Broken.

Thank you all for your comments, it helps so much to read them and remember that I'm not so alone after all.

Last night was horrible. My Dad went off on me after I purged. He told me I have an "evil spirit", that I'm selfish, that if I die he would curse me every day for the rest of his life, threatened to force me into a treatment facility, and then just said he doesn't want me here anymore if I can't stop immediately. I tried to tell him that eating disorders don't work that way, that you don't just wake up one morning and not do it anymore. He said he knows all about it since he has a counseling degree, and that I should be able to just stop. It's laughable. He knows nothing of it. Later my Mom tried to talk to me. I explained to her that having this disorder is hell, I bawled right in front of her, telling her how I wish every single day that I had a normal relationship with food and my body. I told her about the emotional and mental pain it causes, and how it's not just about food anymore, it has it's roots in other issues. I tried my best to explain it to her, and she was more understanding than my Dad was...but then again, she always is. She's usually the voice of reason in the midst of my Dad's craziness.

I feel so broken. I lost my house, my fiance, my dog, a lot of my belongings, and now my family...when I need them most. I've lost everything. I keep reaching out for help, and no one will help me. J is heartless, cold, and distant toward me, now my family wants me out and I have nowhere to go. I feel like I have no motivation to live. I feel dead already.

The only good news I have is that I lost another pound. It's really my only comfort right now. I'm more dependent on my ED right now than I've ever been. It's my solace. Everyone is pushing me toward it more everyday.

I hope you're all doing much better than I am.

x

You're giving me a breakdown.

I'm having chest pains this morning, so I'm skipping church.

Yesterday was a bad day. I had a dream about J, which ruined the entire day. I tried to forget about it, but it stirred up all of the emotions that I've been running from. I hate that I can't control what I dream about. I had crying spells all day, the worst being after a particularly bad binge and painful purge episode. I broke down and cried on the bathroom floor, I begged for help. I went back upstairs and wanted to cut, but I didn't. I called a friend instead. I still feel some leftover anxiety from yesterday, but I'm trying to control my thoughts and not get carried away with emotion like I did.

Emotions are deceitful, at best.

As of right now, all I want to do is sit in silence and slowly waste away. I want to bear the image on the outside of the pain I feel on the inside. I especially want J to cringe the next time he sees me. I want him to look at me and instantly feel his heart drop. I want him to know how he's made me feel. I want him to feel like the jerk he is for the way he treated me all those months and now acting as if I don't matter at all. I'm not good enough for him to even converse with, I was never good enough. I want him to see the crippling pain on the outside and then I'll ask him, "Am I good enough now?" I want him to see the reflection of his hatefulness in my bones. I hope it crushes him the way he crushed me.

But who am I kidding? I doubt he would even care. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. It's a cruel game he plays.

I wish I could find the others like myself that live where I do. Having a friend close by that I can share everything with would be lovely. No matter how much I get along with other friends, there's still a wall that separates us...a wall of secrets that they wouldn't understand.

Anxiety level today: 8

Please keep me in your thoughts today, and I'll do the same for you.

x

Shrunk.

Anxiety level so far today: 4

Pretty good today I think. I finally met with my psychiatrist for the first time today. Everything went fine, he upped my dosage of Prozac and just talked to me for a bit. While we were discussing the cutting, he mentioned something that made me think a bit. He talked about how there was a tribe of Indians that used to cut themselves, mainly as a way of saying "Look what I did to myself. You think you can hurt me?" He went on to compare that to me. I found it interesting. He wants to see me again next week, which I thought was a bit odd. Usually shrinks give you a prescription and then expect to see you back in a month.

I'm excited for tomorrow. I'm going out for the entire night and having as much fun as possible. I need that right now.

Now I'm off to catch up on all of your blogs, sorry it's been so long.

x

Homework

I had my first therapy session yesterday evening. I actually like my therapist, she seemed lovely. She gave me "homework" to do this week until our next appointment, and the first thing I'm supposed to do is rate my anxiety level for today, with 1 being "I'm fine", and 10 being "I want to jump out of my skin". Today's rating: 9.

I saw J yesterday as well. Everything went fine, but I had to give him my dog. My family didn't want another dog around the house, so he agreed to take her so I could still see her from time to time. I also had to pick up a few things from the house, but my anxiety was through the roof the entire time I was there. I was physically shaking, and couldn't control it. After I got home, I completely broke down. I just have a hard time accepting that after all we've been through, he acts like I never existed. But maybe I never did. That's what it always felt like anyway.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I just want to hide away.

x

7/10/11

I went to a birthday party tonight. It was nice to hang out with people and not think about J for a while.

My throat has been in bad shape all day. It feels like I'm being chocked constantly. It's like my throat is refusing to swallow, and every time I try, it's incredibly painful. I assume it's from all the purging. Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow.

Emotionally, I'm a bit more stable than I have been, but I'm still sad. There's still an ache, a constant pain that won't go away. I hope I can get past all of this quickly and painlessly. I've been hurt enough as it is.

Love you guys

x

Laxies

Yesterday was a purge-fest. My body was so exhausted, so I took some laxatives. I woke up this morning weighing half a pound less than yesterday, so it was worth it. It made my morning. I needed something good after J called me. He asked me for money. I just sat there in silence, listening to him. When he was done talking, all I said was "Is that the only reason you called?". He started mumbling about how he also wanted to know how I was doing, blah blah blah. I just sat there in silence. Finally he said "I'll just call you back later". He hasn't yet, and I doubt he will. He doesn't care how I'm doing, he just needs my help. He's already let me know how much happier he is without me, so I know he doesn't give a shit about me. I'm not giving him money. Period.

I haven't purged today yet, but I haven't had much to eat. I figured I would try restricting today, but I know it probably won't happen. Maybe once my anxiety and depression levels are more under control, then I'll be able to go back to restricting instead of the constant binging and purging. It's really rough on my body, so I'd like to go back and forth a bit...give my throat a break.

I'm trying to keep my mind completely focused on food and weight so I don't have to think about J. I want to be happy with the way I look and be confident. Then I can just say "Fuck you" to J and move on, knowing I'm somewhat happy with myself. I know I'll never be completely happy...that's the problem with this disorder...but I can at least be happier than I am right now.

I hope you're all well.

x

7/5/2011

Lately I've been up and down emotionally and mentally. One minute, I'll be out with my sister and friends and be perfectly fine, enjoying myself....but when I'm alone, I feel like life just isn't worth this pain. I'm struggling through it all, trying to figure things out. I just don't know what to do anymore. J hasn't been talking to me at all, other than to tell me how well he's doing. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that a person I love so much is happier without me.

I'm still binging and purging. I haven't cut myself lately, which is good I suppose. My hair is falling out...my sister mentioned it when she was fixing my hair the other day. I've started taking vitamins, which will hopefully help with that. If you guys have any other good suggestions, please let me know. Physically, I'm doing okay, although I know my body is getting weaker day by day. I can just feel it. Sometimes I get bad migraines, but they don't last for more than a minute or two.

I'm going to start looking for new work soon. In the next month or so. I hope I feel better by then. I have my psychiatrist appointment on the 14th and my therapist on the 11th. I'm nervous about it...I really hope it helps.

Let me know how you're all doing.

x