Change Change Change!

So sorry it's taken me so long to post! Things have changed so much in the last few months! I went for inpatient treatment (as most of you know), I was there for almost 10 weeks....and it changed my life. I've learned that I am loved, I have worth, and I can make my life whatever I want it to be. I still struggle day to day , and I've had a couple of purging episodes, but the foundation of recovery isn't built on perfection, and I'm okay with where I'm at. I didn't return home after a grueling family therapy session that ended with my Dad walking out with my younger sister. Seeing my family through a mentally-healthy lens was a big shock. I won't go into the details of that in this post, but I'll write about it sometime in the near future. I've started doing yoga. I don't get into all of the spirituality of it, but the poses and movements calm and quiet my mind. I've moved to more advanced asanas (poses), and the physical challenge really stays with me in everyday life. I feel good about my will and determination in recovery and health, as well as happiness. I feel at rest. I feel as though I've taken a much needed sigh of relief after years of holding my breath. I'll still be posting here, but it will more recovery-focused and an open record of my struggles and successes. I'll be posting more later, but for now, I hope that all of you will take the time to consider what your life is worth. Know that you are so loved. Your support means the world to me. X

I'm back...

I'll be posting VERY soon!

X

Packing.

Alright so, I'm almost done packing for my 9 week stay. I'm nervous and anxious. I'm scared honestly.

Last time I saw J I told him that I was leaving. He said he wanted to see me again before I go. I've tried calling him. No answer. He doesn't give a shit. And that makes me want to go even more. I want to leave and come back with barely a memory of him. I want to be excited about MY life, and not even think about him. I want to cut him out of me completely.

My family and I are leaving tomorrow afternoon, so this will be my last post until I return. I love you all, you've been so amazing to me through everything. Your support means the world to me.

See you on the other side.

x

1/1/12

Happy New Year everyone.

I'm being admitted on the 10th. I won't be able to post while I'm there, but I will as soon as I get back.

Thank you all for your support and love, it means the world to me. I'll keep posting until I leave.

x

Last Meeting...

with my therapist until I return from residential. I still have time to back out. I'm nervous and anxious.

I want to be normal. I don't want to hurt anymore.

X

Me, I'm a creator...

...thrill is to make it up.

I've done assessments with two different residential eating disorder clinics. Went today and had blood drawn for labs, an EKG, and vitals. I could be admitted as early as the end of the week according to my doctor. But I'm pretty sure I'm going to be waiting until the first of the year at least. I want to spend Christmas with my family.

So I guess I'm really doing this. I'm scared. And anxious. And I feel like I'm not "sick" enough to be going. I told my therapist that, and she said that's what everyone says, and that she, and my nutritionist, wouldn't have recommended it if I didn't need it.

I don't know. I'm nervous. And tired.

I slept with J again. I don't know why. I just wanted to get laid I guess. This time was different though. He kissed me. A lot. I don't like that. It brings up too many feelings, it's too personal. I just feel dead inside.

x

Reality sets in.

"There are some other financial options if, for some reason, your insurance wouldn't come through. Sometimes churches will help out with this sort of thing."

"I know, but I feel guilty for asking for that. I mean, there are the homeless and poor who need that money. There are people out there who can't eat..."

My therapist interrupts my Mother quickly, but gently, "But that's where she is." She points to me. "She can't feed herself. This is life and death. She can't eat." I hear the urgency and compassion in her voice, see it in her eyes. She repeats herself, motioning to me as if placing her hand over my heart from across the room, "She can't eat."

Tears well up. I feel truly helpless for the first time... ever. And there it is. The truthfulness of the situation is exposed. There's nothing for me to hide behind, nothing to cover it up.

It hurts. It stings.

I've fought for years to gain control over my life, my emotions, my head, my body...and the reality is, I can't even feed myself now. I've worked so hard trying to pretend to be grown up. "Yeah, I've got it all together. I'm fine. Leave me alone." All the while, I've been spiraling down, deeper into despair, doubt, hopelessness, fear, anger, sadness...reverting back years and years. I'm an infant. The most simple task has become too difficult.

I bow my head and stare at my feet. Shame overtakes me. How could this happen? How did I get here? Why am I hurting this badly...to cause me to literally become a scared child?

My dietitian and therapist continue the conversation with my Mother. I see in her eyes some enlightenment after that statement. She's beginning to understand. She reaches over and puts her hand on mine.

________________________________________________________

They recommended with urgency a residential stay for me. They said that my chances for recovery are extremely low if I don't get the proper level of care for the severity of my ED. They estimated 5-7 or more years for complete recovery. It's such a long climb up a mountain that seems impossible to scale.

And I'm ambivalent.

After the assessment appointment with my Mom, the reality of my situation has become clear, and there's a stirring in me....for normalcy, for health and happiness. But I'm holding on so tight to my ED. It's been there for me when no one else was. It got me through so many things. I don't know that I would even be here without it. How could I betray something that is so much a part of who I am?

I'm torn. I'm broken and sad.

My Mom has decided to take their advice and look into some of the facilities they suggested.

"Everything is going to be alright. We need to get you well."

Ultimately, I have to make the choice.

x