Thanksgiving.

As everyone knows, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. J and I are leaving tonight when he gets home from work to go 5 hours away to be with my family for the holiday. I'm praying that this trip goes well. I don't know though, with all of my family around (and there are quite a few of us), it might be just another excuse for him to ignore me the entire time, and I would end up feeling like I should have just spent Thanksgiving alone anyway.

I feel tired and alone. I feel like giving up. I feel like he already has.

As for Thanksgiving dinner...my family goes all out. They fix tons of food. Bleh. Actually, it usually isn't that bad for me. I see alot of family that I haven't seen in forever, and I get nervous eating around them, so I usually don't. I feel like everyone is watching what I eat constantly and they always have to make comments about it, whether it be too much, or too little. But I'm looking forward to seeing them all nonetheless.

I'm weary, and emotionally hung over. I hope you all survive your Thanksgiving meal with no guilt, no matter how much you eat. And I hope you all have a wonderful holiday. Much better than mine.

xoxo

Quiet.

First of all, thank you for your comments. It really does help to know that others can relate to the way I feel.

Currently, my fiance is still here. I don't know why, but he is. Things aren't any easier between us, but at least he hasn't left yet. We decided to go out of town to spend Thanksgiving with my family. I was shocked that he agreed to go. I thought he would go visit his family and make me spend the holiday alone. I just hope he keeps his word...

I feel emotionally drained. I just feel like being quiet. Mainly because lately everything I say or do is wrong and just makes him angry. If I just stay quiet, keep my thoughts in my head and not out of my mouth, maybe things will get better. Maybe.

I feel like I'm at the point where, after so long of being completely hated and torn down and hurt so badly by someone I'm so in love with, all I can do is just stop. Just...stop. Stop everything. Stop feeling. Stop talking. Stop thinking. Just exist. Not agitate, not provoke, not analyze, not argue, not cry, not try to reason.... just exist. That's where I'm at. It's all I have right now.

The truth is, I'm so torn up over the way this relationship has gone. Too torn up. I can't deal with it. Not right now. The heartache I expressed in my last post is still very much there. I don't know what to do with it. I wish I could give some inspirational line about how hurting only makes me better, only pushes me to be better...but it doesn't. It just hurts. More than I know how to handle. So for now, I'll just be quiet, and just exist.

It's just so dark here. And lonely.

Disappear.

Everything is falling apart. My fiance isn't sure he loves me anymore, I've spent the last two days in solitude because he's decided to "shun" me. He's mad at me because of an argument we had, and now everything is shit between us. I apologized, I've tried to give him space, but it's not enough. He's so angry. He hates me. Literally.

I don't know what to do. I've been crying off and on for two days. I feel sick. I just want someone to hear me, to hold me. To tell me everything will be alright, and mean it. I have nothing left. Only pure emotion I can't contain. And there's nothing I can do, except cry, and scream, and pray.

I don't want anyone else. I never will. Even if it ends, I never will. I just want to die. I wouldn't have to feel any of this anymore. I can't sleep, I can't think. I'm just alone. Alone. For two days straight. He doesn't care anymore. I can't breathe. And he doesn't want me anymore.

Please hear me. Please. I'm begging you. Please forgive me. Please let it go. Please allow your heart to soften toward me. Please don't leave. You're all I have. You're all that matters to me. I'll never be the same without you. Please. I need you. I wish you could feel what I feel. I wish you cared enough to try. I love you.

I don't know why I bother to cry. I don't exist anymore. No one is left. They've all gone away. The only person I have is halfway out the door. I'm not worth staying for.

Please don't break me.

And so it begins...

The downward spiral of failing health. The last 3 days have been a nightmare. The pain in my heart and stomach has been nearly unbearable. My mother is an RN, and when I told her my symptoms and what was going on after the first night of being up for hours throughout the night, she confronted me about my recent streak of purging. I've been doing it...alot. Even when I restrict. I've just gotten into the habit of doing it. Or was. I stopped a couple of weeks ago and got back to just restricting. Unfortunately, it has taken its toll. My mom went through this long list of possible problems that might be causing my pain...all of them serious...all of them due to purging and restricting. She went on to tell me the probable permanent effects this will have on my health. I very well may be dealing with excruciating pain on and off for the rest of my life. It has been a nightmare, and one that isn't going away. The second day, I couldn't even get out of bed. All day. Luckily, my mom has given me some medicine to help with the pain for now. I might get roped into going to the doctor. If that happens, I'll get a lecture-and-a-half about how horrible that behavior is, and how I might ought to consider seeing someone about it (which my mother has already suggested), etc... /facepalm

I'm trying not to think about it all really. That way I don't have to worry about it. But that doesn't make it go away.

Being thin...is it really worth its weight in "gold"? This is exactly why no person with a real eating disorder would EVER try to "teach" others how to do it. Not that you could anyway. It goes far deeper than just not eating for a while.

xoxo

Moving...again.

J and I will be moving again in a couple of weeks. Joy. I have moved 20 times in my lifetime. 20 times in 22 years. I think it's safe to say, I'm just a little bit sick of moving. Ahem.

