Friday Night.

I'm at work, getting ready to leave with a few of my co-workers to grab some dinner and drinks. I'm so glad this week is over, it's been crazy at work, and crazy at home. I've felt very chaotic lately. My place even looks chaotic. Clothes thrown everywhere, my bed is never made, my garbage can is completely full, my pantry is disheveled and there are empty boxes/bags still left in there. Ugh, its a mess. I guess that will be my Saturday....cleaning.

I've been doing better about getting up early to practice....as long as I go to bed on time. It's like, as soon as I actually get in bed, I WAKE UP. It's ridiculous. But my practice is getting better. Slowly but surely. I hate having to wait for things to happen.

As far as food goes, I'm again, chaotic and all over the place. Some days I do fine and eat "clean" and feel good. Some days I binge and purge. Some days I eat things that don't make me feel good, but don't purge. I don't have a game plan, a meal plan, or even a shopping list. I don't know where to start. I hate to admit it....but I think I need a dietitian again.

Anyway, I'm off for drinks! I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend.

X

7/21/2013

Just finished my Primary Series practice. I'm tired, but I feel good. I can tell I made quite a bit of process by the way my muscles are already starting to feel. The "full" practice of Ashtanga is done 6 days a week, with Saturdays off. I'm working up to that, but right now I'm at 4 or 5 days a week. Traditionally you do the practice early in the morning before sunrise, but I find it ridiculously difficult to get myself up that early, even if I've had a full 8 hours of sleep throughout the night. In fact, I have issues waking up at all! I think I have thyroid issues, but no doctor has ever said anything about it, even when I've had labs done (multiple times). I don't know...My psychiatrist prescribed Trazodone to help me fall asleep, but I'm terrified to take any sort of med that induces sleep because it's nearly impossible for me to wake up on them, so I haven't actually taken it.

Anyway, as far as food....I've done pretty well with just eating when I'm hungry and not binging or purging. The problem is, I still don't know WHAT to eat, or how much to eat. It's frustrating, and sometimes it makes me feel so crazy. I hate cooking, I despise it....but I'm trying. I'm trying to navigate my way through this whole recovery mess. Right now, that's exactly what it is. A mess. Maybe I'll post some of the recipes I try.

I hope all is well with all of you out there.

X

Love the transformation of this girl <3 p="">

7/14/2013

So sorry for the lapse in posting...particularly for the last year >.<

 I moved out!

 I'm in my own place, working my own job, driving my own car, paying my own bills.....and it's awesome. I'm loving the freedom, the independence, and the quiet time. I've always been a person that needs "me time". I love being around people, but I also need some time to myself, to unwind for the day.

I'm currently working 40 hours a week, I do my traditional Ashtanga yoga practice every morning (or sometimes evening) 6 days a week, still see my therapist every week, and started seeing a new psychiatrist. Those are the "staple" activities of my week. I also make time to go out with friends, mostly on the weekends, and spend plenty of time with my boyfriend, without being attached to his hip every second.

It's.....refreshing.

It's literally like a breathe of fresh air to be okay on my own. To not be co-dependent, financially dependent, or feel lazy. It's wonderful.

That being said, I am still struggling with the bulimia. I've found myself feeling like my head is going to explode trying to think about what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, etc... That's one part of recovery that I never really grasped. When I was inpatient, the model that was used was "intuitive eating", which can be great, depending on the person and the progression of the eating disorder. I DON'T think it was beneficial for me at all. I mean, I'm bulimic....I don't know what a "normal" portion is. I don't know what "moderate" hunger is supposed to feel like. I don't know where the line is between still hungry and "full". I used to binge and purge 10 times a day or more, and I've never had "normal" eating habits. My body has been fucked with so much that I don't get normal hunger/fullness signals.

There are so many questions....how do I eat a "binge food" in moderation? What IS moderation? What if I feel too full? What if I'm still hungry? Where is the line between too much and too little?

Ugh. I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. I keep going back and forth...some days I'll do nothing but binge and purge. Other days, I don't purge, try to eat in moderation, but I'm always worried in the back of my head about if I've eaten too much. Then there's the issue of my body. I don't love it. I don't like it. I feel trapped in it. I want to lose weight.

Some days, my yoga practice helps me appreciate my body. Other days....not so much. Especially when I kick up into a handstand and am trying to work on balance, but my body won't cooperate for as long as I would like. Sometimes I get mad at my body.

Anyway, that's my updating/rambling/venting session. I will try to update at least 3 times a week from now on! I will be catching up on all of your blogs to see what you've all been up to!

X

It's been a long week...

I'm struggling. I'm bingeing and purging, or sometimes just purging, about twice a day, sometimes more. I'm tired, and starting to get those old chest and stomach pains that I used to have.

Today in particular was pretty rough. It started off as a pretty bad body image day to begin with, then I got some bad financial news while I was at work, so I got pretty stressed (and still am), and when I got home, I decided to work on my handstands in yoga. That DID NOT go as planned. I ended up in a ball on the floor crying about how my body won't balance in inversions because I'm too fat.

And then I purged dinner.

Tomorrow I'm taking a half day at work. I have some errands to run, and I'm seeing my therapist around noon. Maybe shaking up my "routine" a bit will help with the urges.

