"I wish you were handicapped...

...so we could get better parking." Isn't my sister lovely? She's certainly a piece of work.

I'm sorry I've been away for so long. After moving, starting a new job, and getting settled, things are finally starting to calm down. I haven't been restricting, instead I've been eating and eating, and vomiting until I dry heave. My throat is sore, my eyes are puffy, but I'm okay for the most part. I've gotten used to throwing up. I used to not be able to stand throwing up. It used to be painful and hard. Now it's become second nature. I've cut twice since I moved back home.

J is incredibly happy here, but me, not so much. I abandoned this place for hope of freedom, and yet, here I am. Everyone in my family thinks it's funny to make jokes about my need for control over my own life. That's fine. Keep laughing. Keep tearing at me.

Of course, if I were to say that to them, they would laugh and call me crazy. They don't understand the fact that the things they say affect me quite differently than what they may intend. And I'm the one who needs to change...I'm the one who needs to "lighten up" instead of them being more sensitive to the way my mind works and the issues I have. I'll just keep my mouth shut. There's nothing else I can do. I'm tired of being looked at like a freak. I am who I am. Just because my mind processes things differently doesn't mean that I'm wrong. The situation calls for sensitivity and conversation on both sides, but all I ever hear is "You're wrong. That's NOT the way things are." Bullshit. That IS the way things are if it's real to me. And if it's not, then convince me. HELP ME believe it. Otherwise, just leave me alone.

I'm not working this week, so I'm stuck at home with food all day. I eat, and throw up. Eat, throw up. I'm tired and drained, but I keep a smile on my face, I keep going. "I can get through this day," I tell myself, only to realize that tomorrow will be exactly the same.

I'm trying to be happy, I really am, but I don't know how. Keep faking it, maybe one day it will become reality.

I wish I were free.

Moving.

J and I are moving back to where my family lives.

Shoot me now.

I'll update later.

xoxo

What's wrong with me?

The disease of self runs through my blood, it's a cancer fatal to my soul. Every attempt on my behalf has failed to bring this sickness under control. What's going on inside me? I despise my own behavior...

Honesty becomes me, telling secrets that did run me. Pride has no position, the fame that once did cover me, has been sentenced to this Earth.

All I want is to be in the light.

I realize...

...I'm just a body. I need life.

Please God,

kill me.

Sex and Sinking

Sex. It's great, as we all know. But, do you ever really get any fulfillment out of it? Last night was amazing. My fiance is amazing. Best. Sex. Ever. I love his constant and careful attention. He gives me exactly what I want. He always wants to look at my face and tell me he loves me. He gets off when I get off. The way he kisses me, the sounds he makes...it's exactly as I want it, and exactly as he wants it. And yet, afterwards, there's always this empty feeling that creeps in. I suddenly feel distant. And although he just spent a great deal of time making my wants and needs the center of his attention, I suddenly feel as though he cares nothing for me. He really doesn't like me..or love me at all. It's so hard to deal with. And I know he has no idea how to deal with it either. But all of this led me to think about a few things. Is he the problem? Does he make me feel this way? Or am I the problem? This led to a decision:

I've decided that I'm going to try to be normal. Now, I'm fully aware that my ED is something that will never be normal, and it's not something I chose. But, as for the rest of my life...I can at least try. My mind thinks its own crazy thoughts, but there's got to be some way to fight it. And I've decided that my family, my friends, and J, are worth fighting for.

I can't continue to live this way, pushing everyone away. Wallowing in self-pity. I've got get out of this...or I'll die here. Exactly the way I feel, alone. I refuse. It won't end that way. Not as long as I have a say in it. I've been thinking about how selfish I've been. Even though the depression and psychological issues aren't something I can completely control, I can control how I react to them. It will be hard, especially when most days I feel like I'm sinking, and no one is there to pull me up, but I've got to try. I have to pull myself up. I am so blessed to have parents that love each other, and love me, and constantly tell me they're proud of who I am, no matter what. I have friends who pray for me constantly, who listen to me even if they don't understand, and who would drop everything for me if I needed them. And I have a fiance who tries harder than I give him credit for, who loves me despite my insanity, who has exhausted himself trying to make me happy...who I've pushed away. I'm not alone. I've just isolated myself. And I have no one else to blame. So I will try to salvage and hopefully mend the rips and tears in my relationships, stop feeling sorry for myself, and live my life.

I just know the trust issues are going to be the worst part of it though. They always fuck with my head. *Sigh*

I hope you're all doing well. I'll post thinspo later.

xoxo

The Same, but Different

So, as you can read from the previous post, yesterday was my birthday. And though I had attempted to have a good day...it just didn't happen. I have never felt so completely and utterly alone and worthless. I feel nothing but anxiety. It's suffocating me. I feel as though the world would be a much better place if I went somewhere far, far away and just lived alone for the rest of my life.

I don't mean to sound emo. I am completely sincere. No self-pity, no crying...just fact.

To those of you who share in this same painful disease, this self-inflicted torture we live in day to day, just know you're not alone. I'm right there with you. We are the same, friend.

I thought I would post something a little different for thinspo today:

I truly wish for all of you what I haven't been able to find- solace. And sleep.

xoxo