I'm starting to let go of some of my control issues. I really had to, I didn't have a choice. It was either that, or lose J. I love him more than anything, I don't want to ruin everything because I'm insecure. So I've just stopped allowing myself to indulge in destructive thinking. Suspicion, paranoia, anxiety....all of it had to stop. Not only for J's happiness, but for my sanity.

I've been doing well in restricting because we have no food in the house, and quite frankly, I like it that way. I've lost another two pounds after going up and down five pounds in the last few months. If I could just lose a few more pounds I know that I'd be happier. I know everyone says that, and yet it never happens...but I have to believe that it's true. If not, then it makes everything I've done worthless.

J drinks every night when he gets home from work. It's either because I've driven him that crazy, or he's just always done that. And he has. Since the beginning of our relationship, he's always usually had a drink or two at the end of the day. He never gets "drunk", and he usually doesn't drink on the weekends...but still, I don't know what to make of it. I guess as long as he doesn't become an alcoholic, then I should just leave it alone. When things get better and he actually wants to spend time with me again, things will change. They always do.

I hope you're all far better off than I am. I really do.

xoxo

Seething.

I absolutely hate, hate, hate lack of control. In any area of my life. It literally pisses me off. Especially when it comes to people. People who take others for granted. People who like to point out every flaw. People who, in your own perception, make it unmistakably clear how they feel about you through their actions, and though their words say differently, it is not love that they feel for you. And the lack of control I'm talking about? It takes its form in letting that person in. Loving them, despite all of the ways they unintentionally hurt you...and the ways are many. It's a depiction of what it really means to love without condition, and that is an undeniably beautiful thing. But at what point does the need for control outweigh love? It shouldn't. It just shouldn't. Yet here I am, angry with myself for loving someone. It's anger and sadness at the state of my condition. It's brokenness.

So So Sorry...

...for the lack of updates. J and I have been trying to find an apartment, arguing, making up, and what not. It's been quite a roller coaster lately. Luckily, despite the craziness of emotions, ups and downs with my eating, the stress of trying to find a new place to live, dealing with the constant nagging of family members, and a sister who is, quite frankly, a bitch, this post will be seemingly non-depressing.

The last two days have been a rather large improvement for the state of my relationship with J. We've avoided fighting, and I've worked my grumpy ass off trying to be overly positive in all situations. It's worked. We're back on track. Let's hope we can stay there.

As far as my restricting goes, it's been an on-and-off kind of month. The days where I don't restrict, I usually purge all day long. It's kind of become second nature. I realized this when I actually noticed myself continuing to watch tv while I was purging one day. I wasn't even thinking about it. It's kind of a strange feeling to realize that something has become completely normal to you that is not normal to most people. But I put it out of my head and move on. I've also become accustomed to covering up the broken blood vessels around my eyes with makeup. I usually don't get those, but then again, I usually don't purge this much.

I also find that I'm addicted to South Park. J and I watch it almost every night while we fall asleep. I love it, not only because it's funny, but it usually gets its point across very well, and I usually agree with that point in some respect. It's really a show about common sense if you think about it...which is something other shows in the same category seem to be lacking. It's no longer pointless gutter "comedy" (although it has its moments), it actually serves a purpose with its voice. That's what I like to see.

Last weekend J and I went to a haunted house. It was actually 3 in 1 attraction, and J loves that kind of stuff, so I decided to go along with it. I hated it. I've never been in a haunted house before. I've never celebrated Halloween before. My family being Christian, we didn't celebrate the holiday because of its distinctively pagan origins, which was fine with me, I still got candy anyway. I never felt like I really missed out on anything, probably because I somewhat agree with my parents' stance on it. Not that celebrating it would make someone a "bad" Christian, but if you're uncomfortable with its origins (which happen to be the exact opposite of your faith), then you shouldn't celebrate it. Anyway, I hated the haunted house, not because of what was in it, but because of the feel of it as a whole. You know you have control issues when it comes into play in a haunted house.

We went through the first one which was okay, but the second one...I started to get kind of...mad. I suddenly realized that I had not only freely subjected myself to, but had actually paid, to put myself in an environment where I had absolutely no control. People dressed in costumes had not only the right to, but were supposed to get in your face, chase after you down dark hallways, follow you around making loud noises in your ear, practically reach out and grab you...and there's nothing you can do about it. You can't run, can't smack them across the face, can't yell at them. All of the normal reactions a person might have, given the situation were real, you can't do. For someone who's never been in that kind of situation before, it's very frustrating, particularly when an "evil" clown is following you around doing high pitched clown laughs directly in your ear. It wasn't amusing, or funny, or scary. It was annoying. I just wanted out. I wanted to punch the clown in the face and laugh really really loud in his ear. I don't think he would have been pleased, and J wouldn't have been either, considering we would have been kicked out. But...I had a choice to go. He was paid to be annoying. So...what can you do? There were other issues I had with it...the glorification of human depravity as a means of amusement, for instance, but I kept that to myself. J doesn't exactly see the same things I see. Maybe I think too much.

I genuinely hope you're all doing well. I hope you get the chance to be happy every now and then.

xoxo