I'm counting down the days until I move out. I'm so excited about having my privacy back and my own space.

X

Back.

Hey everyone, I'm back. Officially. Some things have changed. First of all, I'm having a bit of a relapse. I've been bingeing and purging for the last couple of weeks multiple times a day again. I recently got a new job, a real job, 40 hours a week, 8-5 Monday through Friday....and I love it! The only bad thing about it, is the freedom it gives me. I get an hour for lunch, which I spend bingeing and purging, and the money I make is awesome, but I spend a lot of it on binge food. I finally got my own car too. And literally just found a place of my own this weekend. I'm excited about those things, but I'm also worried about spiraling downward. My therapist talked to me a bit about how our natural reaction to ANY emotion, is our eating disorder....even good things, happy things. I'm finding this to be completely true. My experience in treatment hasn't been the greatest either. Inpatient was....fine, I guess. Good, you could say. The residential facility I've been at for the last year....not so much. I've had absolutely NO privacy, the girls I've been in treatment with are just....well, I probably shouldn't say much about that right now....but it's been difficult, to say the least. I'll be moving into my own place on my 25th birthday, April 30th. I CANNOT wait. Anyway, let me know how you've all been doing! I'll be updating regularly. X

An Update & "Labels"

I think I'm finally at a place where I can start posting here regularly again. This blog will continue to be about my random musings...my struggle with bulimia and self-injury, my recovery, and my lifestyle.


The first thing to change about my lifestyle in recovery was my way of thinking about food...and I don't just mean eating it and keeping it down. At the treatment center I went to, they practiced intuitive eating. It entails simple things like recognizing hunger/fullness signals, not counting calories/fat/carbs/etc...but really listening to what your body needs, and how much it needs. But it also includes a way of thinking about food I had never heard before: that, despite what other people tell you, there is no "good" or "bad" food. No food is "bad" in moderation...if you enjoy it, have it. Not as a binge, not as a reward for restricting so well...but simply have it. Because you enjoy it. Ideas like that really mess with the disordered view of black and white about food.


I still find myself struggling with this concept. Especially now, in recovery, as I have become what others call a "yogi", I find myself still bombarded with the thoughts of "good" and "bad" when it comes to food. I'm very much into yoga. It has been, and still is essential to my recovery. I practice every single day. As I move into difficult postures and poses, it really gives me a sense of gratitude for my body. That, I can do physically AND mentally challenges things with my body, after all of the abuse I put it through, is an outright miracle. And at the end of every practice, I meditate on that, at times finding myself in tears, feeling overwhelmingly grateful for the grace God has given me...even in the physical sense. But as much peace as the physical practice of yoga brings me, I can't bring myself to agree with some of the other aspects of the "yoga lifestyle". First of all, I'm not into any eastern mysticism or religion, I'm a Christian, and those views haven't changed. I don't believe its "wrong" to eat meat. I don't believe everything I eat needs to be "organic" or "vegan", and that anything other than those things are going to wreck your body...or the environment. I have a difficult time with restrictions of any kind when it comes to food. It's a slippery slope of disordered behaviors that creep their way in slowly and quietly. I've taken notice of those same thought patterns infiltrating our society. Commercial after commercial of "low fat", "low calorie", "whole", "all natural", "healthy". I don't think there's anything wrong with any of those foods...but to pit them against every other food is....well, in a way, disordered.


To combat this, my dietitian asked me to start using two different categories for food other than "good" and "bad". She asked me to view foods as either "supportive for my recovery" or "non-supportive for my recovery". Are low-fat, low-calorie foods supportive for recovery? No. They encourage the need to lose weight, to be fearful of being "fat", distortions of the eating disorder.


So that's where I'm at right now. Fighting the battle with "labels" about food. The mind is a difficult thing to re-train.


Instead of posting "thinspo", I'm going to post a picture of a yoga pose I nailed today during my practice: Parsva Bakasana, "Side Crow Pose". It's taken A LOT of discipline and hard work to get here, and I'm proud of myself :)

Change Change Change!

So sorry it's taken me so long to post! Things have changed so much in the last few months! I went for inpatient treatment (as most of you know), I was there for almost 10 weeks....and it changed my life. I've learned that I am loved, I have worth, and I can make my life whatever I want it to be. I still struggle day to day , and I've had a couple of purging episodes, but the foundation of recovery isn't built on perfection, and I'm okay with where I'm at. I didn't return home after a grueling family therapy session that ended with my Dad walking out with my younger sister. Seeing my family through a mentally-healthy lens was a big shock. I won't go into the details of that in this post, but I'll write about it sometime in the near future. I've started doing yoga. I don't get into all of the spirituality of it, but the poses and movements calm and quiet my mind. I've moved to more advanced asanas (poses), and the physical challenge really stays with me in everyday life. I feel good about my will and determination in recovery and health, as well as happiness. I feel at rest. I feel as though I've taken a much needed sigh of relief after years of holding my breath. I'll still be posting here, but it will more recovery-focused and an open record of my struggles and successes. I'll be posting more later, but for now, I hope that all of you will take the time to consider what your life is worth. Know that you are so loved. Your support means the world to me. X