Moving...again.

J and I will be moving again in a couple of weeks. Joy. I have moved 20 times in my lifetime. 20 times in 22 years. I think it's safe to say, I'm just a little bit sick of moving. Ahem.

I'm starting to let go of some of my control issues. I really had to, I didn't have a choice. It was either that, or lose J. I love him more than anything, I don't want to ruin everything because I'm insecure. So I've just stopped allowing myself to indulge in destructive thinking. Suspicion, paranoia, anxiety....all of it had to stop. Not only for J's happiness, but for my sanity.

I've been doing well in restricting because we have no food in the house, and quite frankly, I like it that way. I've lost another two pounds after going up and down five pounds in the last few months. If I could just lose a few more pounds I know that I'd be happier. I know everyone says that, and yet it never happens...but I have to believe that it's true. If not, then it makes everything I've done worthless.

J drinks every night when he gets home from work. It's either because I've driven him that crazy, or he's just always done that. And he has. Since the beginning of our relationship, he's always usually had a drink or two at the end of the day. He never gets "drunk", and he usually doesn't drink on the weekends...but still, I don't know what to make of it. I guess as long as he doesn't become an alcoholic, then I should just leave it alone. When things get better and he actually wants to spend time with me again, things will change. They always do.

I hope you're all far better off than I am. I really do.

xoxo

Seething.

I absolutely hate, hate, hate lack of control. In any area of my life. It literally pisses me off. Especially when it comes to people. People who take others for granted. People who like to point out every flaw. People who, in your own perception, make it unmistakably clear how they feel about you through their actions, and though their words say differently, it is not love that they feel for you. And the lack of control I'm talking about? It takes its form in letting that person in. Loving them, despite all of the ways they unintentionally hurt you...and the ways are many. It's a depiction of what it really means to love without condition, and that is an undeniably beautiful thing. But at what point does the need for control outweigh love? It shouldn't. It just shouldn't. Yet here I am, angry with myself for loving someone. It's anger and sadness at the state of my condition. It's brokenness.

So So Sorry...

...for the lack of updates. J and I have been trying to find an apartment, arguing, making up, and what not. It's been quite a roller coaster lately. Luckily, despite the craziness of emotions, ups and downs with my eating, the stress of trying to find a new place to live, dealing with the constant nagging of family members, and a sister who is, quite frankly, a bitch, this post will be seemingly non-depressing.

The last two days have been a rather large improvement for the state of my relationship with J. We've avoided fighting, and I've worked my grumpy ass off trying to be overly positive in all situations. It's worked. We're back on track. Let's hope we can stay there.

As far as my restricting goes, it's been an on-and-off kind of month. The days where I don't restrict, I usually purge all day long. It's kind of become second nature. I realized this when I actually noticed myself continuing to watch tv while I was purging one day. I wasn't even thinking about it. It's kind of a strange feeling to realize that something has become completely normal to you that is not normal to most people. But I put it out of my head and move on. I've also become accustomed to covering up the broken blood vessels around my eyes with makeup. I usually don't get those, but then again, I usually don't purge this much.

I also find that I'm addicted to South Park. J and I watch it almost every night while we fall asleep. I love it, not only because it's funny, but it usually gets its point across very well, and I usually agree with that point in some respect. It's really a show about common sense if you think about it...which is something other shows in the same category seem to be lacking. It's no longer pointless gutter "comedy" (although it has its moments), it actually serves a purpose with its voice. That's what I like to see.

Last weekend J and I went to a haunted house. It was actually 3 in 1 attraction, and J loves that kind of stuff, so I decided to go along with it. I hated it. I've never been in a haunted house before. I've never celebrated Halloween before. My family being Christian, we didn't celebrate the holiday because of its distinctively pagan origins, which was fine with me, I still got candy anyway. I never felt like I really missed out on anything, probably because I somewhat agree with my parents' stance on it. Not that celebrating it would make someone a "bad" Christian, but if you're uncomfortable with its origins (which happen to be the exact opposite of your faith), then you shouldn't celebrate it. Anyway, I hated the haunted house, not because of what was in it, but because of the feel of it as a whole. You know you have control issues when it comes into play in a haunted house.

