting with women all over Facebook, took pics of my Mom off of it, and removed his marital status from his profile. I hate him right now. I hate Facebook. I read somewhere that a significant percentage of divorces filed recently have been because of infidelity that had something to do with Facebook, and the number keeps rising. That's fucked up. Our society is shit. Seriously. Who is pathetic enough to flirt with idiots on Facebook? This is why people suck, and I put absolutely no hope in humanity. None. All we care about is getting what we want, when we want it.

I used to have that problem...and then I turned 5. And eventually grew up.

Toddlers. They're all toddlers. Including my own father. It makes me sick.

I sincerely hope he's miserable for the rest of his life. I hope he fails at everything he does. I hope every dirty little secret he's been hiding gets exposed to the entire world. I hope he falls from his "victim pedestal" he's put himself on. I wish I could fucking push him off of it.

Okay. I'm done ranting about that for today.

I hope you're all well.

xoxo