We went through the first one which was okay, but the second one...I started to get kind of...mad. I suddenly realized that I had not only freely subjected myself to, but had actually paid, to put myself in an environment where I had absolutely no control. People dressed in costumes had not only the right to, but were supposed to get in your face, chase after you down dark hallways, follow you around making loud noises in your ear, practically reach out and grab you...and there's nothing you can do about it. You can't run, can't smack them across the face, can't yell at them. All of the normal reactions a person might have, given the situation were real, you can't do. For someone who's never been in that kind of situation before, it's very frustrating, particularly when an "evil" clown is following you around doing high pitched clown laughs directly in your ear. It wasn't amusing, or funny, or scary. It was annoying. I just wanted out. I wanted to punch the clown in the face and laugh really really loud in his ear. I don't think he would have been pleased, and J wouldn't have been either, considering we would have been kicked out. But...I had a choice to go. He was paid to be annoying. So...what can you do? There were other issues I had with it...the glorification of human depravity as a means of amusement, for instance, but I kept that to myself. J doesn't exactly see the same things I see. Maybe I think too much.

I genuinely hope you're all doing well. I hope you get the chance to be happy every now and then.

xoxo

Hello, again.

I know it's been such a long time, my apologies for that.

Well, updates on things: J and I are looking for an apartment. We were supposed to have our own place a while ago, but that fell through. Haven't been doing much, or going out much, which actually really sucks. For some reason I'm always in the mood to go out and just be away from the house constantly. Other than that, things are pretty normal...well, from the outside. My emotions have been running crazy. And I mean literally crazy. I'm on this kick where I always have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach about J cheating on me. Yet, he lets me look through his phone, his e-mail, his FB, anything I want, and doesn't care at all, unless he thinks I'm accusing him of something. If he thinks that, then he gets upset, and rightly so, because he's not cheating on me. He's just not that guy. So why do I keep trying to catch him being that guy? I obsess over it. Literally. I'll sit for hours and think of every possible scenario of how he could be doing things behind my back, to the point of having a headache and an emotional breakdown. It's like somehow, if I obsess over it, it won't happen. Or I won't be blind to it happening. But all I'm doing is pushing him away and frustrating him. No matter how much I try to stop my thoughts, I can't. I can't just be happy and trust him. I didn't used to be like this. Why couldn't I just be that obsessed with not eating? Then I'd never eat. Ever. It's a compulsion, and I don't know how to control it. I feel desperately exhausted and worried.

I'm still restricting of course. I keep telling myself eventually I'll be happy with myself, and then I won't worry about J cheating because I'll feel confident. I just don't know when that will happen.

I hope you're all doing better than I am.

xoxo

Updates...

Coming soon. Sorry I've been gone for so long.

xoxo

"I wish you were handicapped...

...so we could get better parking." Isn't my sister lovely? She's certainly a piece of work.

I'm sorry I've been away for so long. After moving, starting a new job, and getting settled, things are finally starting to calm down. I haven't been restricting, instead I've been eating and eating, and vomiting until I dry heave. My throat is sore, my eyes are puffy, but I'm okay for the most part. I've gotten used to throwing up. I used to not be able to stand throwing up. It used to be painful and hard. Now it's become second nature. I've cut twice since I moved back home.

J is incredibly happy here, but me, not so much. I abandoned this place for hope of freedom, and yet, here I am. Everyone in my family thinks it's funny to make jokes about my need for control over my own life. That's fine. Keep laughing. Keep tearing at me.

Of course, if I were to say that to them, they would laugh and call me crazy. They don't understand the fact that the things they say affect me quite differently than what they may intend. And I'm the one who needs to change...I'm the one who needs to "lighten up" instead of them being more sensitive to the way my mind works and the issues I have. I'll just keep my mouth shut. There's nothing else I can do. I'm tired of being looked at like a freak. I am who I am. Just because my mind processes things differently doesn't mean that I'm wrong. The situation calls for sensitivity and conversation on both sides, but all I ever hear is "You're wrong. That's NOT the way things are." Bullshit. That IS the way things are if it's real to me. And if it's not, then convince me. HELP ME believe it. Otherwise, just leave me alone.

I'm not working this week, so I'm stuck at home with food all day. I eat, and throw up. Eat, throw up. I'm tired and drained, but I keep a smile on my face, I keep going. "I can get through this day," I tell myself, only to realize that tomorrow will be exactly the same.

I'm trying to be happy, I really am, but I don't know how. Keep faking it, maybe one day it will become reality.

I wish I were free.

Moving.

J and I are moving back to where my family lives.

Shoot me now.

I'll update later.

xoxo